Berlusconi mouths off, the scent of a woman is grapefruit, the world's best pilot, fondling our furry friends, and why potatoes have a bad name...

Berlusconiballs!

'Berlusconi's fat' moulded to art

BBC

Switzerland-based artist Gianni Motti claims to have bought the fat from a clinic where the leader had a liposuction operation performed.

He moulded it into a bar of soap which he named Mani Pulite (Clean Hands).

An art work purportedly made from excess fat from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has been sold for $18,000 (£9,862).



The work was put on display at the Art Basel fair in Switzerland and was sold to a private Swiss collector.

Motti gave it the title Clean Hands as a reference to an anti-corruption campaign of the 1990s. It reflects the artist's view of the current government.

"I came up with the idea of because soap is made of pig fat, and I thought how much more appropriate it would be if people washed their hands using a piece of Berlusconi," Motti told Weltwoche magazine.

Motti's work was part of the display from the Galerie Nicola von Senger of Zurich, one of 270 worldwide galleries exhibiting contemporary works.

All the works on display were for sale, with prices topping $45,000 (£24,658) as collectors hope to uncover the big names of the future. (:/)

Berlusconi rubs salt in Finnish wound at food body

Reuters

Dateline Parma, Italy - Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi repeated one of his most famous diplomatic gaffes on Tuesday by insulting the cuisine of Finland which Italy beat to host the new European Food Safety Authority.

"I've been to Finland and I had to endure the Finnish diet so I am in a position to make a comparison," Berlusconi told local dignitaries ahead of the inauguration of the EFSA in the northern Italian town of Parma.

The 68-year-old media tycoon also said he had used his masculine charm to persuade Finland's president, Tarja Halonen, to give up her country's claim to host the European Union agency.

"I had to use all my playboy tactics, even if they have not been used for some time," said Berlusconi.

At the opening ceremony later in the day, European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso would have the chance to sample Parma's famous smoked ham, Berlusconi said, and see for himself that it was better than traditional Finnish food.

"Barroso today will be able to taste our 'culatello' as opposed to smoked herrings from Finland," he said to laughter from the audience.

Italy fought hard to host the EU agency and Berlusconi reportedly told a summit of European leaders in December 2001: "Parma is synonymous with good cuisine. The Finns don't even know what prosciutto is."

The line has become one of the most memorable of Berlusconi's long list of indiscretions.

In October 2002 he told a joint press conference with Denmark's Anders Fogh Rasmussen the Dane was "the best-looking prime minister in Europe".

"He's so good looking, I'm even thinking of introducing him to my wife," he added, chuckling to himself.

During a photograph with other EU leaders in Spain in February 2002, Berlusconi raised two fingers behind the head of the then Spanish Foreign Minister Josep Pique, in the traditional Latin gesture for a cuckold. (:/)

You know, I've actually got to admire that.

'You're toast,' fans tell Michael Jackson following acquittal

AFP

Dateline: Los Angeles - A novel range of memorabilia celebrating Michael Jackson's acquittal on child sex charges is popping up on the Internet: slices of toast bearing the embattled superstar's spectral image.

Fans toasting a jury's decision to find the "King of Pop" not guilty say the grilled bread, which is going for up to 300 dollars per slice, magically popped out of their toasters at the exact moment Jackson was acquitted a week ago.

"This is a wonderful memento of this historic day that you will cherish for years to come," boasted one seller on the eBay online auction site.

"As I was watched the jury's verdict being announced on June 13, 2005, my toast popped up just as Michael was Acquitted!," said another enterprising seller trying to cash in on Jackson's vindication on all charges against him.

One slice of toast, bearing an elaborate image of the singer's face, complete with trademark hairstyle and round glasses, has fetched 300 dollars in offers.

Another slice, from the same toaster in the midwestern state of Illinois, had notched up 200 dollars in bids after the seller urged buyers to "Bid Now To Have This Holy Toast!"

A less fortunate fan toasting the King of Pop had garnered only 7.50 dollars in bids for his twin slices featuring the words "Yeah" on one and "Not Guilty!" on the other that he said popped up just before Jackson was acquitted.

"I was shocked, so I saved it and waited and then today at 4:30pm my time it came on the news and there it was Michael Jackson is found NOT Guilty!

"What a find. I could not believe that the morning of the verdict it was on my toast FIRST!," the owner of the holy slice crowed.

A seller in Texas offered a variation on the theme, saying he found Jackson's image on his breakfast pancake after the singer walked free from court at the end of a sensational 19-week trial.

But while a photograph showed the pancake bearing a blurry image of the 46-year-old singer, the seller stipulated that the vision was not for human consumption.

One of the several slices of toast on offer boasted what appeared to be a black and white image of the singer. "What type of bread was used, white or wheat," asked one potential buyer.

"White...of course, just like Michael!," the seller said of the African American superstar whose skin tone has faded dramatically over the past two decades. (:/)

Americans...

Man Wakes Up With a Bullet in His Tongue

AP

Dateline:Jacksonville, Fla. - Police say a man who woke up with a serious headache walked 12 blocks to a hospital with a swollen lip and powder burns. Doctors discovered the problem. 47-year-old Wendell Coleman had a bullet lodged in his tongue.

Coleman told police that a woman stuck a gun barrel in his mouth during a dispute around 2:30 Tuesday morning and that he heard the gun go off.

Police say Coleman then went home to sleep.

What authorities did with the bullet wasn't clear last night. (:/)

Handsome plumber calls French tourists to Poland

AFP

Dateline: Paris - In a tongue-in-cheek dig at the French fear of eastern European competition, the Polish tourist board is using the image of a handsome plumber to promote Poland as a holiday destination.



The board's website sports the image of a seductive blonde man clutching pipes and a monkey-wrench beneath the slogan, "I am staying in Poland -- come on over."

During the campaign leading to the French "no" in a May referendum on the EU constitution, the "Polish plumber" became a symbol of the cheap labour from new member states which was supposedly a threat to French jobs.

"People in Poland were really fed up with being made to take the blame," said Elzbieta Janek of the Polish tourist office in Paris.

"We decided the best response was humour. Our job is to encourage people to visit Poland, and this was a good way of defusing the tension and showing the French that they are always welcome," she said.

Sci/Tech

Japanese get a chance to chat up Cleopatra with DVD-powered mannequin

AFP

Dateline: Tokyo - Fantasies about chatting up legendary figures have come closer to reality in Japan where researchers have developed a mannequin with a built-in projector that can resemble a face of one's choice.



The life-size, made-to-order "Chatty" is a mannequin with a face that is an empty screen until turned on to play DVD images from inside the body. If one is in the mood for conversation, sound can come from a separate speaker.

"It is a device that can show a person's face, looks and mouth movements," said the developer, Ishikawa Optics and Arts Corp. of Tokyo. "It forms realistic images as if he or she were really talking to you."

Company president Jun Ishikawa said he wanted to produce historical figures such as ancient Egyptian queen Cleopatra.

The firm has yet to commercialize Chatty, which it hopes will draw a market at theme parks and showrooms.

The DVD images will be filmed inside a studio if the model is a real person. For imaginary characters -- or much older ones such as Cleopatra -- the company will use computer graphics.

Grapefruit May Make Women Seem Younger

AP

Dateline: New York - A study of smells shows that the scent of grapefruit on women make them seem about six years younger to men. However, grapefruit fragrance on men does nothing for them.

The study by the Smell and Taste Institute in Chicago was conducted by Institute director Alan Hirsch. Hirsch smeared several middle-aged woman with broccoli, banana, spearmint leaves, and lavender but none of those scents made a difference to the men.

But the scent of grapefruit changed men's perceptions. Hirsch said that when male volunteers were asked to write down how old the woman with grapefruit odor was, the age was considerably less than reality. (:/)

Criminal Stupidity

Man Falls Asleep During 18th DWI Arrest

AP

Dateline: Albuquerque, N.M. - A man arrested after a traffic stop fell asleep before an officer arrived to administer a field sobriety test. But authorities say James Lovato, 50, had been through it before — it was his 18th arrest on a charge of drunken driving.

The DWI Resource Center, which tracks drunken driving convictions back to 1984, said Lovato has been convicted at least eight times. State records show his first arrest was in 1977. In addition, a criminal complaint against him in the latest arrest said his license has been revoked seven times.

He was charged in Saturday's incident with aggravated driving while intoxicated on a fourth or subsequent offense.

A breath test found his breath-alcohol level was 0.16 percent, twice the state's presumed level of intoxication.

Lovato was driving on a revoked license when police said they clocked him at 77 mph in a 65 mph zone on Interstate 25 north of Albuquerque.

A complaint filed in metropolitan court said police had to force Lovato's car to the side of the road to get him to stop. Police then noticed an open beer bottle near the driver's seat, and said Lovato's eyes were bloodshot and his breath smelled of alcohol.

The complaint said three open containers of beer were found in the car.

Police also said Lovato fell asleep by the time a DWI officer arrived to administer the sobriety test. (:/)

Man Takes Fire Truck on Joyride

AP

Dateline: Port Huron, Mich. - He paid the toll when he crossed the Blue Water Bridge, but Martin Chalker is still in trouble with authorities on both sides of the U.S.-Canada border.

Police say Chalker, 35, broke into a fire truck parked at the Canada Customs compound in Point Edward, Ontario, on Sunday morning.

Chalker drove the truck belonging to the London, Ontario, Fire Department out of the compound, paid the toll and crossed the bridge. U.S. customs officers in Port Huron stopped Chalker and told him to park the truck at an inspection area, but he kept going onto westbound Interstate 94, St. Clair County sheriff's Sgt. Jerry Bassett said.

Deputies found Chalker and the truck in a ditch in Riley Township, 20 miles west of Port Huron, later Sunday morning, Bassett said. Chalker was arraigned Monday on a charge of possession of a stolen vehicle. A preliminary hearing was scheduled for June 28.

Chalker could face additional charges in Canada, the Times Herald of Port Huron reported Tuesday.

The only damage to the fire truck was a bent exhaust pipe, Bassett said. (:/)

Pizza Shop Robber Leaves Job Application

AP

Dateline: Las Vegas - A man accused of holding up a pizza parlor left behind a job application with his real name and address, authorities said. "I would chalk it up to either inexperience or plain stupidity," Clark County prosecutor Frank Coumou told the Las Vegas Review-Journal for a Wednesday report.

Alejandro Martinez, 23, of Las Vegas, was being held Wednesday at the Clark County jail pending a Monday appearance in Clark County District Court. He faces felony burglary and robbery with a weapon charges in the May 25 heist.

Authorities said Martinez ordered a pizza and started filling out the application before displaying a gun and demanding money. The clerk handed over $200.

Outside, a witness wrote down the license plate number of a getaway car, leading police to Martinez' home.

Martinez' lawyer, Deputy Public Defender James Ruggeroli, said authorities have the wrong man. He said said the pizza shop clerk couldn't identify Martinez as the robber, and the job application was not presented as evidence at a preliminary hearing. (:/)

Oh yeah. That's gonna work. I'd run with that, mate.

Eastern Promise

Russian army beauties wow nation at Miss Army 2005

AFP

Moscow - A Miss Army contest in which Russian female soldiers took to the catwalk cheered on by admiring male colleagues captured the nation's imagination, getting prime-time television coverage.



The show on Tuesday night at Moscow's Russian Army Theatre pitched 19 finalists against each other for the chance to be crowned Miss Army and have their image on national television as Russia's dedicated military channel.

"Since we're soldiers, our first concern is automatic weapons -- boys come second," a group of female soldiers sang during the glitzy performance, accompanied, in an adaptation of an old army song, by male officers playing guitars.

The idea of Miss Army, which began in 2003, came from a Soviet-era event called Miss Red Star.

Today is is a chance to correct society's misconceptions about army life, said senior officials, a view supported by admiring television presenters covering the event.

Rather than the images of begrimed soldiers usually seen on television, spectators saw sweetly smiling women in khaki mini-skirts, one of whom, the contest's first winner in 2003, extolled the "spiritual power" that women brought to military life.

Russia's army has a grim reputation for hazing and brutality, frequently leading to suicide deaths

"The best propaganda for the army," was how Russia's Channel 1 described the event.

"All armies have their problems. Society has a negative view of the army, the deaths. But this evening is wonderful. It is nothing but positive emotions, thanks to women," Colonel Gennady Dzyuba of Russia's defence ministry said.

"Those who have served, especially in hot spots, know the importance of women, they calm the team down. We restrain ourselves in front of them, desist from courseness," Dzyuba said.

On stage, two film screens showed the contestants passing a three-day drill near Moscow -- crawling in combat uniform, clambering into tanks and running delicately with automatic weapons clutched to their bosoms, never for a moment losing their smiles. (:/)

World News

Marijuana-Flavored Candy Blasted

AP

Dateline: Atlanta - Marijuana-flavored lollipops with names such as Purple Haze, Acapulco Gold and Rasta are showing up on the shelves of convenience stores around the country, angering anti-drug advocates.

"It's nothing but dope candy, and that's nothing we need to be training our children to do," said Georgia state Sen. Vincent Fort, who has persuaded some convenience stores to stop selling the treats.

The confections are legal, because they are made with hemp oil, a common ingredient in health food, beauty supplies and other household products. The oil imparts a marijuana's grassy taste but not the high.

Merchants call them a harmless novelty for adults and insist they advise stores to sell only to people 18 and older.

"There are more than 70 million people in the United States who smoke marijuana. We're catering to the audience of people who are in that smoking culture," said Rick Watkins, marketing director for Corona, Calif.-based Chronic Candy, which uses the slogan "Every lick is like taking a hit."

An Atlanta company called Hydro Blunts markets a similar product under the name Kronic Kandy, which is made in the Netherlands.

New York City Councilwoman Margarita Lopez introduced a resolution condemning the candies when she saw them at convenience stores near schools in her district. She plans to hold hearings this summer.

At Junkman's Daughter, an Atlanta novelty shop, the suckers are sold near the cash register from a bucket labeled with a marijuana leaf.

"We've got probably every weird kind of candy there is in here," owner Pam Majors said. "If it was anything you could get high off of, we wouldn't carry it, obviously." (:/)

Obviously!

Paintings by Chimpanzee Outsell Warhol

AP

Dateline: London - Monkey business proved to be lucrative Monday when paintings by Congo the chimpanzee sold at auction for more than $25,000.



The three abstract, tempera paintings were auctioned at Bonhams in London alongside works by impressionist master Renoir and pop art provocateur Andy Warhol.

But while Warhol's and Renoir's work didn't sell, bidders lavished attention on Congo's paintings.

An American bidder named Howard Hong, who described himself as an "enthusiast of modern and contemporary painting," purchased the lot of paintings for $26,352, including a buyer's premium.

The sale price surpassed predictions that priced the paintings between $1,000-$1,500.

"We had no idea what these things were worth," said Howard Rutkowski, director of modern and contemporary art at Bonhams. "We just put them in for our own amusement."

Congo, born in 1954, produced about 400 drawings and paintings between ages 2 and 4. He died in 1964 of tuberculosis.

His artwork provoked reactions ranging from scorn to skepticism among critics of the time, but Pablo Picasso is reported to have hung a Congo painting on his studio wall after receiving it as a gift. (:/)

Car Plows Into House, Lands on Man in Bed

AP

Dateline: Little Rock, Ark. - In one instant, Rickey May thought a bomb had gone off outside his home. In the next, he realized a car had crashed through his home's brick wall and landed on top of him in his bed.



"It was something pretty wild to wake up to," May said Monday from his hospital room at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences in Little Rock.

Police say Devlon Chandler, 34, and his wife were traveling through Pine Bluff early Sunday after a trip to a casino when Chandler fell asleep at the wheel. The car left the road, hit a telephone pole, ruptured a gas line and went airborne briefly before crashing through May's wall.

As the 1996 Ford Taurus shot across the bed, it rolled May inside his mattress "like a burrito," protecting him from the force of the accident, May said.

"The first thing I thought was I was dying," he said.

Heat from the muffler burned May's chest, and he said the car's weight on his chest was the most frightening. He said he was afraid that when the pressure was released he would die.

"I just knew I was dead. I told God `Sorry' for everything I'd done, but I asked him to help," said May.

Hospital spokeswoman Jerri Jackson said May, 42, was in fair condition Monday, but may need to have his right-hand ring finger amputated.

The Chandlers also were taken to the hospital, but their injuries were not serious and they were treated and released.

Devlon Chandler was ticketed for failing to maintain control of a motor vehicle, driving on a suspended license and not having proof of insurance, police said. (:/)

Cops On The Rocks

Police Officer Found Passed Out

KXAN36 Austin

Cedar Park Police say they caught another member of law enforcement drunk behind the wheel.

They say 40-year-old Austin Police officer Daniel Armstrong was passed out behind the wheel of his truck early Wednesday morning.

This is the second time in three weeks a member of law enforcement has been involved in an alcohol-related incident in Williamson County.

This situation was a little different.

"Our officers received a suspicious vehicle call in the Cedar Park post office parking lot," Cedar Park Police Sgt. Jeff Hayes said.

But that vehicle, a green Ford F-150 belonged to Austin Police officer Daniel Armstrong. Cedar Park Police Officer Chris Joost says he found passed out at the wheel, the engine still running.

"After making contact with him, he believed him to be intoxicated," Hayes said.

The police report shows Armstrong was unaware of his surroundings. When asked how much he had had to drink, he replied not enough. That's when Officer Joost had to take action.

"Our department policy is to handle this circumstance like any other circumstance," Hayes said.

In this circumstance, Armstrong was given a public intoxication citation -- a Class C misdemeanor that carries a maximum fine of $500.

The same penalty, Hayes says, anyone would have gotten.

"The suspect was cooperative and worked with the officers. We were able to quickly contact a family member who agreed to come pick him up," Hayes said.

But this is the second time in three weeks a member of law enforcement has been involved in an alcohol-related incident. Some people feel that's sending the wrong message especially to young people.

"Does it set a bad example? Yes it does," Rena McDonald with Mothers Against Drunk Driving said. "Law enforcement or fire department, emergency services, whatever. They should be held to a higher standard."

APD officials say, as of now, Officer Armstrong is still on duty. (:/)

Dear God!

Sport

Hewitt forgives Cash 'up the duff' gaffe

AFP

Dateline: London - Lleyton Hewitt said he was not offended by Australian compatriot Pat Cash's remarks about his pregnant girlfriend which were broadcast live on television.

Cash, the 1987 Wimbledon champion, was commentating for the BBC on Hewitt's second round match against Jan Hernych on Court One.

When the cameras turned to Hewitt's fiancee, soap opera actress Bec Cartwright who was sitting in the stands, Cash, thinking his microphone was switched off, was heard my millions of viewers saying: 'I bet she's up the duff'.

But Hewitt, who is set to marry the 21-year-old Cartwright on July 21 in Sydney, shrugged off the gaffe.

"Pat's always come out with some loose comments now and then," said Hewitt, the 2002 champion here.

"I was talking to him in the locker room and he obviously didn't mention that. We're good mates, I have a lot of respect for him. I haven't taken any offence from it."

Hewitt and Cartwright, a star in the popular Australian television series Home and Away, announced their engagement in late January after dating for just six weeks.

Last month Cartwright announced she was expecting a baby. (:/)

Didn't Cash know? Did she announce it in the bath, to an imaginary friend??

The Natural World

Amorous bull trashes Russian shop

Reuters

A stationer's shop in a Russian town is counting the cost of a passionate fling involving a bull which followed a cow after it trotted in from the street.

There may not have been much china in the shop in Pionersk but eight panes of glass got smashed in the process, Russia's Interfax news agency reports.

The shop assistant fled outside where help was summoned with a mobile phone.

Yet there was nothing for it but to wait for the "end of the act" after which the pair vacated the premises.

The owners of the shop in the port on the Baltic, in the Kaliningrad region, were counting the damage on Monday as the owners of the offending beasts were sought, local police told Interfax.

So shocked was the shop assistant that she forgot to press the shop's "panic button" in her haste to escape.

Security guards and passers-by gathered in the street but were powerless to intervene. (:/)

Farmer sees red over dyed sheep

BBC

Police are investigating an apparent case of sabotage after seven pedigree sheep were daubed in red paint.

Just days before showing his sheep at the Royal Highland Show in Ingliston, farmer Iain Barbour discovered some of the flock had been spray-painted.

The Suffolk sheep had also been released from a field at his farm near Annan, Dumfriesshire.

Mr Barbour said: "I am horrified and shocked that somebody could stoop to this level to ruin our show."

Mr Barbour and his sister Judith have been trying to remove the paint with thinners and graffiti removal paint.

"We have tried everything on them," he said. "It's just a shame that this has happened.

For someone to do this to my sheep is the lowest of the low
Iain Barbour

"Everyone in farming knows that this is the biggest show and that everybody wants to go to it.

"For someone to do this to my sheep is the lowest of the low, it really is." (:/)

Ahem, no, actually, it isn't...

Who loves ewe, baby (oh I had to)

AFP

A cobbler suspected of sorcery was attacked and nearly lynched by outraged villagers in central Kenya today after being caught having sex with a female sheep, witnesses and officials said.

Joshua Kiplagat, 36, sustained a serious head wound when the sheep's owner threw a machete at him after finding him in flagrante delicto with a prize ewe in the Rift Valley district of Bomet, they said.

He was then tied to a tree stump for five hours before being frogmarched naked with the violated ovine in tow to a police station where he confessed to several acts of bestiality that he blamed on the devil, they said.

"I was sent by the devil to do that," Kiplagat told the angry crowd which included several people who accused him of being a warlock.

One woman claimed to have seen him engaging in sex acts with a dog.

"I saw this man mounting a dog two weeks ago at around seven in the evening and I was so surprised," said the woman, who gave her name as Leah.

The bloodied shoe repairer adamantly denied allegations that he was a wizard and insisted that his affection for animals was limited to sheep.

"I only made love to the ewe twice using two condoms but I never do it regularly," he said in his defence. (:/)

That's. All. Right. Then.

Grandfather kills leopard with his hands

Reuters

Dateline: Nairobi - A 73-year-old Kenyan grandfather reached into the mouth of an attacking leopard and tore out its tongue to kill it, authorities said Wednesday.

Peasant farmer Daniel M'Mburugu was tending to his potato and bean crops in a rural area near Mount Kenya when the leopard charged out of the long grass and leapt on him.

M'Mburugu had a machete in one hand but dropped that to thrust his fist down the leopard's mouth. He gradually managed to pull out the animal's tongue, leaving it in its death-throes.

"It let out a blood-curdling snarl that made the birds stop chirping," he told the daily Standard newspaper of how the leopard came at him and knocked him over.

The leopard sank its teeth into the farmer's wrist and mauled him with its claws. "A voice, which must have come from God, whispered to me to drop the panga (machete) and thrust my hand in its wide open mouth. I obeyed," M'Mburugu said.

As the leopard was dying, a neighbor heard the screams and arrived to finish it off with a machete.

M'Mburugu was toasted as a hero in his village Kihato after the incident earlier this month. He was also given free hospital treatment by astonished local authorities.

"This guy is very lucky to be alive," Kenya Wildlife Service official Connie Maina told Reuters, confirming details of the incident. (:/)

Quote of the Week

"Paulo Coelho writes because he wants to be loved. I read because I want to be interested. At this point it's hard to say which of us is the more disappointed."

Adam Mars-Jones, The Observer

Celebrity Nation

Jack is hot to plot film's sex scenes

Rush & Malloy

Jack Nicholson (here with Sen. Ted Kennedy and Ted's son Patrick in Hyannis Port, Mass.) suggested some tweaks for the script of 'The Departed.'
Martin Scorsese doesn't let every actor rewrite his movies - but then, not every actor brings so much life experience to a role as Jack Nicholson.

Word is the two-time Oscar-winner has been tinkering with the script for Scorsese's "The Departed" - including the sex scenes.

"Jack didn't feel there was enough Jack in his character," a spy tells us.

So Nicholson, who plays a Boston Irish gangster named Costello, called for a polish to William Monahan's script.

"Jack actually did some of the writing himself," says our spy.

But we're told it wasn't a pen he used for revising a scene in which he gets busy with two women.

"Jack suggested using a [prosthetic appendage]," adds the source. "He also wanted to dust the [posterior] of one of the actresses with cocaine. Marty said, 'Go for it!'"

A Warner Bros. rep would say only, "It's not at all uncommon for dialogue to be fine-tuned during production. Everyone is extremely pleased with the way this shoot is proceeding." (:/)

Especially Jack, I'd say.

Lohan not happy...

IMDB

Lindsay Lohan was furious after viewing the premiere of her new movie, "Herbie: Fully Loaded." Lohan was upset because the song she recorded for the film ended up being used during the closing credits and not during a key scene in the movie like she had thought.

Lohan stormed out of the theater following the premiere.

"I was upset when I hear my song ("First") during the race scene, where I originally thought it would be. I was like, 'Whoaaa, ' because nobody stays to hear the song in the closing credits. So I ran out. I recorded it right before I got sick (from exhaustion) and went to the hospital. And then I shot the video for it and re-sprained my ankle. I pushed myself to get it done for the movie when I probably should have waited." (:/)

Ahhh.

Now - is this man a drinker's God? Or what? Read on...

And Finally (Pt 1)

Man Charged With Joyriding Plane Drunk

AP

Dateline: Harrison, N.Y. - An intoxicated 20-year-old stole a small plane and took two friends on a three-hour, predawn joyride early Wednesday that ended with a safe landing at a closed airport, authorities said.



A Westchester County Airport security car met the plane at 4:15 a.m., and "a significant number of beer cans" spilled to the ground when the plane doors opened, County Executive Andrew Spano said.

The plane's pilot, Philippe Patricio, of Bethel, Conn., was arrested with a blood alcohol level of 0.15 percent — nearly double the legal limit for driving in New York state, said county Police Commissioner Thomas Belfiore. His two 16-year-old passengers were not charged.

The single-engine, four-seat Cessna had taken off at about 1:30 a.m. from the Danbury (Conn.) Municipal Airport, some 25 to 30 miles from the Westchester airport.

Spano was incensed, saying that the post-Sept. 11 security measures in place at the Westchester airport were not duplicated at Danbury.

"We can only make ourselves safe here (Westchester)," Spano said. "It still leaves us vulnerable to what happened."

Paul Estefan, administrator of Danbury Municipal Airport, rejected the criticism, saying the airport is fenced in and patrolled by police officers.

Patricio was charged with criminal possession of stolen property, reckless endangerment, resisting arrest and driving while intoxicated, Belfiore said. He said the DWI charge accuses Patricio of taxiing through the airport while drunk, since there are no state laws applying to flying while intoxicated.

The plane was nearly out of gas when it landed, and it appeared that Patricio became lost during his time in the air, authorities said. It was unclear how he managed to land safely in his condition, on a small, unlighted taxiway, authorities said.

"There has been some internal talk about that accomplishment," said Belfiore. Spano said Patricio had seven hours of flight instruction but no license. (:/)

He rocks! Even the cops have to admit it.

And Finally (Pt 2)

Potato Farmers Loathe 'Couch Potato' Term

AP

Dateline: London - British potato farmers demonstrated outside Parliament on Monday to publicize their bid to remove the term "couch potato" from the Oxford English Dictionary, arguing that the description of slothful TV addicts harms the vegetable's image.



The group of about 30 farmers carried signs that read "couch potato out" and "ban the term couch potato." A similar rally took place in Oxford, central England.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines the term "couch potato" as "a person who spends leisure time passively or idly sitting around, especially watching television or video tapes."

The British Potato Council says the phrase makes the vegetable seem unhealthy. It wants the expression stripped from the dictionary and replaced in everyday speech with the term "couch slouch."

"The potato industry are fed up with the disservice that 'couch potato' does to our product when we have an inherently healthy product," said Kathryn Race, head of marketing at the British Potato Council, a body set up by the government to run advertising campaigns promoting potato consumption and research issues linked to the vegetable.

"Potatoes have been around for many, many years, but increasingly, with all the coverage that dieting & healthy eating gets in general, we need to make sure that potatoes remain a popular food," Race said.

The demonstrators in London were joined by celebrity chef Antony Worrall Thompson, who said the vegetable was one of Britain's favorite foods.

"Not only are they healthy, they are versatile, convenient and taste great too. Life without potato is like a sandwich without a filling," he said.

Race said the council, which represents some 4,000 growers and processors, had written to the Oxford English Dictionary stating its objections but had not yet had a response.

John Simpson, chief editor of the Oxford English Dictionary, said the expression first appeared in the 1993 edition.

"Inclusion is based on currency of the term rather than on the basis of what people want us to put in the dictionary," he said. "When people blame words they are actually blaming the society that uses them."

Simpson said he thinks the campaign is "a bit of consciousness raising" on the part of the British Potato Council. "I think the potato has taken a bit of a mashing after the Atkins diet," he said, referring to the low-carbohydrate food regime. (:/)

Indeed! Until next time...

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A dalek returns, an eagle has landed (badly), flirting at Wal-Mart, Australians claim genius, what plumbers really do, and how, truly to drink whisky

After comments that last week's TAR was "too sad" (life can't be a bed of roses you know!) we've gone slightly more whimsical this week. Don't miss the eagle that bit off more than it could chew, the most expensive bottle of whisky TAR's ever heard of quaffed in one sitting, Australians showing everyone how almost everything should be done, and what happens when someone's REALLY had enough of your snoring. Enjoy...

Missing Dalek found on Tor

BBC

A Dalek stolen from a Somerset tourist site has been found on Glastonbury Tor after thieves said it was "too hot".


The Dalek was stretchered off the Tor

The prop, which was at Wookey Hole Caves, near Wells, for a Doctor Who exhibition, was taken more than a week ago. A "ransom note" was then issued.

Cave owner Gerry Cottle made appeals for information. In the early hours of Tuesday, staff recieved a phone call telling them where the Dalek was.

Mr Cottle has denied that the theft of the Dalek was a publicity stunt.

Last Thursday, staff found a Dalek plunger arm and a ransom note on a doorstep.

The note read: "We are holding the Dalek captive. We demand further instructions from the Doctor."

But in Tuesday's phone call, the thieves said it had become "too hot to handle" and had been placed on Glastonbury Tor.

The Dalek had been on display at the Bath and West Show and was in temporary storage at the Wookey Hole site when it was taken.

Former Dr Who actor Colin Baker had been in touch with staff at the attraction. (:/)

Really?? Why??

87-year-old Australian man fights off intruder with shoe

AFP

Dateline: - An 87-year-old Australian man fought off an intruder with his shoe after being attacked in his home, reports said.

"I took the bloody shoe off and thumped him," semi-retired horse trainer Johnny Oswin was quoted as saying by the Australian Associated Press.

Oswin went on the offensive when the man hit him with a metal bar after breaking into his home at Mount Eliza, south of Melbourne, on Monday night.

"I probably broke his nose and broke his teeth and he fell over. He got up and I thumped him again. He ran out the door and he said 'I'll get you, I'll come back to get you'," Oswin said.

The octogenarian, who suffered cuts and bruises, said he was not worried by the threat. "I'll fix him up if he comes in, I'll use my fists on him next time, I'm pretty handy."

Police described the incident as "a vicious attack on an elderly man in his own home," but urged people not to confront intruders. (:/)

Surely "a vicious attack by an elderly man..."?

Home sale to defense contractor raises questions

San Diego Union-Tribune

Dateline : San Diego - A defense contractor bought Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham's Del Mar home in November 2003 and sold it nearly nine months later at a $700,000 loss, it was reported today.

At the time, the Republican congressman was supporting Mitchell Wade and his firm MZM Inc. in efforts to win Pentagon contracts, The San Diego Union- Tribune reported.

Cunningham used the proceeds from the sale to buy a home in Ranch Santa Fe for about $2.5 million, the newspaper reported.

About the same time, Wade's company, which had been suffering through a flat period, was awarded tens of millions of dollars in defense and intelligence-related contracts, according to the Union-Tribune.

Cunningham denied anything untoward about the dealings.

"My whole life I've lived aboveboard," he told the newspaper. "I've never even smoked a marijuana cigarette. I don't cheat."

But others congressional and political watchdog organizations said it just didn't look right.

"This doesn't look good at all," Larry Noble, director of the Center for Responsive Politics, told the Union-Tribune. "It doesn't look like something that was on the up and up."

Wade was unavailable for comment last week. Scotty Brumett of MZM Inc. said Wade bought Cunningham's home to raise the firm's profile in San Diego.

"We were looking at expanding our company presence in San Diego," he told the Union-Tribune. "We looked at the property and thought it would work for us. But after we bought it, we realized that it did not meet our security or our corporate needs."

The Del Mar home was put back on the market within a month of the purchase, but it was never included on the multiple listing service used by Realtors, the newspaper reported.

MZM has been a major contributor to Cunningham campaigns, having donated $13,000 in the 2003-04 election cycle, the Union-Tribune reported. (:/)

Curiouser and curiouser...

More than 700 turn out for social boating event in Cape Coral

News-Press, byline Joan D. LaGuardia

Barry Donegan kisses the ground after reaching the shore of the lake at Seahawk Park on Sunday as Bob Miller gets his boat out of the water. The lake was the venue for this year's cardboard boat race. Donegan paddled this year's smallest boat, The Man In Tub.


ADITHYA SAMBAMURTHY/news-press.com

More than 700 people, including 30 dressed Bedrock-style in animal prints, turned out for the fun social event despite stormy weather that forced it to be rescheduled twice.

Lightning and thunder cut Sunday's competition short at about 2 p.m., but all 10 boats that made it into a race did actually float, defying the apparent folly of building a boat from nothing but cardboard, glue, tape and paint.

Designs ranged from the silly — such as the Flintstone's-inspired "Fred's Folly" by the Paradise Pirates boat club — to sleek, kayak-style boats.

"It's more fun to build a theme boat," said Paul Moses of Cape Coral, a Paradise Pirate participating for his fifth year.

The Pirates, boat owners who meet at local waterfront restaurants for monthly luncheons, earned trophies for Best Team Effort, Best Decoration and Best Design, as well as Captain's Choice.

Little Tug Boat, built by the Rotary Club of Cape Coral, the event's main sponsor, won Best Construction.

The event was at a new venue this year: Seahawk Park in north Cape Coral, which is part of the Festival Park now under development by the city.

The new site offers more space for parking than the Cape Coral Yacht Club beach, previously used for the event.

While the sun shone Sunday, children and a dog played in the water and visitors of all ages sampled sausage and drinks, bought T-shirts and raffle tickets, and watched radio-controlled airplanes soar and loop.

City planners hope the scene is a preview of what the park can offer in the future, said Mike Jackson, Cape Coral's economic development director, and Terry Stewart, Cape Coral city manager.

Both were supposed to ride Little Tug Boat in the multi-paddler competition, but didn't make it before the rain started.

Those who did get to compete put on quite a show. Ladies of the Spirit of the Gulf Sweet Adeline Chorus sang as they carried their lavender two-seater Notes Afloat into the water, its helm decorated with a sequined collar.

"All the Sweet Adelines have a little glitter," remarked Jackie Barfield of San Carlos Park.

Rhonda Watkins proved there was prowess beneath the glitter. She piloted Notes Afloat tightly around a buoy to edge out the hippie-inspired Flower Power, which was paddled by Brad Leonard of the Fort Myers Rowing Club.

The most enthusiastic cheering came from the Twisted Conch restaurant team from Cape Coral. They launched a red, crustacean-like boat that resembled a lobster more than a conch.

"Go red, go red," they whooped in an echo chorus from one group at the launch site to their pals at the finish line.

Fred Flintstone's car — well, actually a cardboard boat made to look like it — earned the Captain's Choice award at the 12th Annual Cardboard Boat Regatta on Sunday in Cape Coral. (:/)

Victim Of Chimp Mauling Out Of Coma

AP

Dateline: West Covina, Calif. -- A California man mauled by two chimpanzees in March has been brought out of his medically induced coma.

His attorney said 62-year-old Saint James Davis has begun his slow recovery. Davis was attacked by two chimps while he and his wife were visiting their own pet chimp at a wildlife sanctuary near Bakersfield.

Davis was attacked while he and his wife LaDonna were visiting the Animal Haven Ranch outside Bakersfield to celebrate the 39 birthday of their pet monkey Moe.

While the couple was standing outside Moe's cage with a birthday cake, two other chimps escaped and attacked them. They chewed off most of Saint James Davis's face, tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals.

The owner of the animal sanctuary is asking state authorities to find Moe a new home. (:/)

OW.

Sport

Irish Champ: "Crazy Tyson Bit My Nipple!"

Badjocks.com

By now, most people know that former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson disgraced himself Saturday night in a fight against Irishman Kevin McBride.

After getting knocked around for several rounds, Tyson took a seat and didn't answer the bell for the seventh round. What most of you haven't heard is that--in addition to other dirty tricks he tried to use to win the fight--Iron Mike also allegedly bit McBride's nipple!

According to a story in the our favorite UK tabloid, The Sun, McBride told reporters, “He could not get up high enough to bite my ears — good job he wasn’t a midget otherwise he would have bitten something else! He was also trying to bite the thumb of his glove in the ring and I just couldn’t work out what he was trying to achieve by that."

The nipple biting caught the 6'6" McBride completely off guard, adding, “I didn’t realize it at first but he had his teeth around it. I just felt a strange sensation and then realized what he’d done." Fortunately for McBride, Tyson wasn't able to "Holyfield" his opponent's nipple, but it wasn't for lack of trying!

BONUS: Tyson sez, "I'm not going to disrespect the sport anymore." Uh, Mike, I think that ship sailed about 1991 ... (:/)

Dumb crims

Clumsy China cable thieves bring down seven pylons

Reuters

Dateline: Beijing - The high-wire theft of a power line in north China went spectacularly wrong when a loose cable got tangled up with a passing truck and pulled down seven pylons, state media said on Wednesday.

Theft of power lines has become rampant, the China Daily said, two days after the cut cable left 80,000 people in the dark.

Despite the shock, it didn't say if anyone had been charged.

The high-tension cable was cut in Huayin, northern Shaanxi province, and fell on to the highway below, the newspaper said.

"The fallen wire was caught on a passing tanker truck, pulling down seven steel towers," local official Zhao Zhimin was quoted as saying.

The accident brought traffic to a halt for nine hours and caused some 1.3 million yuan in direct economic losses, the newspaper said without elaborating.

Power supplies have been running short across China as strong economic expansion has fuelled the fastest power demand growth in the world.

The wire is cut for scrap value. Missing manhole covers are a hazardous fact of life on the sidewalks and roads of Beijing where they are stolen to be sold for a couple of dollars each. (:/)

Fish-Toting Eagle Crashes Into Alaska Home

AP/Ketchikan Daily News

Dateline: Ketchikan, Alaska - A bald eagle crashed through a window of a home and landed in the living room, scattering broken glass, feathers and a salmon carcass across the floor. Homeowner Jean Stack heard the crash and initially wondered if someone had thrown a dead fish through the window.

"I stopped in my tracks and thought, 'Oh my gosh," she said.

But then she heard her neighbor, Kurt Haskin, yelling. He saw the whole thing from his deck.

Haskin had been drinking coffee and watching eagles from his deck shortly before 6 a.m. Monday. He said one eagle was on his roof, and three more were in a nearby tree. Another pair occupied a tree across an alley.

"They were fighting, thrashing around; there were leaves and limbs (shaking)," Haskin said. "This was all within 50 feet of me, and I was thinking this was pretty cool."

Then one eagle swooped out of the nearby tree, up past Haskin's head, around the eagle on the roof and back behind the tree, said Haskin.

"I didn't notice it was packing a fish when it swooped over me," he said.

The eagle re-emerged and bore down on Stack's bay window, which is about 15 feet off the ground.

"It just grenaded that window," Haskin said. "The window didn't even slow it down."

But the jolt apparently shook the fish and some feathers free. A moment later, the eagle popped out the hole where the window had been.

"It was only about four or five seconds, then it must have gathered its wits and flew back out of there," Haskin said.

Stack was awake in bed when the eagle hit.

"I heard this tremendous noise," Stack said. "I thought, 'What in the world was that?' It was so loud, and I didn't know where it was."

When she reached the living room she found glass from one end of the room to the other. "There was this huge fish carcass right where my dog usually slept," she said. "It didn't have a head. It was at least two feet long — just the back bone and the tail."

There were feathers about eight feet into the room, she said.

When Haskin began calling and asking whether she was OK, Stack went outside and got the story.

"I said, 'There was an eagle in your living room,'" Haskin said. "I just couldn't believe it." (:/)

Would you really, like, need to be told?

Lottery winner turns thief after blowing cash

Reuters

Berlin - A German lottery winner who blew all his winnings decided he was better off supplementing his income as a thief than claiming welfare benefits, a court in the central town of Meiningen said on Tuesday.

The court said shortly after the man had frittered away the last of his prize worth around 760,000 euros (506,510 pounds) by autumn 2003, he turned to robbery, looting cars and houses for sums as small as one euro.

"He's confessed to about 60 offences," said a spokesman for the court. "He would break in to see how much money they had -- I guess you could say it was a kind of lottery too."

The spokesman added the 49-year-old, who stopped working after his cash bonanza in 1997, had said he was too ashamed to go to the welfare office after the money ran out.

"He didn't want it known he'd spent it all."

The court said he faces a jail sentence of several years. (:/)

Ohio Woman Trying to Sell Husband's Casket

AP

Columbus, Ohio - It won't be death that parts them, so Dixie Fisher is trying to sell the casket her soon-to-be ex-husband planned to use when he dies. Fisher placed a classified ad in the newspaper last week hoping to sell the steel casket the couple kept in their garage.

"Marriage died before husband did," read the ad in The Columbus Dispatch.

Fisher and David Budd, who are divorcing, bought the gray casket a year ago from a friend who works at a metal salvage business. Budd said he agreed Fisher should sell the casket.

"There wasn't anybody in it, and it looked like it had never been used," Fisher said.

Fisher plans to be cremated, but the couple thought the casket would come in handy for Budd.

"I told my husband that, if nothing else, it was a good investment for the future," Fisher said.

Budd said having his own casket in the garage never bothered him.

"When it's my time to go, it's my time to go," he said.

The couple also said they have a taste for the macabre: married on Halloween in 1997, they had a party the next day featuring bride-and-groom skeleton decorations.

Fisher is asking $980 for the casket.

"I'm really pressed for money, and I'm hoping I can use some of it for attorney fees," she said. (:/)

!?!

Bear Guzzles Campers' Beer, Eats Food

AP

Dateline: Dunbar, W.Va. - Larry Gaynor and his brother had to cut their latest fishing trip short after a black bear ate their food and guzzled their beer. Gaynor, 67, and his brother, Billy Bob Gaynor, 53, were camping at Summit Lake near Richwood on Friday when the bear wandered into their campsite at about 9 p.m.

Hearing a noise, they looked outside their tent and saw the bear with its mouth clamped on their cooler. Larry Gaynor said the bear dragged the cooler 30 yards into the woods and flung it against a tree, scattering a case of Coors Light.

"He only drank three cans," Larry he said. "He would've drank all of them if it would've been Budweiser." (:/)

Nicely done.

Identical Twin Brothers Could Lead Poland

AP

Dateline: Warsaw, Poland - The identical twins entered the spotlight as child actors playing a pair of rascals. Now, the Kaczynski brothers are promising to solve Poland's problems with a return to clean government and traditional morality.



Not much distinguishes this power pair, whose similarity extends from their cherubic faces and silver hair to a back-to-basics message that has helped put them in position to vie for Poland's two top jobs.

Warsaw Mayor Lech Kaczynski is leading in the polls for president. As head of a leading right-wing party, Law and Justice, Jaroslaw Kaczynski is a possible contender for prime minister.

That twins are in the running for the positions is one of the quirks of an election year that will culminate in general elections Sept. 25 and presidential balloting in October.

Polls indicate the right will win parliament and the presidency — now both in the hands of former communists. Such a handover of power would mark the sharpest change in direction since the end of the communist rule in 1989.

Should they hit the double jackpot, the Kaczynskis, Geminis who turn 56 on June 18, are promising nothing less than a radical "moral renewal," sweeping away a left-of-center government they say has been infected with corruption.

In separate interviews with The Associated Press, the brothers — who avoid appearing together in public — laid out their vision for a better, cleaner Poland.

The twins gained fame as youngsters in a movie based on a popular Polish children's book, "The Two That Stole the Moon."

In high school and the army, they would sometimes take exams for each other. "Mostly my brother would take exams for me, in tactics, armaments, regulations or knowing the terrain," Lech recalled with a smile.

The best way to tell them apart? Look for the distinctive moles that Lech has on his cheek and nose.

The brothers differ on whether they can imagine ending up a president-premier pair.

Jaroslaw said he might ask another party member to head the government to spare Poles the confusion of two top leaders with the same face.

But Lech wants no such sacrifice.

"If we win, I will strongly prevail on my brother not to yield." (:/)

There's a film in that...

Anti-BB Gun Project Deemed Too Dangerous

AP

Dateine: Amherst, Mass. - Two eighth-graders who spent months working on a science project to prove how dangerous BB guns can be were disqualified from the state middle school science fair. The reason for the dismissal: BB guns are too dangerous.

Nathan C. Woodard and Nathaniel A. Gorlin-Crenshaw spent seven months researching and testing their hypothesis that BB guns can be deadly and should not be used by children.

The students spent about $200 on ballistics gelatin, which has the same density and consistency as human flesh, to use during their tests.

Nancy G. Degon, vice president of Massachusetts State Science Fair Inc. and co-chair of the middle-school fair, said fair rules prohibit hazardous substances and devices.

"The scientific review committee does not consider science projects involving firearms to be safe for middle school students," Degon said.

The boys were invited to present their findings to some judges and receive a certificate of accomplishment, but they rejected the offer because they were not allowed to compete.

"I was really disappointed," Woodard said. "We had a good point to prove." (:/)

Er, surely that proves it?

Home news

'Naked rambler' returns -- and this time he's got company

AFP

Dateline: London - A somewhat eccentric British man who was arrested 14 times while hiking the length of Britain wearing nothing but boots, hat and a rucksack, pledged to repeat his feat -- but this time in company.



Stephen Gough, 46, whose dogged pursuit of his goal during 2003 and 2004, slowed down by two jail sentences, brought him national fame as the "naked rambler", plans to set off on Thursday from Land's End in Cornwall, England's most southwesterly point.

Accompanied -- also in the nude -- by 33-year-old girlfriend Melanie Roberts and a librarian who does not want to be named, Gough plans to walk the 874 miles to John O'Groats in the far north of Scotland.

The former Royal Marine, who was forced to complete his last walk in the depths of winter after arrests slowed his progress, said the new trip would "celebrate being human".

Gough said he hoped attitudes to public nudity, which is illegal in Britain, had softened, but that he still thought arrest possible.

"With the three of us, I don't really know. Of course when you get to a certain number the police are then much more wary of what you're going to do," he said.

"Before even setting off this time there has been a lot of publicity so people are going to know it is happening.

"It is almost like I am a bit of a celebrity -- people then treat you differently than if they don't know who you are."

Gough, who said he hopes to make the walk an annual event, will begin on Thursday by touring the official tourist centre at Land's End, where the hiking boots he wore on his last trip are now on display. (:/)

Moving bins? A load of old rubbish!

AFP

Dateline: London - A costly British art project involving moving litter bins and benches was shut down within hours after an embarrassing series of smash-ups, a report said.

The 110,000-pound (165,000-euro, 200,000-dollar) display in Cambridge, eastern England, was meant to see the robotic solar-powered bins keep roaming outside the Junction music venue in the city, The Daily Telegraph reported.

But despite being fitted with sensors designed to prevent crashes, the bins and benches lasted just three hours before being recaptured after running amok and repeatedly slamming into everything in the vicinity.

"On the launch day they were showing signs of some anti-social behaviour and kept on being intimate with the bike racks and with each other," said Gordon Glass, spokesman for the Junction.

"The artists felt there was no other option but to take them away." (:/)

Bizarre.

Hidden camera catches British plumber
making own addition to water system

AP

Dateline: London - A hidden camera set up by council officials to trap rogue plumbers caught more than anticipated, producing shock footage of a tradesman relieving himself into a house's water system.

Plumber Roy Williams thought he was alone in the attic of a house in Surrey, southeast England, having sent his apprentice to his van to fetch spare parts, Guildford Crown Court was told on Tuesday.

However, the terraced house had been set up as a sting to trap conman plumbers, with local council trade standards officers stationed in a bedroom watching Williams via a video camera.

They were astonished to watch the plumber urinate into a vase and pour the contents into the house's hot water tank, before then rinsing the vase in the cold water tank, which feeds the drinking water system.

Jury members smirked and giggled on Tuesday as they watched footage of the incident, filmed in November last year.

Prosecutors said Williams was among a series of plumbers targeted by the operation, in which a council officer posing as a householder called out tradesmen to fix a water leak caused by an easily-repairable fault.

Williams and his company deny charges relating to attempted deception and making false statements. (:/)

HA HA HA.

Quotes of the week

Prime Minister's Questions, 15 Jun

Adapted from Hansard

Mr. Iain Duncan Smith (Chingford and Woodford Green) (Con): The Prime Minister has been against Europe, and then for it. He has been for the pound, and then against it. He has been against a referendum, and then for it. And although he has been against negotiating on our rebate, I discovered at the weekend that he is for it, although to be fair to him he is both for and against it right now ... (in the background behind the roaring laughter one member, Mr. Denis MacShane (Rotherham) (Lab), exclaims: "This is good!") ... The Prime Minister has taken more positions than the "Kama Sutra"!

Mr. Ian Davidson (Glasgow, South-West) (Lab/Co-op): Bonjour! (general guffaws) What steps does the Prime Minister propose to take to measure the results that his Ministers achieve on a regular basis? Will he consider introducing a "Minister of the month" award? Will he accept from me a nomination for Douglas Alexander, the Minister for Europe, who has achieved so much in such a short time? I had not fully appreciated that putting Britain at the centre of Europe meant renegotiating the common agricultural policy, renegotiating the European budget and picking a row with France. He has my complete support!

‘Michelangelo Code’ seen in frescoes

Reuters

Dateline: Sao Paulo, Brazil - Two Brazilian doctors and amateur art lovers believe they have uncovered a secret lesson on human anatomy hidden by Renaissance artist Michelangelo in the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling.


An illustration from a book titled "The Secret Art of Michelangelo" shows the "Cumaean Sibyl" panel from the Sistine Chapel, with a detail that the authors believe is a hidden reference to the human heart. Some art historians question the interpretation.
By Carlos A. DeJuana

Completed nearly 500 years ago, the brightly colored frescoes painted on the Vatican’s famous sanctuary are considered some of the world’s greatest works of art. They depict biblical scenes such as the “Creation of Adam” in which God reaches out to touch Adam’s finger.

But Gilson Barreto and Marcelo de Oliveira believe Michelangelo also scattered his detailed knowledge of internal anatomy across 34 of the ceiling’s 38 panels. The way they see it, a tree trunk is not just a tree trunk, but also a bronchial tube. And a green bag in one scene is really a human heart.

They say the key to finding the numerous organs, bones and other human insides is to crack a “code” they believe was left behind by the Florentine artist. Essentially, it is a set of sometimes subtle, sometimes overt clues, such as the way a figure is pointing.

“Why wasn’t this ever seen before? First, because very few people have the sufficient anatomical knowledge to see these pieces like this. I do because that’s my profession,” said Barreto, who is a surgeon in the Brazilian city of Campinas. (:/)

For the rest of this barking, and fascinating story, nip along to
the full story.

Workers keep right to flirt

Reuters

Dateline: Frankfurt - A German court has upheld the right of Wal-Mart staff in Germany to flirt at work, a spokesman said Thursday, showing that Germany's restrictive labor laws also have their permissive aspects.

The court rejected parts of Wal-Mart's code of conduct relating to employees' love lives, alcohol and drug use and a requirement for staff to report code violations via a so-called ethics hotline, the spokesman said.

He could not immediately confirm the grounds on which the Wuppertal employment court had ordered the clauses to be removed for German staff, saying the judge's opinion was still in the process of being written.

The Financial Times Deutschland said the court had found the clauses, including one banning "any kind of communication that could be interpreted as sexual," contradicted German labor law, in its ruling on the case brought by Wal-Mart's works council.

Wal-Mart Germany, which is based in Wuppertal and can appeal against the decision, had no immediate comment. (:/)

Flirting. With German Wal-Mart staff.

Goodyear Blimp Down - Ridley Scott Allegedly Interested

Palm Beach Post

Dateline: Coral Springs — A Goodyear blimp came crashing down in a thundering storm Thursday, knocking out power lines and electricity in nearby neighborhoods, authorities said.

The two people aboard were briefly trapped inside while electrical crews cleared the site, authorities said. Neither the pilot nor co-pilot, the only people on board, was injured.


Courtesy Coral Springs Fire-Rescue
The Goodyear blimp is shown partially deflated airship after it crash-landed Thursday in Coral Springs.

Employees at a nearby Red Lobster heard loud noises shortly before 7 p.m. and looked outside in time to see the 192-foot blimp drop slowly from the sky.

"It went right over our building and was making really loud noises," said restaurant general manager Maryann Clark. The blimp came down tail-first, at a steep angle. "It looked like it was trying to land in our parking lot, but there are too many trees."

The gray, blue and yellow blimp circled the area before ripping through power lines and crashing atop cars, vans and storage trailers in a secluded area of a corporate park near Sample Road and Coral Ridge Drive, several miles south of Palm Beach County.

The back half of the blimp rested deflating over a strand of trees while the front pointed in the air at a 45-degree angle, said Coral Springs police spokesman Mike Moser.

The booming sound from the downed transformers could still be heard several hours after the landing. (:/)

I feel sure the word "landing" there should have been ironic. Obviously that headline wasn't the original, either...

Strange fact

From the website of the US Libertarian Party

A hundred and seven years ago, in 1898, the federal government began levying a temporary 3 percent excise tax on telephones, ostensibly to fund the Spanish-American War.

Flash forward to 2005 -- and every American with a telephone is still paying this "temporary" tax. The war was over after just a few months, but the tax has been in effect for over a century. On top of that, the tax does not go for any specific purpose. Rather, the funds are simply added to the general fund.

Congress attempted to repeal the tax in 2000. Both the House and the Senate passed legislation to eliminate the tax -- it was a 420-2 vote in the House -- but then-President Bill Clinton vetoed the bill when it reached his desk.

Once again, the House has been presented with a bill -- H.R. 1898 -- that would repeal the tax on telephone and other communications services. The bill was introduced in late April by Rep. Gary G. Miller of California, and has been cosponsored by 39 other congressmen. It currently sits in the House Committee on Ways and Means.

The outrage?

This tax should have been repealed more than a century ago, but some members of Congress still support the tax -- and some even want to expand it. Congress' Joint Committee on Taxation issued an opinion in January, saying that the tax could be expanded to apply to wireless Internet and data connections. (:/)

You've been warned.

Woman accused of attacking snoring husband

AP

Dateline: Fargo, N.D. - A woman upset about her husband's snoring is accused of stabbing him with a pen and hitting him with a dumbbell to wake him up.

DeAnn Miller-Boschert, 45, of Fargo, was charged Thursday with simple assault, a misdemeanor.

Police Sgt. Jeff Skuza said the woman first poured water on her husband early Thursday morning, but that did not wake him up.

"She then stabbed him with a pen in the arm twice," Skuza said. "After he went back to sleep after the pen thing, she woke him up again with a workout weight."

Skuza said the man called police from a convenience store at around 4 a.m. Thursday. He was not seriously hurt and did not seek medical attention, Skuza said.

Skuza said the man had "two fresh puncture marks" from the pen but showed no signs of being hit with the 3-pound dumbbell.

"He did have some scratches on his shoulders and arms that he said were from previous attacks," Skuza said.

Officers said Miller-Boschert told them she wanted her husband to sleep on his side, to prevent him from snoring. She was taken to the Cass County Jail pending a court appearance Friday.

Skuza said the man returned to his home.

"I assume he went back to sleep," Skuza said. (:/)

Now, I snore, right, but...

This is just superb. Not so much Aussie Rules as Aussies rule:

Australian food firm in a stew over Gandhi curry

Reuters

Dateline: New Delhi - Mahatma Gandhi's family is pleading with the Indian government to force an Australian takeaway firm called Handi Ghandi -- "Great Curries...No Worries" -- to stop using the vegetarian pacifist to sell its food.

According to its Web site (www.handighandi.com), the company sells a range of meat and vegetarian curries -- including beef, which is sacred to Hindus and forbidden.

"It's offensive," Tushar Gandhi, the activist's Bombay-based great-grandson and head of the Mahatma Gandhi Foundation, told Reuters. "It goes absolutely against all his beliefs. Using his image to sell beef curries and such doesn't gel.

"He was not a foodie."

Although he espoused vegetarianism, Mahatma Gandhi admitted to trying beef at least once to see what it tasted like.

Contacted by telephone in Australia, Handi Ghandi's Troy Lister told Reuters "it's not a good time to chat at the moment" and to call back on Monday.

It is not clear if the company's spelling of the name is intentional or not, but "Ghandi" is a common Western misspelling. A handi is also a popular earthen cooking pot.

Handi Ghandi's Web site also features a line-drawing of Gandhi holding what appears to be an American-style Chinese takeout box.

The copyrighted site was only partly working on Friday, but Tushar Gandhi said it also included a jingle with a male voice singing, "I am Handi Ghandi, eat my curries".

"They have tried to get somebody to sound like Ben Kingsley," he said, referring to the actor who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Gandhi in the eponymous 1982 box office hit.

Although Gandhi's name and image are protected under India's constitution and national emblems laws -- the same as the national flag -- Tushar said he had no legal recourse in Australia, where the company is legally registered.

"Sitting here in India, I can't do anything about it," he said. "But I can lobby the government of India."

Foreign companies often unintentionally cause a stir among Indians by using images of famous people or Hindu gods.

Last month, a U.S.-based Indian lawyer said he would sue a California brewery for $1 billion over a beer label showing the popular Hindu elephant god Ganesh holding a beer in his trunk. (:/)

Ahh. Nearly pissed in me strides.

And finally

Hotel guest pays £32,000 for wee dram before bed

Daily Telegraph

A hotel guest has bought a bottle of whisky for £32,000 and drunk it in one night.

The anonymous regular at the Pennyhill Park Hotel in Bagshot, Surrey, was joined by a group of friends who helped him put away the world's most expensive single malt in the oak-panelled surroundings of the establishment's Ascot bar.

The bottle, a Dalmore 62-year-old malt, was produced by the tiny Scottish distillery at Alness, Ross-shire, 20 miles north of Inverness, three years ago.

The distillery combined casks of malt from 1868, 1878, 1926 and 1939 to make the single malt, making the youngest of the ingredients 62 years old when bottled.

The bottle, drunk late one evening in Surrey last month, is believed to be the only one of 12 to have been opened. One remains at the distillery and the others were sold to private collectors.

The hotel bought the bottle little expecting it to be drunk. David Broadhead, the general manager, would not reveal the identity of the middle-aged buyer, thought to be from Berkshire, but described him as a "regular hotel guest and a private collector of fine spirits".

He added: "He's got the bottle and he's got the presentation case, so at least it's on his shelf as a memento."

Denis Barthe, who looks after the hotel's VIP guests and was offered a taste by the customer, said it was "exquisite" and added that the customer "has the philosophy that there's no point in buying these fine whiskies and never drinking them".

A bottle of the Dalmore 62 sold at auction in Glasgow for £25,877.50 in December 2002, just after it was bottled, beating the previous record of £20,000 for a single malt.

The hotel bought its bottle from dealers for around £31,000, making the across-the-bar price a world record.

It was finished in an Oloroso Matusalem Sherry butt from Gonzalez Byass, Spain, and bottled at natural cask strength of 40.5 per cent volume.

Each of the 12 bottles is named after different characters and events in the distillery's history. The one that was drunk was called the "Matheson", after Alexander Matheson, who founded the distillery on the shore of the Cromarty Firth in 1839.

The distillery's master blender, Richard Paterson, said he was pleased the bottle had been "opened, shared and enjoyed".

His tasting notes describe the whisky as refined and elegant and add: "The true beauty of this unique single malt is unsurpassed.

"It must therefore be given total respect and sufficient time to fully open and reveal its many mysteries. The palate must be prepared - the time must be right. This indeed will be a memorable occasion."

Drew Sinclair, 62, the manager of the Dalmore distillery, said yesterday: "It is absolutely fantastic. I have worked at Dalmore for 40 years, so I have looked after this whisky for more than half its life.

"You want to savour it, so it's no use getting drunk and forgetting what it tastes like." (:/)

Indeed. Until next time...

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Dirty Dalek tricks, man-eating sharks, banana guards, squirrel pate, beer-linked-to-sex shock, and why you should avoid Vancouver at all costs...

Dalek 'kidnappers' demand Doctor

BBC.co.uk/spotter Jeremy White

'Kidnappers' who stole a Dalek from a Somerset tourist attraction have sent its owners a ransom note - and the robot's amputated plunger.



The 5ft model, believed to be an original from the cult BBC Dr Who series, was taken from Wookey Hole Caves near Wells on Monday.

On Thursday, staff found the plunger arm and a ransom note on a doorstep.

The note read: "We are holding the Dalek captive. We demand further instructions from the Doctor."

The group, signing themselves Guardians of the Planet Earth, added: "For the safety of the human race we have disarmed and removed its destructive mechanism."

Reward offered

A police spokeswoman said: "The owners reported this morning thay had found what they are calling a ransom note, along with part of the Dalek.

"If it is a stunt there is an issue of wasting police time."

Wookey Hole manager Daniel Medley told BBC News: "The arm has been removed quite carefully, it hasn't been ripped off, there's no torture involved.


Dalek arm and ransom note

"So if we get the rest of the Dalek back, we should be able to put it back together like a jigsaw.

"The police think it was probably taken by kids or students, but there is also the idea that it could be heading to Edinburgh for the G8 protests."

The Dalek had been on display at the Bath and West Show and was in temporary storage at the Wookey Hole site when it was taken.

It is believed to be worth thousands of pounds, and Wookey Hole's owners have offered a £500 reward for the model's return.

Former Dr Who actor Colin Baker has been in touch with staff at the attraction, and may be asked to send a message to the kidnappers. (:/)

Fan-f*cking-tastic.

Campbell's Soup goes do-it-yourself in Japan

AFP

Dateline: Tokyo - For those who find cracking open a can of Campbell's Soup to be too easy a meal option, a Japanese company is offering a back-to-basics version: the vegetable seeds themselves.



The seeds come in a tin that looks exactly the same as the red-and-white Campbell's can except the word "soup" is replaced by "seeds". Inside is a choice of seeds to grow miniature tomatoes, miniature pumpkins or green peas.
The idea of a more labor-intensive Campbell's came to mind from an interior design magazine that showed the can immortalized by Andy Warhol being used to grow herbs in the kitchen.

"We would like customers to enjoy growing plants and making the dishes they like with vegetables, not necessarily just to make soup," said Machiko Endo, spokeswoman for the Tokyo-based World Flower Service.

The company has sold 25,000 of the cans since they went on the market in Japan at the end of April, with the tomatoes the most popular of the three seeds.

The cans -- which cost 997 yen (9.25 dollars) at shops or 1,627 yen (15 dollars) by delivery -- come with layers of soil inside and written instructions. The plants take several months to grow and eventually need to be transferred into a larger container.

Endo said there were no plans yet to launch Campbell's Seed in the classic soup's home of the United States but that the Japanese firm has been in contact with the US maker. (:/)

Man shocked trying to rescue cat from pole

Wyoming News-Record

Dateline: Gilette, Wyoming - A 40-year-old Gillette man was taken to the Western States Burn Center in Greeley, Colo., after being shocked while trying to retrieve a cat stuck on a power pole on Sunday.

Dean Griffin suffered second- and third-degree burns on his arm and chest in the accident, Sheriff Bill Pownall said.

Griffin was trying to rescue the cat just before 10:30 a.m. from a power pole on Ridgeway Road, Pownall said. The cat had apparently been stuck on the pole since Wednesday.

Griffin used a boom truck with an elevated bucket to reach the cat. But when the cat tried to hop into Griffin's hands, it simultaneously touched a live wire. A volt of electricity surged from the power wire, through the cat and to Griffin, Pownall said.

Griffin was taken to Campbell County Memorial Hospital and later transferred to Greeley. (:/)

Yes, but what happened to the bloody cat?

Prison sausage joke backfires

(Australian) Herald Sun

THE Corrections Commissioner is awaiting the outcome of an investigation into the alleged abuse of a prisoner at Port Phillip Prison before deciding whether to penalise the prison's private operator.

Two prison guards have been stood down and could face criminal charges over the incident sources describe as a practical joke gone wrong.

The incident is believed to revolve around a prisoner who was coerced into internally concealing a sausage to smuggle it out of the prison on a day leave trip, before being strip searched by guards allegedly in on the joke.

Two more guards could be stood down over the alleged incident.

It is believed two prisoners may also be charged with a criminal offence, possibly rape.

The alleged abuse victim is understood to have later learned the event was a joke on him and reported it to authorities. (:/)

Sci-Tech

Breathe Like A Fish Thanks To Alan Bodner

Technovelgy.com

Alan Izhar-Bodner, an Israeli inventor, has developed a way for divers to breathe underwater without cumbersome oxygen tanks. His apparatus makes use of the air that is dissolved in water, just like fish do.


(From Breathe like a fish!)

The system uses the "Henry Law" which states that the amount of gas that can be dissolved in a liquid is proportional to the pressure on the liquid. Raise the pressure - more gas can be dissolved in the liquid. Decrease the pressure - gas dissolved in the liquid releases the gas. This is exactly what happens when you open a can of soda; carbon dioxide gas is dissolved in the liquid and is under pressure in the can. Open the can, releasing the pressure, and the gas fizzes out.

Bodner's system apparently uses a centrifuge to lower pressure in part of a small amount of seawater taken into the system; dissolved gas is extracted. The patent abstract reads:

A self-contained open-circuit breathing apparatus for use within a body of water naturally containing dissolved air. The apparatus is adapted to provide breathable air. The apparatus comprises an inlet means for extracting a quantity of water from the body of water. It further comprises a separator for separating the dissolved air from the quantity of water, thereby obtaining the breathable air. The apparatus further comprises a first outlet means for expelling the separated water back into the body of water, and a second outlet means for removing the breathable air and supplying it for breathing. The air is supplied so as to enable it to be expelled back into the body of water after it has been breathed.

Human beings have been thinking about how to breathe underwater since they started swimming. This long-held desire plays an important part in one of the first great science fiction novels, Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. (:/)

Buddhist monks focus better than we do shocker

Biology News Net

Photo credit: Olivia Carter

In an unusual but fruitful collaboration between Tibetan Buddhist monks and neuroscientists, researchers have uncovered clues to how mental states--and their underlying neural mechanisms--can impact conscious visual experience. In their study, reported in the June 7 issue of Current Biology, the researchers found evidence that the skills developed by Tibetan Buddhist monks in their practice of a certain type of meditation can strongly influence their experience of a phenomenon, termed "perceptual rivalry," that deals with attention and consciousness.

The work is reported by Olivia Carter and Jack Pettigrew of the University of Queensland, Australia, and colleagues at the University of Queensland and the University of California, Berkeley.

Perceptual rivalry arises normally when two different images are presented to each eye, and it is manifested as a fluctuation--typically, over the course of seconds--in the "dominant" image that is consciously perceived. The neural events underlying perceptual rivalry are not well understood but are thought to involve brain mechanisms that regulate attention and conscious awareness.

Some previous work had suggested that skilled meditation can alter certain aspects of the brain's neural activity, though the significance of such changes in terms of actually understanding brain function remains unclear.

To gain insight into how visual perception is regulated within the brain, researchers in the new study chose to investigate the extent to which certain types of trained meditative practice can influence the conscious experience of visual perceptual rivalry.

With the support of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, 76 Tibetan Buddhist monks participated in the study, which was carried out at or near their mountain retreats in the Himalaya, Zanskar, and Ladakhi Ranges of India. The monks possessed meditative training ranging from 5 to 54 years; among the group were three "retreatist" meditators, each with at least 20 years of experience in isolated retreats.

The researchers tested the experience of visual rivalry by monks during the practice of two types of meditation: a "compassion"-oriented meditation, described as a contemplation of suffering within the world combined with an emanation of loving kindness, and "one-point" meditation, described as the maintained focus of attention on a single object or thought, a focus that leads to a stability and clarity of mind.

Whereas no observable change in the rate of "visual switching" during rivalry was seen in monks practicing compassion meditation, major increases in the durations of perceptual dominance were experienced by monks practicing one-point meditation. Within this group, three monks, including two of the retreatists, reported complete visual stability during the entire five-minute meditation period. Increases in duration of perceptual dominance were also seen in monks after a period of one-point meditation.

In a different test of perceptual rivalry, in this case prior to any meditation, the duration of stable perception experienced by monks averaged 4.1 seconds, compared to 2.6 seconds for meditation-naïve control subjects. Remarkably, when instructed to actively maintain the duration, one of the retreatist monks could maintain a constant visual perception during this test for 723 seconds.

The findings suggest that processes particularly associated with one-point meditation--perhaps involving intense attentional focus and the ability to stabilize the mind--contribute to the prolonged rivalry dominance experienced by the monks. The researchers conclude from their study that individuals trained in meditation can considerably alter the normal fluctuations in conscious state that are induced by perceptual rivalry and suggest that, in combination with previous work, the new findings support the idea that perceptual rivalry can be modulated by high-level, top-down neural influences. (:/)

Wooooo-ooohhh-eeee-oooohhh

Buy your own light saber!

Arc-Wave Ignited = $265.00
Price includes domestic US shipping.

Each blade is constructed with true 360° EL (electro-luminescent) lamp technology, housed inside an indestructible polycarbonite tube. Blade colors* include green, blue, purple, yellow, orange and a reddish pink (listed in order of intensity). The Arc-Wave is only available in ignited form.

Want one? Check out ParkSabers.com - way cool. (:/)

Yeah. Jay's birthday's coming up...

Brie Fly

Potty Explosion Lawsuit

CBS News

Dateline: Morgantown, W.Va. - John Jenkins wants $10 million because of an exploding john. He's suing Chisler, a general contractor, and the Eastern Associated Coal Corporation. Jenkins claims he sat down in a portable toilet, tried to light a cigarette and the whole thing blew up. The suit notes there were no warning signs against smoking or open flames. Eastern Associated Coal owns the West Virginia property where the explosion occurred. The suit charges Chisler with running over pipelines with heavy equipment before the incident, causing a methane gas leak. Jenkins claims permanent injuries from the potty blast. (:/)

Also Seen by TAR - last year, sold at Sotheby's, an authentic Vampire Slayer Set


AP Photo

This Vampire Killing Kit complete with a wooden stake and 10 silver bullets sold for $12,000 at Sotheby's sale of 19th century furniture and decorative works of art in New York. (:/)

Yeahhh... Jay's birthday's coming up soon, like I said, and...

Barman, a Shag please

Metro

A BEER CALLED Shag is proving a turn-off with politicians.

To name it Shag links it with sexual intercourse and that's not on

Advertisements for the brew feature a bottle of the beer on the back seat of a car under the slogan: 'Fancy a Shag?'

British entrepreneur Terry Ball claims his lager is named after a type of bird - but his attempts to export the Dutch-brewed tipple to Australia have run into trouble.

New South Wales minister Grant McBride, a teetotaller and father of eight, is threatening to ban it.

He said: 'To name it Shag links it with sexual intercourse and that's not on.' (:/)

Wow. LInking beer to sexual intercourse. THAT'S never happened...

Children stuck in parents' handcuffs

Metro

TWO CHILDREN DIALLED 999 after accidentally locking themselves in their parents' kinky handcuffs.

I don¿t know who was the most embarrassed

The brother and sister, aged 14 and 12, found the cuffs hidden in a bedroom cupboard while their parents were out.

They put them around their wrists, but the locks snapped shut.

The children called police saying: 'Come quick - they'll be home soon.'

But the mother and father had already returned to their home in Carmarthen, West Wales, when police arrived.

'I don't know who was the most embarrassed,' said one officer. (:/)

I do.

'Black Widow' Wins Popcorn-Eating Contest

AP

Sonya 'The Black Widow' Thomas wolfed down 10 boxes of popcorn in 12 minutes, then two more in a playoff to win an MTV-sponsored eating contest at Hollywood and Highland in Los Angeles on Wednesday.



Thomas, of Alexandria, Va., and Rich LeFevre, of Henderson, Nev., were tied after 12 boxes, but judges ruled Thomas the winner because LeFevre had spilled a few kernels.

For the win, Thomas received an MTV Movie Awards talent gift basket worth an estimated $10,000.

In August, the 105-pound Thomas downed 38 lobsters in 12 minutes to win the World Lobster Eating Contest. She won $500 and a trophy belt for her efforts, consuming 9.76 pounds of lobster meat.

Days before the lobster contest, the speed-eater consumed 8.4 pounds of beans with pork in 2 minutes and 47 seconds. She also holds records for hard-boiled eggs. (:/)

Think of the smell!

Monster shark swallows diver in Jaws-style attack

The Scotsman

Dateline: Jo'burg - A SCUBA diver was swallowed almost whole by a great white shark yesterday in a Jaws-style attack just offshore from Cape Town.

Conservationists are now expecting renewed calls for killer sharks to be hunted down following the death of medical student Henri Murray, 22 - the latest in a series of attacks. Great whites have been a protected species in South African waters since 1990, but calls for a cull have been growing following the deaths of several South African swimmers and surfers this year.

Two British surfers survived - although one needed 200 stitches to leg wounds and the other had to have 100 stitches to torn hips and buttocks. In yesterday's attack, Mr Murray's diving partner, 23-year-old Piet van Niekerk, shot the great white with his speargun in a desperate attempt to drive it away, but he did not see his friend again.

Dave Estment, a yachtsman, was sitting on the jetty at Simon's Town, near Cape Town, when he saw the great white breach the surface.

"It was incredibly fast. The two spear fishermen were not far from the beach. Suddenly a huge shark surged from under the water taking the one diver [from his legs upwards] to his arms in its jaws," he said.

"It must have been massive to have done that. Then the shark and the man just vanished." Other witnesses to the attack estimated the shark's length at 20 feet.

Hundreds of onlookers lined the coastal road yesterday as a helicopter, police diver and boat search was carried out in an unsuccessful attempt to find the body of Mr Murray, who was studying at the University of Stellenbosch.

Divers from the National Sea Rescue Institute (NSRI) recovered a weightbelt - so damaged that it looked as though it had been sliced through with a knife - a mask, a speargun, a rubber flipper and a buoy with speared fish that had been attached to a trailing line.

NSRI spokesman Craig Lambinon said he believed the shark could have been attracted by the fish. Great white shark tour operators, who lower visitors in cages among the great whites, use chopped-up fish to lure sharks to the cages.

Dr Cleeve Robertson, head of Cape Town's emergency services, said Mr Van Niekerk, a university friend of Mr Murray, was extremely traumatised by the attack.

He and members of Mr Murray's family were receiving counselling.

Dr Robertson said the spear, designed for smaller fish, was unlikely to have caused much damage to the great white. (:/)

Dear god. I'm never going in the water again.

Police Department Has Too Much Marijuana

The Denver Channel/AP

Officers Look For Place To Dispose Of Huge Haul

The Parachute, Colo., Police Department has a problem: how do get rid of 151 pounds of marijuana.

Police normally use a burn barrel outside the police department, but the stash from a recent drug bust is so big that the burn barrel can't be used.

"The whole town of Parachute would be getting silly (if it were burned in the barrel)," said Jeff Wells, a Parachute police officer

The drugs came from an arrest on May 19 in which two Florida men have been charged with possession with the intent to distribute, according to Wells.

A drug dog had sniffed out an empty duffel bag in one suspect's car after a routine stop, so authorities followed the car to a motel in Parachute, where the driver met up with another man. That's where William Morgan and Anthony Keane were arrested on charges of drug possession with intent to distribute.

The marijuana is sitting in an evidence locker in Parachute, and “there isn’t room for anything else in there,” Wells said.

He expects to see such drug busts more often in his agency because of increased vigilance along Interstate 70 by the department's six officers. (:/)

I love that they have a town called Parachute.

Arrested for 'gay horse' jibe

Metro

A STUDENT WAS was made to spend the night in a police cell for repeatedly calling an officer's horse 'gay'.

A friend I was with is homosexual and doesn't think I did anything wrong

Sam Brown, 21, had been out with friends when he drunkenly staggered past two police horses in the early hours.

He was arrested and fined £80 for 'causing harassment, harm or distress'.

The English student asked one officer if his horse was gay and, despite police warnings, continued to make comments about the animal's sexuality.

He was handcuffed, taken to a nearby police station and freed the following day.

The Oxford University finalist had been celebrating the end of his exams in the city centre.

'I don't know why I did it,' said Mr Brown, from Belfast, who claims his actions were not homophobic.

'As far as I know calling a horse "gay" is not offensive,' he added.

'I don't think I've committed a crime - I wasn't talking about a human being. A friend I was with is homosexual and doesn't think I did anything wrong.'

Mr Brown, who is appealing against the fine from last Monday, said officers had been 'very nice about it'.

'I think they realised how absurd the charge was,' he added.

A Thames Valley Police spokesman said: 'Although he thought calling a police horse gay was funny, it could cause offence to people walking past.' (:/)

Product of the Week

Banana Guard!

Q: "Is there a battery attachment?"
A: No. The Banana Guard was designed for its intended purpose only as a device to prevent banana trauma during transport. (:/)

Lord alone knows why they feel the need to put that in the FAQs... ahem...

Quote of the Week

Ozzy Osbourne

Metro

Ever thought of going in an Eighties electro direction like your daughter Kelly?
A couple of years ago Britney Spears was on the TV doing a Live In Las Vegas show - she was on a trapeze, doing all these acrobatics and f**king swinging around in the air like a monkey. I was watching her lips and she was a whole word out of synch with the music. I was asking: 'Is our television receiver pointing to f**king Mars?' (:/)

Now, as an ex-delivery rider myself, this man is a True Hero.

Man Delivers Pizza After Being Shot in Leg

AP

Dateline: Tampa, Fla. - A robbery attempt by a masked man and a gunshot wound to the leg didn't stop a pizza delivery man from making his rounds, pies in hand.

Thomas Stefanelli, 37, said dedication to his job at Hungry Howie's Pizza kept him on the job after a struggle with a robber Saturday night left him bleeding from a bullet wound in his left thigh.

Stefanelli arrived at a home only to realize it was vacant, police said. The masked man approached Stefanelli, pointed a gun and demanded money. Stefanelli said he fought with the man, and two shots were fired. One hit Stefanelli, but he did not immediately notice.

The shooter eventually fled with a second man.

"They figured they were going to make an easy mark by robbing a pizza delivery person," said police spokesman Joe Durkin.

Stefanelli finally noticed his wound. His cell phone wasn't working, so he drove to his next delivery address, dropped off the pie and called his boss to ask him to call the police.

Stefanelli went on to make three more deliveries.

"It bled a little bit, not much," he said. (:/)

Something fishy about the girl

AFP

Dateline: Sydney - An Australian woman has been arrested for allegedly trying to smuggle 51 tropical fish into Australia concealed under her skirt, customs officials said.

The 43-year-old woman arrived in Melbourne from Singapore on Friday and drew the attention of customs officers intrigued by "flipping" noises coming from under her skirt, a customs service spokeswoman said.

Customs Service spokeswoman Jaclyne Fisher said agents found the fish in 15 water-filled plastic bags held in a specially built apron concealed under her skirt.

"The fish ... could have posed potentially serious quarantine, environmental and health risks had they not been seized by customs," Fisher said. (:/)

And they could have done her a right damage into the bargain, I think. The next story scores 8/10 on the EEEUUUUWWW scale.

Apartment full of desiccated corpses

Reuters

Dateline: Moscow - Russian police have found four people from three generations of the same family dead in their apartment where they had lain for at least two years.

A spokesman for Moscow city prosecutors told local media skeletons were all that remained of the man and three women who seemed to have died at different times in the past decade.

"The oldest family member, a grandfather born in 1912, died about 10 years ago. Five years later his wife, who was born in 1914, died," the spokesman told Interfax news agency.

"The deaths of the others, a daughter born in 1942, and a grand-daughter born in 1971, also came at different times."

Itar-Tass news agency quoted neighbors as saying the dead people had been secretive members of a religious sect.

Police were called to the apartment after complaints the family had not paid utility bills for two years. They broke down the door when there was no answer to repeated calls. (:/)

Squirrel off the menu

(Australian) Courier-Mail

THREATS from animal rights activists have forced a restaurant in Britain to take squirrel off the menu.

The Daily Telegraph reported that protesters threatened to firebomb the Hadley Bowling Green Inn in Droitwich, Worcestershire, unless the eatery stopped offering squirrel pate at £7.95 ($19) a plate.

The paper said the restaurant received about 25 threatening telephone calls and a string of malicious emails.

"I don't know why squirrel meat is so controversial," restaurant spokesman Barney Reynolds said.

"In the past we've sold meat from fluffy little lambs and it's not been a problem." (:/)

Which is annoying, because I read the story about their doing it in the first place and really fancied a dose. Shame.

And finally(s)

Going commando? Chavtastic, says dictionary

Reuters

Dateline: London - Whether it's "back, sack and crack", "heteroflexible", or "going commando," the dictionary is catching up.

The latest edition of the Collins English Dictionary published on Thursday contains hundreds of new words that its editors say give a snapshot of how society is changing.

"Back, sack and crack" -- a beauty parlour waxing procedure made famous by English soccer captain David Beckham -- is officially defined as "(cosmetic depilation of) the back, scrotum and the area between the buttocks".

"Heteroflexible" is someone who is usually -- but not always -- heterosexual.

"Supersize", the fast food menu word for big portions, can now be both an adjective and a verb, as in "supersize me".

And to "go commando" means "to wear no underpants".

The dictionary is filled with new terms referring to what Editor-In-Chief Jeremy Butterfield called urban tribes, like "chav" and "chavette", both derogatory British slang for "a young working class person who dresses in casual sports clothes".

The related adjective is "chavtastic".

There are plenty of examples of language driven by technology. "Instant messaging" and "picture messaging" get definitions for the first time. So do "Wi-fi" and the Internet bank fraud of "phishing".

The dictionary occasionally offers helpful advice. The definition of "drink dialling" -- making a phone call while drunk, especially to someone about whom one has romantic notions -- notes that the practice is "inadvisable".

(:/) ... and from AFP ... (:/)

More self-explanatory are some words and phrases taken from the media and consumer worlds, such as "property porn", used to describe escapist television programmes showing desirable houses being sold or redeveloped.

Meanwhile, a "brand Nazi" insists on buying one particular marque of clothing or other commodity, while a "retrosexual" -- a direct rebuff to the well-scrubbed "metrosexual" -- is a man who spends little time and money on his personal appearance.

The linguistically rich world of football has also contributed some newcomers, including the self-explanatory if tongue-twisting "bouncebackability", attributed to Iain Dowie, manager of English football side Crystal Palace.

A phrase popularised by Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson is also included, the richly evocative "squeaky-bum time", something the dictionary describes as "the tense final stages of a league competition, esp. from the point of view of the leaders". (:/)

Last but not least, a(nother) good reason to keep Canada off the menu:

Vancouver tries to clean up problem of people defecating in street

Canadian Press, Amy Carmichael

Dateline: Vancouver - The ripe stench of human excrement is getting stronger in downtown lanes, curling the stomachs of workers who no longer want to relax by the back door for smoke breaks.

"We're getting to the point where the need for public toilets is getting serious," said Charles Gauthier, executive director of the Downtown Vancouver Business Improvement Association.

"There's a burgeoning entertainment district, a growing homelessness problem and people have nowhere to go.

"I've been with the association for 15 years and it's just becoming more and more of an issue for more of our members. The stench of urine and feces in back lanes in the central business district and the Downtown Eastside, where it's probably a lot worse."

The 10-block city slum is swollen with up to 5,000 injection drug users who have less control of their bowels. Many are homeless and have nowhere to go to the toilet.

Often the drug users roam out of the neighbourhood into alleys linking downtown businesses.

Gauthier said his members don't want to clean up the piles excrement the homeless make on their properties and he doesn't blame them.

The Vancouver Coastal Health Authority has gotten involved and is calling for action before disease spreads.

"Defecating and urinating in the street is not something that's healthy for individuals," said Richard Taki, public health protection officer for the authority.

"A number of diseases are passed through the fecal-oral route. If people are tracking this bacteria into eating establishments and public facilities we're running the risk of a problem with rodents and insects carrying bacteria.

"Salmonella is the obvious threat and for a lot of the homeless people who are imunocompromised, food poisoning is going to be serious."

He said a solution, likely portable public toilets, is imminent.

"It's going to be sooner rather than later, it's something we're going ahead with."

City planners met with the business association Wednesday to tell them a range of options will have to be discussed.

"There's a considerable cost involved. In the Downtown Eastside we're going to need a supervised bank of toilets and that's going to cost in excess of $5,000 a month," said Bob Ross, a city engineer working on the issue.

Open urinals are also in the mix of strategies being considered.

"I'm not sure our culture is ready for that. It seems to me it's an undignified and humiliating way of dealing with the problem, but one that also seems to be working in parts of England and Amsterdam," Ross said. (:/)

So, that's what the Canadians really think of us. Until next time...

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