Car crashes, escaped buffalo, the case of the stolen sex doll, the Pond of Death, Jesus-scented candles, and how a joke can turn really sour

Artist to live in nest

Ananova

A Chinese performance artist is to live in a 10-metre high steel nest for a month in Beijing.

Ye Fu, who is also a poet, will cut himself off from the outside world for the month, reports the Beijing Times.

He won't talk or communicate to anybody - except for sending text messages to say he's alright.



Every day, people will bring him two vegetarian meals, as much water as he needs to drink, and collect his waste.

His 'nest' is a steel ball decorated with tree branches and supported by three steel poles.

Ye Fu, who has already published more than 40 poetry books, will have only basic necessities with him, such as blanket, flashlight and cup.

During the month, he plans to write a new collection of poems, Nest Diary, to record his thoughts.

Organised by the China Arts Research Institute, the stunt is intended to make people think about the loneliness of an individual in modern society. (:/)

Makes David Blane look like the pussy he is.

Colorado Woman Wins at Whistlers' Convention

AP

Dateline: Louisburg - The Seven Dwarfs did it at work. Some people do it in the shower. But it takes a special kind of person to whistle competitively.

At the 32nd annual International Whistlers' Convention, the best of the best gathered Saturday to whistle their hearts out.

Sandra Henzler of Fort Collins, Colo., took first place among women for songs that included "Poor Wandering One" and "Queen of the Night Revenge Aria." Geert Chatrou of Mierlo, The Netherlands, took first place among men for songs that included "Fete de la Belle" and "Concerto in C Major."

Todd Dickerson of Hickory, N.C., whistled "Air des Bijoux" to win teenage champion honors. The children's grand champion was Emily Edwards of Louisburg for her rendition of "Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Two people won Entertainer of the Year awards: Steve Herbst of New York City, who has won the award for the past two years, and Phyllis Heil of Hickory.

The Hall of Fame Award, the convention's highest honor, went to Barry Rector of Coquitlam, British Columbia.

The whistler who traveled the farthest to compete was Tang Cheng-Dong from Dalian, China.

People from 33 states and 12 foreign countries attended the convention, which is sponsored by the Franklin County Arts Council. (:/)

I loved that - it's like the world of Garrison Keillor really does exist...

Now, just to prove that the Germans don't have a monopoly on mad crime:

Britons arrested over plans to jet-ski drugs across Channel

AFP

Dateline: Lille, France - Three Britons face charges of drug trafficking after preparing to cross the English Channel on a jet-ski with 46 kilogrammes (100 pounds) of cannabis, police said.

Three men, aged from 30 to 47, were arrested Sunday at a camping ground near Sangatte on France's north coast where they were waiting for good weather before attempting the crossing on a "high powered" jet-ski, police said.

The men were allegedly carrying three large sacks containing 46 kilogrammes of cannabis when they were arrested.

"It's fairly unusual that drug traffickers risk a channel crossing on a jet-ski. It's dangerous, especially at this time of year," a policemen said.

Two other men, suspected of waiting to pick up the drugs, were arrested by police at Dover on the British side of the Channel.

A total of 15,000 pounds (29,000 dollars, 23,000 euros) was seized after police searched the British home of the suspected head of the drug trafficking network. (:/)

Dunno if I was reading that right, but they were all going on the one jetski??

Next, like I've said before, TAR gets to cover stories from beginning to end, which I like. Here is the full (disgusting, frankly) story of The Exploding Amphibians...

Exploding toads baffle German experts

AFP

Dateline: Berlin - Hundreds of toads have met a bizarre and sinister end in Germany in recent days, it was reported: they exploded.

According to reports from animal welfare workers and veterinarians as many as a thousand of the amphibians have perished after their bodies swelled to bursting point and their entrails were propelled for up to a metre (three feet).

It is like "a science fiction film", according to Werner Smolnik of a nature protection society in the northern city of Hamburg, where the phenomenon of the exploding toad has been observed.

"You see the animals crawling on the ground, swelling and then exploding."

He said the bodies of the toads expanded to three and a half times their normal size.

"I have never seen such a thing," said veterinarian Otto Horst. So bad has the death toll been that the lake in the Altona district of Hamburg has been dubbed "the pond of death."

Access to it has been sealed off and every night a biologist visits it between 2:00 and 3:00 am, which appears to be peak time for batrachians to go bang.

Explanations include an unknown virus, a fungus that has infected the water, or crows, which in an echo of the Alfred Hitchcock movie "The Birds", attack the toads, literally scaring them to death.

[two days later:]

Now a veterinary surgeon, Frank Mutschmann, who has examined the remains of the toads, said they had been pierced with a single peck by crows trying to eat their livers. This in turn caused the toads to explode.

"The toads swell up as a form of self-defence. But when their livers are taken away and their stomachs are punctured, their blood vessels explode, their lungs collapse and the other organs come out," Mutschmann said.

"Crows are intelligent animals. They learn very quickly how to eat the toads' livers," he said, adding that between three and five crows could kill around 100 toads.

So many toads have died in a lake in the Altona district of Hamburg that it has been dubbed "the pond of death." (:/)

Ick.

Man Pleads Guilty in French Fries Rage

AP

Dateline: DuBois, Pa. - A Burger King customer who berated the employees when a drive-thru clerk told him the restaurant was out of french fries has been convicted of multiple charges and sentenced to 45 days in jail.

Authorities said Gregg Luttman made an obscene gesture at the clerk, cursed staffers and nearly hit an employee with his truck. When police tried to arrest him, Luttman allegedly scuffled with an officer and kicked out the back window of a cruiser.

Luttman pleaded guilty to assault, resisting arrest, institutional vandalism and other charges stemming from the confrontation on New Year's Day.

Besides jail time, Luttman last week was fined $150 and ordered to serve two years' probation. (:/)

I said f**king supersize me m*therf*cker!!!!

Declaring cars as scrap? Dhaka customs makes it true

Reuters

Dateline: Dhaka - Bangladeshi customs officials found luxury cars, large-screen television sets and refrigerators in a container declared to be carrying metal scrap -- so they made it just that at a public ceremony on Monday.

Hundreds of people watched as officials from the National Board of Revenue (NBR) used bulldozers to crush a Mercedes Benz and a Toyota car and other luxury goods at a railway container terminal in Dhaka.

NBR chairman Khairuzzaman Chowdhury said a trading firm had sought to evade customs duties by falsely declaring that the container carried iron scrap.

"They wanted to befool us by saying they brought in scrapped metals...so we are giving them the same. They, or anyone like them, will not forget this," he told reporters at the site.

Cash-strapped Bangladesh is trying hard to increase domestic revenue ahead of announcing the budget for the 2005-06 fiscal year, beginning next July.

Officials say tax revenues were 9 percent short of target in the first nine month of the current 2004-05 fiscal year, partly owing to lower-than-expected import taxes. (:/)

"They wanted to befool us..." I looked it up. I didn't find it either.

Whiff of messiah, anyone?

Jesus scented candles

Ananova

An American couple have created a scented candle based on biblical accounts of what Jesus smells like.

Bob and Karen Tosterud, from South Dakota, were inspired by a verse that says when Jesus returns to Earth his robes will perfumed with myrrh, aloe and cassia.

Karen sourced the fragrances on the internet and had a family friend manufacture the 'His Essence' candle, reports WCCO TV.

"I thought: "I wonder what that would smell like". It would have to be wonderful because of who they are representing. If you're not religious at all, it's just a subtle scent. I think it can be shared by all," she said.

The candles have proved to be a huge success with Christians and the His Essence range is being sold by Interior Plus, an American version of IKEA.

Interior Plus owner, Kim Foels, said she is a fan of the candles: "When I burn it in my home, it just gives me a feeling of when I was a little girl growing up."

The candles costs £9.50 and burn for 80 hours. (:/)

Restaurant fined for throwing out kissing lesbians

Reuters

Dateline: Stockholm - A Swedish lesbian couple who were thrown out of a Stockholm restaurant in 2003 for kissing won an appeal on Monday against an earlier court ruling that cleared the restaurant owner of sexual discrimination.

The Court of Appeals in Stockholm ordered restaurant owner Aziz Cakir to pay 50,000 crowns (3,700 pounds) in damages and to cover the legal costs of Sweden's ombudsman against sexual discrimination, HomO, which filed the appeal.

Cakir asked Anna Fernstrom and Susanne Gustafsson to leave his restaurant after they kissed and later told police he did not let anyone engage in such behaviour on his premises regardless of their sexual orientation.

Stockholm District Court cleared him of discrimination, a charge that can result in a year in jail, in the country's first test of legislation against sexual discrimination in the provision of goods and services.

But HomO director Hans Ytterberg said the appeals court found the restaurant failed to prove "these two girls behaved in a way that would justify telling them to stop or telling them to leave the premises".

"The Court of Appeals has made it clear that discriminating on grounds of sexual orientation is a serious violation of people's rights and can cost you dearly," he told Reuters. "This will hopefully function as an effective deterrent." (:/)

It's odd because it's Stockholm. Ok?

Man woke to find knife in his face

Ananova

A Russian man who woke up with a splitting headache after a heavy drinking session found a kitchen knife stuck in his face.

Artur Dzhavanyan had invited a pal round for a drink but went to bed early after telling his friend he was fed up with hearing him moan.

He woke up in the night with a splitting headache and went to the bathroom to get a glass of water, when he noticed the knife sticking out of his face, just below his eye.

In a panic he ran to a neighbour's house and called an ambulance. His friend had already left the flat.

He was taken to a hospital near his home in the Voronezh region in Central Russia where the knife was removed in a 40 minute operation.

Surgeon Viktor Tolstenko said Dzhavanyan was lucky: "If the knife had hit his eye and his facial nerves, the consequences would have been tragic. Artur got off lightly with a small scar on his face."

The knife was embedded 10cm under the eye and had pierced the cheek bone.

Police say they found his pal's fingerprints on the knife, but Dzhavanyan refused to press charges, saying he was just happy to be alive. (:/)

You all know I love those. But not as much as love hearing ever more about:

Woman arrested in Wendy's chilli finger case

Reuters/by Michael Kahn

Dateline: San Jose - A woman who said she found a severed finger in a bowl of Wendy's chilli has been arrested, capping an investigation into a horrifying claim that made headlines and hurt sales at the No. 3 U.S. burger chain.



Anna Ayala, 39, was arrested on Thursday night at her home in Las Vegas and was being held at the Clark County Detention Centre there, police said.

Ayala said she bit down on the finger after spooning up a mouthful of chilli at a Wendy's restaurant in San Jose, California, on March 22. The charge drew intense publicity and tarnished the image of the Dublin, Ohio-based burger chain.

An analysis of the finger tissue by both local health agencies and outside experts disproved some statements made by Ayala about the chilli incident, police said in a statement.

She was charged with attempted grand theft over the finger but the origin of the finger was still unknown, said San Jose police department spokesman Nick Muyo.

The investigation prompted a second, unrelated, criminal charge against Ayala, who authorities said received $11,000 (5,700 pounds) for the sale of a mobile home in San Jose she did not own. Ayala is charged with grand theft in that case.

The arrest was welcomed by Wendy's International, which has said sales at its fast-food restaurants fell significantly in the San Jose area after the incident.

"We're thrilled that an arrest has been made," Tom Mueller, president of the company's North American business, said in a statement.

In the weeks since the incident, Wendy's has insisted that its own investigation found no evidence of any finger or hand accidents among its workers or suppliers. The chain initially offered a $50,000 reward for information about the origin of the finger but doubled the amount last week to $100,000.

Wendy's officials could not immediately be reached on Friday to say if anyone would receive the reward.

Images of the finger tip, released by the Santa Clara County Department of Environmental Health, showed it in two pieces. Health officials said it was probably a woman's finger because it had part of a long, manicured nail.

Suspicion surrounding Ayala arose earlier this month after San Jose police served a search warrant related to the case in a private home in Las Vegas, where she lives. Media reports said Ayala's home was searched.

Publicity surrounding Ayala's history of suing large corporations has also raised questions about her. According to media reports, she has pursued legal claims against restaurant chain El Pollo Loco, General Motors and Goodyear Tire. (:/)

Boo! Shame! I wanted it to be real!

Saucy biscuit tin goes on sale

PA

A saucy Edwardian-style biscuit tin decorated with disguised sex scenes by its disgruntled designer, is expected fetch upwards of £150 when it appears at auction.


(Picture: Bonhams)

On first glance the Huntley and Palmer biscuit tin appears to be celebrating an idyllic lunchtime scene. But on closer inspection the illusion of tranquillity is shattered by drawings in the background of a naked couples locked in an amorous embraces.

The crude designs were added by a designer furious that he had been fired by the company. (:/)

On Bonhams' website, Patrick Toynbee of Bonhams is quoted as saying:

"There is a well known story passed on amongst collectors that when one of their employees received notice of being fired, he decided to decorate some of the tins in a manner which would make his displeasure with his employers very clear, not just to them but also to their customers.

“If you look very closely you will notice a pair of naked lovers cavorting in a flower bed on the far left while two dogs are romping in the flower bed to the right of the tin. There are also reports of an obscene jam jar label as well but none of these are clearly visible.

Obviously, the company wasn't even aware of them and the first they heard of it was when a grocer apparently took an extremely good look at the picture and alerted them. Since then the tins have become widely known as the ‘Disgruntled Employee Biscuit Tin’, a very apt name for them indeed.” (:/)

Fat's in the fire after tubby Australian bus drivers are sacked

AFP

Dateline: Sydney - A group of Australian bus drivers who say they were sacked for being too fat are to appeal to an arbitration panel, a report said.

Seventeen drivers were refused a chance to renew work contracts when a new bus company took over in the southern city of Adelaide, the Australian Associated Press quoted Transport Workers Union official Alex Gallacher as saying.

The new employers deem it an occupational health and safety issue, Gallacher said.

"They say the seat (limit) is 130 kilograms (286 pounds) -- why don't they just get a bigger seat? You can make seats for 150kg."

The union believes the tubby drivers were not re-employed because the company considers them a greater insurance risk.

"The reality is, if you get 600 bus drivers together, see if you can find a skinny one," Gallacher said. "It's the sort of job that lends itself to people being a bit overweight."

Gallacher said some of the 17 had already complained to the Equal Opportunities Commission and the rest would follow suit. (:/)

Woman finishes anthem on morning news show

AP

Dateline: New York — By the dawn's early light, Caroline Marcil finally finished on national TV what she started at a hockey game a flawless rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner."

The Montreal singer was to perform the national anthems of two countries before the United States' 5-4 exhibition victory over Canada on Friday in Quebec City.

Despite two tries, she forgot the words to the U.S. anthem and then left to get the lyrics. When she returned to the rink, she slipped on the carpet covering the ice and plopped on her back before a Quebec Coliseum crowd of 7,166.

After lying motionless for a few seconds, the 24-year-old Canadian left on her own and the game began without either anthem sung.

Marcil regrouped over the weekend, when she was invited to appear on ABC's "Good Morning America," where she sang the entire U.S. anthem without a hitch. Marcil said the pressure before the game got to her.

"It was a lot of things together, the emotion, the stress," she said, adding that the crowd's booing made things worse.

"That made me completely blank," she said.

On Monday, she was on the ABC show again, and explained why she needed to return to the ice.

"I wanted to do it," she said in accented English. "And to show I was able to do it. I go get my words and I'm going to do this song. (:/)

Ah, I've felt like that soo many times.

Unhappy customer robs hairstylist

AP

Dateline: Richland, Washington - A woman apparently dissatisfied with a haircut robbed a hair salon at gunpoint, shot at her stylist's car, then used part of the money to pay for a trim at another shop, police said.

Julie Anderson, 48, was booked for investigation of first-degree robbery and second-degree malicious mischief. Employees told police the woman showed up Wednesday at Stage 1, a salon she had patronized for years, and asked to speak with her regular stylist, who was not in, police Capt. Mike Cobb said.

The woman waited in the parking lot and pulled a gun on the stylist when she arrived. She then walked back into the salon and demanded $100.

Employees gave her the money, then locked the door after she left and called police.

The woman got into her car and started to drive away but stopped, got out and fired at least one round into the back window of the stylist's car, Cobb said. She then threw the gun through the shattered glass and fled, he said.

She was arrested about 45 minutes later as she left another hair salon nearby.

The woman paid with a $20 bill, apparently from Stage 1, and then walked out to her car, where she was arrested, Cobb said. The woman told stylists she had received a bad hair cut some time ago.

"She said she was a dissatisfied customer," Cobb said. (:/)

Damn! I'm like f*cking right behind her man. Cos she's got a gun, like...

Schwarzenegger wants to axe moon

Ananova

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he wants to get rid of the moon to prevent women getting PMT.

The Californian governor was accused of sexism after making the comment to shock jock Howard Stern.

He said: "If we get rid of the moon, women, whose menstrual cycles are governed by the moon, will not get PMT. They will stop bitching and whining."

The Republican politician is currently embroiled in a scandal over comments he made about closing the Californian border to immigrants.

However, the Austrian born actor and native German speaker insisted it was language mix-up.

"I'm sorry if I offended anyone but it was a language problem because I meant securing our borders rather than closing them.

"I still have to go back to school and study a little bit," he said. (:/)

No, Arnold, a lot. Study, a lot.

Tiberius Crowned King of Wrinkles, Drool

AP

Dateline: Des Moines - He's a mutt with a mug only a mother could love. No matter. Tiberius, a 2 1/2-year-old English bulldog, was crowned "Most Beautiful Bulldog" on Monday and will reign as the canine king at this year's Drake Relays, Iowa's premier sporting event.


(AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

Tiberius bested about 50 other eye-catching examples of the breed from throughout the Midwest in capturing the annual contest.

"What they look for is the ugliest bulldog you can find ... droopy eyes, protruding teeth, slobbering," said Dolph Pulliam, director of Drake's community outreach and development. "He rides in a golf cart around the track as the announcer announces him as the 2005 most beautiful. ... It is a coveted thing."

Tiberius is owned by Karen and Phil Swift and their three children. The family lives in suburban Des Moines.

"He's very gentle. He loves to be played with and petted," Karen Swift said. "He's a typical bulldog."

Tiberius, tagged with the middle name of Star Trek's Capt. James T. Kirk, has entered the contest twice before and lost.

What made the difference this time?

"Just maturity, I guess," Swift said. (:/)

Man Says He Found Skin on Sandwich

AP

Dateline: Dayton, Ohio - A man is suing a fast-food restaurant operator for more than $50,000, claiming he found a slice of skin on his chicken sandwich.

David Scheiding filed the lawsuit in Montgomery County Common Pleas Court on April 1 after rejecting a settlement offer from GZK Inc., his lawyer said. GZK owns the Arby's restaurant in Tipp City where he bought the sandwich.

Scheiding said he realized something wasn't right when he bit into the sandwich on June 18 and found a piece of flesh about three-fourths of an inch long.

"It looked like I was seeing fingerprints on it," he said. "I got sick and went to the bathroom."

Miami County health investigators talked to the restaurant manager, who had a bandage on his right thumb and wore a latex glove, according to a health district report. The manager said he sliced skin from the thumb while shredding lettuce, and sanitized the area but didn't throw away the bin of lettuce, the report said. Scheiding's sandwich contained lettuce.

"Why wasn't the food searched, and why wasn't it thrown away?" said Scheiding's lawyer, Hank Hyde.

Christine Koeller, vice president of marketing and communications with GZK, said what happened was unintentional.

"(The manager) did destroy product that was in and around the slicer immediately, and did everything that he thought was appropriate to do," Koeller said. (:/)

I'm squirming, and I've read that several times. Ugh. Now for how massively expensive scitech still can't quite hit the mark...

DART Hits Target, Misses Goal

Wired

An experimental spacecraft designed to show off new autopilot technologies ran into the satellite it was supposed to rendezvous with, NASA confirmed Monday.

The space agency's Demonstration for Autonomous Rendezvous Technology, or DART, spacecraft was to have performed a series of test maneuvers within five meters of a retired military satellite on April 15. Insteiad, DART's primary fuel supply ran out prematurely, baffling mission controllers and prompting the spacecraft's onboard computer to end the mission early.



Tracking data later showed that the MUBLCOM military satellite had been boosted into a slightly higher orbit -- almost undoubtedly due to a collision with DART, NASA concluded. MUBLCOM stands for "Multiple Path Beyond Line of Sight Communications."

Neither spacecraft appears to be damaged by the accident, said Kim Newton, a spokeswoman for NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, Alabama.
"They're still communicating with MUBLCOM -- it's fully functional -- and DART is in its planned retirement phase," said Newton.

The retirement phase will keep DART in low-Earth orbit for at least 10 years. Eventually, gravity will pull the spacecraft into the atmosphere, where it will burn up.

Newton said it's unclear whether DART bumped into MUBLCOM before or after its fuel ran out, but that both problems were likely due to a glitch in DART's guidance system. The system had made extra corrections to DART's trajectory earlier in the day, which could have depleted the fuel.

On Friday, NASA assigned a panel of seven investigators to research the glitch and determine the cause of the accident.

The space agency had hoped to use DART to show off technologies that would allow spacecraft to rendezvous and eventually dock with each other without human intervention.

If perfected, the technologies could one day lead to space stations that assemble themselves rather than requiring expensive and dangerous human missions to guide the process.
They could also prevent disasters, like the 1997 docking accident in which a Russian cosmonaut steered a Progress cargo ship into the Mir space station, knocking a hole in the station and jeopardizing the lives of the three crew members onboard. (:/)

Man allegedly kills co-worker over joke told 7 years ago

AP

Dateline: Philadelphia - A man shot a former co-worker to death on Easter because he was offended by a joke told seven years ago, authorities said Monday.

Stanford Douglas Jr., 29, was arrested on murder charges Sunday after a two-hour standoff with police. He allegedly shot William Berkeyheiser, 62, three times in the chest and shoulder on March 27 at Berkeyheiser's suburban home.

Prosecutor Diane Gibbons said that Douglas told police he had been thinking about killing Berkeyheiser since 1998, when the two men worked at a Philadelphia nursing home and Berkeyheiser told a joke that offended Douglas.

The prosecutor would not say what the joke was.

Douglas hired a private investigator to find Berkeyheiser's house, Gibbons said. It was not immediately clear if Douglas had an attorney. (:/)

Wonderful.

Product of the week

PainStation2

Years ago, back in the day, in our salads as Cleo might have put it, Young Mark Watson (for it is he) and I waffled drunkenly on for a few weeks about what a superb idea it would be to make a computer game system that inflicted pain on the players whenever they got shot/beaten/pulped/crashed/etc. Mark, being Mark, took the idea to the enth degree, but never actually got around to making it or patenting it.

For years, the idea lay in the back of our heads, untouched, gathering that cerebral dust that all Great Drunken Ideas gather. Then, this week, I came across the PainStation. And I realised that we had been gipped, pipped, and shown up.

This, however, as Punch might intone, is how you do it:



Check out the real injuries and and the machine here.

They really said it:
notable quotes from the news

Reuters

"Absolutely not."
-- Microsoft chief Bill Gates, asked if would buy a special U2 edition of the iPod, made by rival Apple, now that he's friends with Bono.

"I was in Home Depot the other day and I was looking at samples of something for redoing my house and I heard somebody in another aisle say, 'I've spotted Marwan! I've spotted Marwan! Call Jack Bauer!'"
-- Arnold Vosloo, who plays terrorist mastermind Habib Marwan on "24," in the New York Post. (:/)

This one below had me laughing and I couldn't not laugh, though I knew I shouldn't be. It is, however, sad, so be warned.

Professor killed by falling car

The Guardian

The daughter of a professor told an inquest yesterday of her "dreadful shock" as she saw a car launch off a road and fall on to her father as he lay reading on a beach.

Professor Harvey Flower, who was head of the department of metals at Imperial College, London and was a world authority on aerospace metals, was on a family holiday at Shanklin, Isle of Wight, in August 2003.

The inquest heard that he was relaxing on the beach when a car reversing at high speed crossed the road above the beach, collided with a parked car and a beach hut, and then hurtled off a two-metre (6ft) wall and landed on him.

Prof Flower, from Beckenham, Kent, was rushed to hospital but died from his injuries.

Recording a verdict of death by misadventure, the coroner at Newport coroners' court said Prof Flower's death was "a devastating loss, and ... a loss to the country".

Elanor Flower, 23, the professor's daughter, told the inquest she was at the water's edge with her mother, Gladys, and a family friend when she saw the accident.

"The car seemed to be travelling at very high speed," she said.

"The parked car was shunted backwards and I saw the deckchair hut explode. A man lying near to my father rolled away, my father jumped away but he couldn't get away in time. It was a dreadful shock. I could see his legs sticking out from under the car."

The driver of the car, Eileen Smith, 61, from Shanklin, pleaded guilty to dangerous driving last November. She was given a one-year suspended sentence and was banned from driving for three years. (:/)

Dear god. However, before you judge me (too late, I'm hearing), I've got a balancing story, to prove that life really is just, well...

Chapin woman survives car crash, train collision

WIS 10

Dateline: Columbia - Lana Hudspeth, 37, of Chapin lost control of her car on Highway 76 in Ballentine around 2:30am Sunday morning.

The Highway Patrol says the vehicle left the roadway, struck a tree and then fell down a 30-foot embankment and landed on railroad tracks. Hudspeth stayed there for a couple hours until a train came along at 4:45am, hitting and pushing her car 300 yards down the track.

Highway Patrol LCPL Bryan McDougal says the site of the initial crash was difficult to see from the road, "Evidently no one witnessed the first crash and the vehicle was not visible from the roadway or passersby."

McDougal says emergency crews had to extract Hudspeth from her vehicle and then airlift her to Palmetto health Richland, "The amount of the force from that crash is unbelievable and for someone to survive is miraculous, I would say because it was a violent collision."

The woman's family says Hudspeth is in serious condition. She is said to have been talking with her rescuers after the twin crashes. (:/)

Man robs store, steals sex doll

AFP

Dateline: Moscow - A man in his 40s armed with a knife burst into a Moscow sex shop and threatened a clerk before making off with an life-size inflatable doll and some sexy lingerie.

The owner of the shop, located opposite Gorky park, estimated the value of the stolen goods at 300 euros (387 dollars).

A composite sketch was distributed to police and a search for the suspect was under way, RIA Novosti news agency said Thursday. (:/)

I didn't realise the police would need a sketch of a sex doll.

And finally

Herd of Buffalo Corralled on Tennis Court

AP

(AP Photo/Steve Ruark)
Dateline: Pikesville, Maryland - A herd of buffalo somehow got loose and wandered around an upscale neighborhood Tuesday, disrupting traffic and alarming homeowners before officers managed to corral them in a tennis court.

More than a dozen police cars and a police helicopter were used to herd the roughly 10 beasts, authorities said.



"Somehow they figured it out; I've got to give a lot of credit to the creativity of our officers," police spokesman Shawn Vinson said.



The officers used lounge chairs beside the tennis court as shields and formed a human chain to corral the wayward buffalo. One buffalo was seen leaping over one of the tennis nets in an effort to evade capture.


The animals came from a farm in Stevenson, nearly three miles away, Vinson said. They were returned to the farm later in the day. (:/)

Mooooooo! Until next time...

A passage to Nokia, willies all over the shop, bathtub trouble, chicken resus, Blofeld returns, and what God's Rotty won't be putting on the web

No time this week for comments -pure, unadulterated strangeness instead...

Romanian hides stolen mobe in vagina

The Register/by Lester Haines

A couple of years ago we reported on the Jamaican mobile phone thief who got herself into a bit of a sticky situation in Negril when "a cellular phone which was stolen from a female shopper was found after it rang from within another shopper's vagina".

Yup, the criminal mastermind had "tamponed" the phone but a quick call to the number and her cover was blown. Cue a humiliating public extraction of said phone by furious owner who declared: "Mi nuh wan' dat deh phone fi use again, mi would dash it weh."

Quite so. You'd think that this cautionary tale would be enough to deter even the most desperate mobe-lifter, but they obviously don't read Jamaica's Western Mirror in Romania, because light-fingered Ruxandra Gardian has been snared by the same "let's dial the number and see where she's stashed it" ploy.

Gardian was fingered by a restaurant customer who said he saw her steal the phone from another diner, FemaleFirst reports. Police quizzed the 34-year-old without success and were about to let her go when some bright spark suggested they call the mobe.

"On dialling the number they heard a sound coming from under Gardian's clothes and took her to police headquarters to be strip-searched," the report continues. You know the rest. Suffice it to say that a shaken officer Aurel Popescu commented: "I've seen a lot in my time as a policeman but never anything like this."

The phone's owner has refused to take the device back, declaring it was "damaged beyond repair and he would be filing an insurance claim". That should make entertaining reading and will doubtless reach the finals of the "Top Ten Mobile Phone Insurance Claims" awards for 2005.

In the meantime, we'd like to make a simple suggestion to would-be female mobe-snatchers who intend to make good their escape with a 3G device concealed in their reproductive tract: stick it on vibrate or turn the bloody thing off. (:/)

Dog Rejected As Cash Drawing Winner

AP

Dateline: Abbotsford, B.C. - A gasoline station owner is trying to smooth some ruffled fur over the winner of a cash drawing.

The name on the winning entry, "Mr. Jengels," turned out to be that of a dog owned by Kevin Strybos, who said he used the name of his miniature dachsund-pinscher cross to avoid telemarketers.

Gas station owner Mike Paz said the dog couldn't cash a check and refused to give the $410 to Strybos, who had claimed the winnings.

On Friday, Paz said he would give the money to the local animal shelter run by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and offered to hang a portrait of Mr. Jengels on a wall with other cash winners.

Strybos said he appreciated the donation but added, "I don't know if it really changes too much the way I feel about the whole situation." (:/)

The Japanese to long no longer for pictures to talk

AFP

Dateline: Tokyo - Lonely people longing for pictures of their loved ones to speak will now have their dream answered by raising a finger.


(AFP/Yoshikazu Tsuno)

A Tokyo day care company will next week begin marketing a "talking picture," which can play messages for up to 12 minutes by holding up a pen-shaped scanner by using invisible barcodes on the photograph.

"The pictures would be useful for those who hope to hear the voice of someone living far away," said Mayumi Fuji, a spokeswoman for the company CombiWith.

"Grandparents, for example, eager to know about their grandchildren would be delighted to hear their voice when they see the picture," Fuji said.

But it is also substantially more hassle than using a telephone.

The talking picture requires a photo shoot with the company and costs between 17,040 and 17,990 yen (160 and 169 dollars) depending on the size of the picture and type of listening device. (:/)

Man Upset With Penile Surgery Mails Bomb

AP

Dateline: Stevens, Pa. - A man allegedly unhappy with penile-enlargement surgery he underwent mailed explosives to a Chicago plastic surgeon, according to a federal grand jury indictment.

Blake R. Steidler, 24, allegedly made an explosive device that included a model-rocket engine igniter inside a jewelry box, the federal indictment said.

Steidler drove to North Bloomfield, Ohio, on Feb. 10 and mailed the box, but then drive home to Lancaster County, called 911, and turned himself in, according to the indictment.

East Cocalico Township Police, who received the 911 call, apprehended Steidler and turned him over to federal authorities, who were holding him in Philadelphia, officials said.

Authorities called police in Ohio, who recovered the box from the mail and destroyed it. Special Agent John Hageman, a spokesman for the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms office in Philadelphia, said the device "should have functioned and produced an explosion. ... There may have been shrapnel."

The federal grand jury indictment charged Steidler with using a weapon of mass destruction, sending explosives through the mail, interstate transport of an explosive, and related offenses. (:/)

Rubber Duck Removed from Dog After 5 Years

Reuters

Dateline: Stockholm - A rubber duck sat in a dog's stomach for five years before being removed by Swedish vets last week, a local newspaper said Tuesday.

The owner of the Apollo the Boxer dog assumed the toy had dissolved in his stomach over the years as it had not come out any other way, Daily paper Lanstidningen said.

But the owner, from the northern Swedish town of Ostersund, took the animal to a vet when it began vomiting and refused to drink and the toy was removed.

The duck had turned black and gone rock hard the newspaper said on its Web Site, showing a photograph of the toy. (:/)

Woman Gets Stuck in Bathtub for 5 Days

AP

Dateline: Hampton, Va. - A 75-year-old woman who lay trapped in her bathtub for five days toasted her rescue with a cola and a cigarette. Jane Fromal suffered slight dehydration even though she said she ran tap water to drink during the ordeal.

Doctors said they would keep her at the hospital for a few days to make sure her muscles were working right.

Fromal drew a bath Saturday afternoon to nurse a sore tailbone.

"I thought I'd get in the tub and soak," she said Thursday as she rested at Riverside Regional Medical Center. "I didn't know I was going to soak for five days."

She tried to lift herself up a number of times but was unable to do so. Her elbows and forearms were left raw and sore.

Fromal didn't sleep much during the five days. "How can you sleep in a bathtub?"

She finally got help when a neighbor's grandson noticed newspapers piling up in her driveway and insisted his grandmother call Fromal's family.

Shaun Foley, 21, tried banging on her doors and windows and noticed that her mailbox was stuffed.

James Mountjoy, Fromal's grandson-in-law, burst through a locked storm door. Family members found her in the bathroom off her upstairs bedroom on Wednesday evening.

After donning a warm robe, being lifted to safety and drinking a little water, Fromal didn't ask for food. She wanted one of her Parliament 100s and a Coke.

It wasn't the first time Fromal, who has a little trouble with her legs, has been stuck in the bathtub. A few weeks ago she lay in the tub all day.

Fromal's family plans to add railings and a tub chair in her bathroom. (:/)

Wrong Bath Lands Policeman in Hot Water

Reuters

Dateline: Tokyo - A Japanese policeman returning from an evening's drinking has landed in hot water after climbing into a relaxing hot bath in someone else's house.

The 21-year-old officer from Nara, western Japan, was arrested and charged with unlawful entry after being discovered late Friday night in the bath tub of a house about 50 yards from his own, police said.

"I can't believe it wasn't my bath," NHK television quoted the policeman, who was off duty on the day of the incident, as telling investigators. (:/)

Frozen sausage flies through open car window,
breaks British driver's nose

AFP

Dateline: London - A driver in Britain suffered a broken nose after a frozen sausage was thrown through an open window of his car, an ambulance official said.

The 46-year-old man was driving near his home in South Woodham Ferrers, Essex, southeast England, when the "bizarre incident" occurred, said a spokesman for the Essex Ambulance Service.

"He was driving his car when the offending item came through his open window and hit him on the nose," the spokesman said.

"He said he saw a car coming the other way and felt a searing pain in his nose. He managed to stop his car without hitting anyone else at which point passers-by came to his aid."

The driver lost a lot of blood from his broken nose but opted against going to hospital, according to the spokesman.

"I feel very sorry for him -- it must have been an incredibly lucky or unlucky shot to get the sausage through a moving car window. I have never seen or heard of anything like this before," the ambulance spokesman added.

Police said they were investigating the incident and wanted to hear from anyone with information. (:/)

'Mad Max' Fans Arrested for Recreation

AP

Dateline: San Antonio - Eleven "Mad Max" fans armed with fake machine guns were arrested after they surrounded a tanker truck while making their way to a movie marathon in a theatrical convoy.

As the group headed to San Antonio on Saturday, police received several calls from drivers who reported a "militia" surrounding a tanker truck.

Police charged nine people with obstruction of a highway and two others with possession of prohibited knives in addition to the obstruction charge.

One of the organizers, Chris Fenner, said the arrests were unfair. He said he didn't know why anyone would have confused the costumed crew recreating a scene from "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior" — set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland — with a real threat.

"I honestly don't know how that could be, because 'Road Warrior' was so over the top," he said.

The movie marathon was canceled after the arrests. (:/)

Man Saves Chicken With Mouth-to-Beak

AP

Dateline: Collbran, Colo. - First there was Mike the Headless Chicken, a rooster that survived for 18 months after having its head lopped off with an ax. Now, western Colorado has a new chicken survival story, this one involving a man who claims he saved his fowl by giving it mouth-to-beak resuscitation.

Uegene Safken says one of the chickens in his young flock had gotten into a tub of water in the yard last week and appeared to have died.

Safken said he first swung the chicken by the feet to revive it. When that failed, he continued swinging and blowing into its beak.

"Then one eye opened. I thought it was an involuntary response," Safken said. The chicken's beak opened a little wider, and Safken started yelling at it: "You're too young to die!

"Every time I'd yell at him, he'd chirp," Safken said.

Mike the Headless Chicken survived a beheading in 1945 in Fruita, Colo. Afterward, Mike could go through the motions of pecking for food, and when he tried to crow, a gurgle came out. His owner put feed and water directly into Mike's gullet with an eyedropper.

Scientists examined the chicken and theorized Mike had enough of a brain stem left to live headless. He was a popular attraction until he choked to death on a corn kernel. (:/)

Viva Las Vegas: Elvis impersonators gather for British record attempt

AFP

Dateline: London - A group of 100 "Elvii" -- Elvis Presley impersonators -- gathered in a London department store for a unique world record attempt.

Their task: singing 'Viva Las Vegas' at the same time.


AFP Photo

Britain's Selfridges department store, on Oxford Street in central London, was the venue for the bizarre gathering, and the rousing chorus was designed to get the participants into the Guinness Book of Records.

They were also competing for the chance to win a gig in Las Vegas as part of the store's Vegas-themed shopping celebrations this month.

Organisers boasted the event would include 100 "Elvii" -- ranging from a Chinese Elvis and a Jamaican Elvis to a diminutive mini Elvis and an Elvis choir. (:/)

Britain's Prince Harry fails basic computer test at army college

AFP

Dateline: London - Prince Harry, the 20-year-old younger son of heir to the British throne Prince Charles, has failed a basic computer test at Sandhurst army college.

"Although the computer test was a lot more complex than just sending e-mail, instructors were amazed that Harry failed it," an unnamed military insider was quoted as saying in the Daily Mirror newspaper Friday.

"He seemed to lack the same skills as other recruits," the source said. (:/)

Gunman Puts Car 'Out of Its Misery'

AP

Dateline:
Lauderdale-By-The-Sea, Fla. - A man with car trouble is in trouble after shooting five rounds into the hood of his Chrysler "to put my car out of its misery."

John McGivney, 64, shot his 1994 LeBaron with a .380-caliber semiautomatic, Broward County sheriff's deputies said.

When the property manager at his apartment complex asked what he was doing, McGivney said, "I'm putting my car out of its misery." He tucked his gun in a pocket and went back inside.

He was arrested Friday on a misdemeanor charge of discharging a firearm in public. He posted $100 bail Saturday.

McGivney said the car has been giving him trouble for years and had "outlived its usefulness." He called the shooting "dumb" and worries he will be evicted. But he doesn't regret it.

"I think every guy in the universe has wanted to do it," McGivney told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "It was worth every damn minute in that jail." (:/)

Some See Image of Virgin Mary at Overpass

AP

Dateline: Chicago - A steady stream of the faithful and the curious, many carrying flowers and candles, have flocked to an expressway underpass for a view of a yellow and white stain on a concrete wall that some believe is an image of the Virgin Mary.


(AP Photo)

Police have patrolled the emergency turnoff area under the Kennedy Expressway since Monday as hundreds of people have walked down to see the image and the growing memorial of flowers and candles that surround it. Beside the image is an artist's rendering of the Virgin Mary embracing Pope John Paul II in a pose some see echoed in the stain.

"We believe it's a miracle," said Elbia Tello, 42. "We have faith, and we can see her face."

Tuesday morning, women knelt with rosary beads behind a police barricade while men in work shirts stood solemnly before the image, praying. A police officer kept the crowd of about three dozen from getting too close to the traffic but didn't stop them gathering around the stain.

The stain is likely the result of salt run-off, according to the Illinois Department of Transportation. The agency does not plan to scrub it off the wall.

"We're treating this just like we treat any type of roadside memorial," said IDOT spokesman Mike Claffey. "We have no plans to clean this site."

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago had not received any requests to authenticate the image as of Monday, spokesman Jim Dwyer said.

"These things don't happen every day," Dwyer said. "Sometimes people ask us to look into it. Most of the time they don't. (The meaning) depends on the individual who sees it. To them, it's real. To them, it reaffirms their faith."

But onlooker Victor Robles, 36, said he was skeptical about the stain's Virgin Mary resemblance.

"I see just a concrete wall and an image that could happen anywhere," Robles said. "If that image helps more people feel closer to God than maybe that is a good sign."

Worldwide, people have been drawn to images believed to resemble the Virgin Mary seen on windows, fence posts and walls.

Among the best-known in the United States was an image seen in office windows in Clearwater, Fla. Within weeks, a half million people had been to the site. Glass experts believe the image was created by a chemical reaction and corrosion of the metallic elements in the glass coating, but they could not explain why it took the shape it did. The windows were broken last year. (:/)

Australian teenager goes off the rails taking trams for joyrides

AFP

Dateline: Melbourne - An Australian teenager who took a stolen tram for a joyride and picked up several passengers along the way had an obsession that got the better of him, police said.



The 15-year-old allegedly stole two trams within the space of two days from a depot in Melbourne, Australia's second biggest city.

But his second joyride Sunday night came to a grinding halt when police switched off the power about 30 kilometres (18 miles) from the depot.

Detective Senior Constable Barry Hills said it was believed the boy, who was bailed to appear in court in June, stole the tram keys three weeks ago.

Hills said if the teenager -- who was not identified -- behaved from now on, he could not see why the incident would prevent him from becoming a tram driver when he grew up.

"He's a nice lad, he's a good lad -- I think his obsession (with trams) just got the better of him," he said. (:/)

Firefighters Battle Blaze on Own Truck

AP

Dateline: Providence, R.I. - Providence firefighters spent part of Tuesday morning trying to subdue a stubborn blaze — in their own fire truck.
Engine 11 was completely burned after a fire started in the engine compartment while the truck was driving in Roger Williams Park.

The engine's crew tried fruitlessly to fight the flames with fire extinguishers. They had to call in another truck to put out the fire.

"This is unusual," Capt. Peter Celini told WPRO-AM. "I've been here a long time, and I've never seen a fire truck fully involved like that."

One firefighter twisted his ankle and was taken to a hospital, but no other injuries were reported.

There was no word Tuesday from the fire department on a possible cause. (:/)

Chinese Men Measure Up to Others Below the Belt

Reuters

Dateline: Hong Kong - Chinese men have no reason to feel inferior about the size of their penises, according to a Hong Kong study which showed local men measured up to others elsewhere in the world below the belt.

"Our conclusion is that Hong Kong people are no smaller than Western men, where their penises are concerned," said Chan Lung-wai, director of the Urology Center at the Union Hospital, who headed the study.

"There has always been the myth that westerners have bigger penises and their (sexual) ability is better."

A group of scientists in Hong Kong spent five months from October last year measuring 148 ethnic Chinese volunteers aged between 23 and 93.

The average length of their flaccid penises was 3.33 inches, which compared favorably with similar studies on other men overseas.

Germans have average lengths of about 3.4 inches, Israelis 3.27 inches, Turks 3.07 inches and Filippinos 2.89 inches. Italians were the longest at 3.54 inches, and Americans averaged 3.46 inches.

The study did not measure the penises when they were erect.

It found that a man's height bore no relation to the length of his member, but those with higher body mass indexes, or fat content, appeared to have shorter penises.

"It seems that as someone gets older and fatter, his blood vessels change, so the penile size is not static. It may be a reflection of the condition of the person's blood vessels," Chan said, adding that this could spur yet another study. (:/)

Girl allegedly poisons teacher with lemonade

AP

Dateline: Tampa - A 14-year-old girl was arrested Tuesday for allegedly poisoning her music teacher with lemonade spiked with marker board cleaner.

Betul Nettles, 34, became ill and was treated at a local hospital Friday, but suffered no other ill effects, police said. The middle school student was being held in the Hillsborough juvenile assessment center on a felony poisoning charge.

The girl told police she put the cleaner into the teacher's drink because she was angry Nettles wouldn't let her leave class to go to the restroom. Police said Nettles immediately knew something was wrong when she took a sip from the cup she had placed on top of a piano in class. advertisement

Other students allegedly told detectives the girl spiked the drink as several students were crowded around the piano.

"They were good witnesses, but they did not try to stop her nor did they try to alert the teacher, 'Hey, don't drink that," said police spokesman Joe Durkin. (:/)

Australian undertaker to offer beer-as-you-bury service

AFP

Dateline: Sydney - An Australian undertaker is reportedly offering a beer-as-you-bury service to take some of the sting out of bereavement.

The company in Melbourne is introducing a minibus -- complete with a mini-bar, coffee and a DVD player -- in which up to 12 mourners can ride with the coffin to the cemetery, The Sydney Morning Herald reported.

Managing director Martin Tobin said the concept may not suit all families.

"But for those who want to be together and travel with the deceased, particularly those with large families, it is a good option for them."

The new service could be popular with the Vietnamese, Chinese and Italian communities, Tobin said. (:/)

Man Who 'Mooned' Jury Competent for Trial

AP

Dateline: Panama City, Fla. - A defendant who bared his backside in court and told a judge "I am going to the moon" has been ruled mentally competent for trial.

Cornell Jackson, 31, tried to persuade Circuit Judge Michael Overstreet that he was crazy and not faking mental illness at a hearing Tuesday but to no avail.

"I ain't in my right mind," Jackson insisted. He also told the judge: "I am going to the moon. The spirits are gonna take me to the moon."

Jackson is facing a retrial on charges he beat his girlfriend. He was convicted of armed burglary, aggravated battery and aggravated assault at two trials and was sentenced to 33 years in prison.

He declined to attend the first trial and was removed from the second in July 2003 after shouting "cuckoo" and displaying his bottom to jurors.

The 1st District Court of Appeal in Tallahassee last year reversed the convictions because Jackson never received a formal hearing to determine his mental competency.

No new trial date has been set. (:/)

L.A. Attorney Moonlights As a Porn Star

AP

Dateline: Los Angeles - Criminal defense attorney Ronald S. Miller does more than file briefs — he also takes them off.

Miller has spent days in front of a judge and nights in front of a camera as Don Hollywood, a porn star. His wife, a former accountant, is also a porn star.

"My whole life, I've been one of those people who sees the wet paint sign and has to go up and touch it to see if it's wet," said the 56-year-old Miller. "I want to experience everything, try everything."

He has appeared in more than 90 films in the past seven years.

Miller said he tells his clients about his night job and has had no trouble balancing the careers.

Ethics expert and attorney Arthur Margolis said Miller isn't breaking any rules moonlighting as a porn actor.

"There isn't anything more unethical about that than being an actor or a novelist or somebody who sells frozen yogurt," Margolis said. "The only thing you have to be careful of, as you would in any other industry, is you don't do anything criminal or unethical in the sense of dishonesty."

Diane Curtis, a spokeswoman for the California Bar Association, declined to comment on Miller's second career but said Wednesday the bar doesn't have a policy prohibiting such activity. (:/)

Brie Fly

Computer hacking, according to the DTI:

WHO REALLY DOES IT
• Teenage computer ‘nerds’
• ‘Script Kiddies’
• Evil geniuses
• Naive or disgruntled employees
• Hacking groups
• Bored systems administrators
• Unscrupulous competitors
• Foreign Intelligence services (:/)

Evil geniuses? Are we sure?

The DTI has obviously done some research, so all that's left is to call 007... Hold on... evil geniuses...

And finally

BenedictXVI.com Owner Promises No Porn or Gambling

Reuters by Claudia Parsons

Dateline: Rome - An American who registered the Internet name BenedictXVI.com before the new Pope was chosen said on Wednesday he had not worked out what to do with it but was pretty sure it would be a sin to sell it to a pornographer.

Florida resident Rogers Cadenhead, who describes himself on his Web site as the author of several technology books, said on his site that he registered six domain names earlier this month based on names he thought the new pope might pick.

As well as Benedict XVI -- the name chosen by German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger on his election on Tuesday -- Cadenhead registered for a nominal fee ClementXV.com, InnocentXIV.com, LeoXIV.com, PaulVII.com and PiusXIII.com.

An attempt to visit BenedictXVI.com redirects the reader to Cadenhead's own Web site, on which he rejects the suggestion that he might be planning to cash in by selling the site to pornographers since they would be willing to pay most for it.

"For the love of God, people, that's not going to happen," Cadenhead said. "I will be running any plans I have for this domain by my own Catholic doctrinal enforcer, my never-miss-a-Sunday grandmother Rita."

Cadenhead said he was considering his options for the site but if the Pope's people were to approach him to discuss taking over the site he might make a few requests of the Vatican including "one of those hats" and "world peace."

"I've received an offer from a gambling site. I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea, ecclesiastically speaking," he added.

The Vatican has its own Web site at www.vatican.va and the address BenedictXVI.va does not exist, but a number of other variations of the new Pope's name have been snapped up.

Benedict16.com and benedictXVI.de are for sale -- the latter with a list price of 1,000 euros ($1,300) from a seller who is also offering pope-benedictxvi.com and similar German language names.

An ostensibly more altruistic group has registered benedictxvi.org and is promising to build a fan site with news, pictures and information about Benedict XVI.

"Would you like to help build a great dedication site to our new Pope? Please contact us," it says. (:/)

Indeed. Until next time...

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Robot jockeys, camel conundrums, what not to flush down a toilet, what not to get up your nose, and someone, somewhere, is still missing a finger...

Robots will replace child camel jockeys in UAE

(AFP)

Dateline: Dubai - The United Arab Emirates is to mount robot jockeys on racing camels later this year after a ban on using children in the region's popular sport.



It will become the second Gulf Arab state, after Qatar, to use robots and ban child jockeys following criticism that infants, some as young as four, were being brought in from poor countries to race the camels.

The UAE's first robot jockey exercise has been successfully carried out in the capital, Abu Dhabi, according to media reports this week which also said that the first robots would be produced in August, ready for use in the next camel racing season.

Last month, the UAE declared the use of jockeys under the age of 16 and weighing less than 45 kilograms (100 pounds) illegal from April 16.

The UAE had in principle already banned the use of children under 15 since 1993 but abuses remain widespread and no one has ever been brought to justice.

The US State Department and human rights groups say children are exploited by traffickers who pay their impoverished parents a paltry sum or simply kidnap their victims.

The children, mostly from Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and Pakistan, are then smuggled into the Gulf states.

They are often starved by employers to keep them light and increase their racing potential. Mounting camels three times their height, the children face the risk of being thrown off and trampled.

In December, Qatar banned the use of children in camel races and said it was preparing to use robot jockeys in 2005.

With the new law and introduction of robot jockeys, "the UAE will have adhered to the international regulations governing camel racing while at the same time preserving the traditional character of camel races as a popular local heritage," said Sheikh Sultan bin Hamdan al-Nahayan, a senior official.

"Unlike the human jockey, the robot is cheaper to maintain and would not have to undergo the same physical hardship that humans would," he said. (/)

Bloody red tape!

Camel costume prank sparks luggage handling probe at Australia's Qantas

(AFP)

Dateline: Sydney - Qantas launched an investigation of its luggage handling staff after a baggage handler was seen frolicking on the tarmac at Sydney airport in a camel costume taken from a passenger's bag.

Qantas chief executive Geoff Dixon said a baggage handler had been suspended and would be dismissed if an investigation confirmed he was the culprit.

"What has happened is completely unacceptable," Dixon said in a statement, adding that "we still have some issues that need to be addressed on the behavioural front".

Passenger David Cox told the Sydney Morning Herald newspaper he was "gobsmacked" when he saw a Qantas staffer wearing his camel's head on the tarmac 20 minutes after he had checked it in as part of his luggage. (/)

One camel you wouldn't be mounting in hurry, n'est ce pas?

Bloodsucking leech spends month up Hong Kong hiker's nose

(AFP)

Dateline: Hong Kong - A Hong Kong woman hiker who washed her face in a freshwater stream unwittingly returned home with a leech embedded in her left nostril.



The woman did not realise anything was wrong until two weeks later when she felt there was something in her nose, the Hong Kong Medical Journal reported in its April edition.

A first attempt by the family doctor to remove it failed due to profuse nosebleed while a second attempt in hospital was also unsuccessful as the leech retracted into her nose, the journal said in its report on the rare complaint.

Doctors finally managed to remove it using a nasal spray to anaesthetise the five-centimetre-long (two-inch) bloodsucker a month after it had invaded her nostril.

"After two minutes, the leech slowly moved out of the antrum (sinus) and was retrieved with forceps," it said.

"This form of leech infestation has not been previously reported," it added.

The woman could have suffocated if the leech had attached itself to her larynx, the journal said. (/)

Ugh.

Inmate Flushing Causing Major Problems

(AP)

Dateline: Martinsburg - It's amazing what a bored inmate will do. "To get a whole jumpsuit down a toilet seems like a major undertaking," Curtis Keller said of the items from the Eastern Regional Jail that have been jamming a pumping station auger.

Keller, general manager of the Berkeley County Public Service Sewer District, said the county has spent approximately $11,000 to clear out the jams during the past six months and more than 200 hours of labor.

"We know that inmates are likely to flush inappropriate things in an attempt to flood cells, or in an attempt, just out of boredom, of something else to do," Steve Canterbury, executive director of the Regional Jail and Correctional Facility Authority, said Sunday. "I'm not sure why they flush what they flush. They've always flushed badly."

Items issued to inmates are routinely inventoried and when something is missing, inmates are charged for replacements and may get lockdown time, depending on how many times they have done it and how many items are missing, Canterbury said.

Towels, socks, underwear, laundry bags, even what appears to be medical waste, have gotten into the pumping station, with the articles wrapping themselves around the auger, a device designed to separate trash out of the sewage, Keller said.

The system also serves other customers. It's not likely hypodermic needles came from inmates because they don't have access to them, Canterbury said.

"Our employees have to go down there and clear it out," complained Berkeley County Commissioner Ronald L. Collins, a member of the board of directors of the sewer district. At one point, the auger had so much clothing and other material wrapped in it, workers had to use an acetylene torch to burn off the debris, Collins said.

Keller believes the problem started when sewer service was switched from the old jail to the new jail in 1999. The old jail had a shredder on its sewer connection called a "muffin monster," designed to tear up anything before it got into the sewer lines and pumping station.

"In the process of changing over, the shredder has been taken out," he said.

But Canterbury said when the new jail was built, his agency bought and installed the auger for the PSD at a cost of about $800,000.

"This is what they wanted, and this is what we got them," Canterbury said. (/)

Muffin. Monster.

Students Use 125 Steps to Change Batteries

(AP)

Dateline: West Lafayette - A team of Purdue University engineering students has won the annual Rube Goldberg Machine contest with an absurdly complex contraption for changing the batteries in a flashlight.

The winning device Saturday employed 125 steps to change the batteries and turn the flashlight on.



The competition pays homage to the cartoonist Rube Goldberg, whose drawings depicted whimsically complicated machines for performing utterly simple tasks.

The contest in previous years asked students to find complicated ways to complete such tasks as sharpening a pencil and making a cup of coffee.

This year's winning contraption by the Purdue Society of Professional Engineers included a simulated a rocket launch and a meteor impact on Earth.

It was Purdue's third straight national title in the event. (/)

For more on the Geeks From Hell, see:

Geeks


More Geeks

Eva heard the one about the IT manager looking for love?

(ZDNet UK)

When glamorous IT systems manager Eva was featured in London's free Metro newspaper's "Under Offer" section looking for a date, it seems that one important detail was omitted.

She turned out to be a he, prompting Metro to run a full-page explanation on Wednesday that bordered on an apology. Eva is a gay man who arrived in Britain ten years ago to study IT, according to the Metro, which received more than 50 applications from single men across the country. Some even wrote twice, said the paper.

At work Eva, whose real name was not given, dresses as a man. "I can't be Eva in my job, because clients know me as a man," Metro quoted Eva as saying.

In what some might called a particularly un-PC article, headlined "Ladyboy", Metro apologised for the embarrassment it may have caused readers, particularly 25-year-old army officer Gareth who Eva eventually picked, but who turned down the offer. Any IT types out there who think they may be interested are advised to email metrosexual@ukmetro.co.uk. (/)

Written by my old news ed., Matt Loney. Oddly enough.

Thailand to Host World Toilet Summit

(AP)

Dateline: Bangkok - Thailand plans to upgrade hygiene in its public toilets to meet international standards as it prepares to host the World Toilet Summit next year, a health official said Wednesday.

"Toilets are very important for the country's image in the eyes of visitors," said Somyos Chareonsak, a senior official of the Public Health Ministry.

The conference is to be held in May 2006.

The first summit, organized by the World Toilet Organization, was held in 2001 in Singapore. China, where toilet facilities are often in need of upgrades, hosted one last year.

Topics discussed at the meetings include toilet design and technology, toilet management and hygiene and energy-saving measures. (/)

911 Dispatcher Reprimanded Over Wisecrack

(AP)

Dateline: Watauga, Texas - A 911 dispatcher was reprimanded for responding to a mother's plea for help with an unruly child by saying: "OK. Do you want us to come over to shoot her?"

"I admit what I did. It was stupid, it was inexcusable and I'm sorry," said dispatcher Mike Forbess.

The woman, identified only as Lori in Wednesday's Fort Worth Star-Telegram, said she recently phoned authorities after coming home to find her daughters fighting. She told the dispatcher that her 12-year-old had kicked a hole in the door.

After Forbess' comment, the woman fell silent for about five seconds.

"Are you there?" Forbess asked.

"Excuse me?" the woman asked.

Forbess, a dispatcher for five years at the Watauga Department of Public Safety, told her he was joking and apologized. But the woman was offended, and Forbess immediately told his supervisor what happened.

"This type of response cannot be tolerated, and this letter shall serve as notice that any future unprofessional responses while answering the 911 line will be cause for termination," Police Chief David Van Laar wrote to Forbess. (/)

Lithuanian deep freeze record breakers get prize, gifts from government

(AFP)

Dateline: Vilnius - A Lithuanian brother and sister who spent almost three days frozen in a block of ice have been rewarded for their "brave" feat by the government, a television report said.



Circus veterans Arvydas and Diana Gaiciunai were awarded 5,000 litas (1,400 euros) each and given gifts by Prime Minister Algirdas Brazauskas on Wednesday, LNK television reported.

The Gaiciunais claimed an unofficial world record after spending 63 hours and 31 minutes in a 12-tonne ice cube set on a stage in the Lithuanian beach resort of Palanga at the beginning of April.

Brazauskas thanked the pair for their "brave work which required determination and encouraged them to glorify Lithuania's name with more original achievements in the future," the report said.

"We were pleased by the prime minister's congratulations. Such moments give us strength for new challenges, which could promote Lithuania's name," the siblings said in a statement. (/)

Indians charged for burying children alive

(Reuters)

Dateline: New Delhi - Indian police have charged 80 people for burying children alive in an ancient Hindu ceremony known as "the festival of pits".

The ceremony, in which children -- some less than a year old -- are buried alive briefly and then dug up, happened on Monday in southern Tamil Nadu state, The Asian Age reported on Thursday.

Authorities have been trying for years to stop it and people found guilty face up to three years in jail and or a fine of 5000 rupees (60.7 pounds).

Every two years, parents who have vowed to bury their first-born if they are blessed with a child, take part in the Kuzhimattru Thiru Vizha ceremony.

The children are drugged to make them unconscious and placed in shallow "graves" in temple courtyards. The pits are covered with leaves and dirt and the children are pulled out after Hindu priests chant a brief prayer -- lasting up to a minute. (/)

Phew! Ok, this week is a short week for TAR, because it feels like I've worked like a junior doctor. And drunk like one. I've gone for more pictures to make it a more Picture Post kind of TAR instead. You may, however wish I hadn't.

But, before we go, do you remember the Finger In The Chili Story? Mmm, tasty...

Woman Won't Sue Wendy's for Alleged Finger

(AP/pix AP/byline Ken Ritter)

Dateline: Las Vegas - A woman who claimed she scooped up a human finger in her chili at a Wendy's restaurant has decided not to sue the fast-food chain, her lawyer said Wednesday.


This March 23, 2005, black and white photo released by the Santa Clara County Department of Environmental Health in San Jose, Calif., shows a portion of a human finger that Anna Ayala claims she found while eating a bowl of chili at a Wendy's Restaurant in San Jose

Anna Ayala is dropping her claim because the police investigations, DNA tests, a search of her home and intense publicity have "been very difficult for her emotionally," Attorney Jeffrey Janoff said.

San Jose, Calif., police, meanwhile, said they were investigating a possible connection to Sandy Allman, the owner of several exotic animals who lost her digit in a leopard attack Feb. 23 in Pahrump, 60 miles west of Las Vegas.

However, Allman's lawyer, Philip Sheldon, insisted his client had "absolutely no connection with Ms. Ayala." The 59-year-old woman last saw the tip of her middle finger packed with ice on a Las Vegas hospital emergency room table — and left after doctors told her it couldn't be reattached.

The hospital said the finger should have been taken to its pathology lab — but that officials could not account for it, a spokeswoman said. There's no record of Ayala working at the hospital or ever being treated there, the spokeswoman said.

San Jose police spokeswoman Gina Tepoorten said police were in contact with Allman — and have gotten tips from around the country about lost digits, including one woman who claimed she lost a finger while breaking up a dog fight "and apparently the hospital lost her finger."

Ayala was visiting relatives in San Jose on Wednesday and could not be reached for comment, said her son, Guadalupe Reyes, 18.

"The way I see it, it's like a big show," Reyes said. "Everyone's saying this and that. It's ridiculous. People are just trying to get the $50,000."

Efforts to contact Allman were unsuccessful.


Sandy Allman is shown in this photo, date and location unknown. Allman, of Pahrump, Nev., lost the tip of her finger in a February leopard attack. Allman said Wednesday, April 13, 2005, that the fingertip was not returned to her when she was treated at a Las Vegas hospital.

Ayala, 39, was at a Wendy's restaurant in San Jose on March 22 when she claimed she scooped up the 1 1/2-inch-long fingertip. She later filed a claim with the franchise owner, Fresno-based JEM Management Corp., which her attorney had said was the first step before filing a lawsuit.

Court records show Ayala has a history of making claims against corporations, including a former employer, General Motors and a fast-food restaurant. She acknowledged getting a settlement several years ago after her daughter was sickened at a Las Vegas restaurant.

"Lies, lies, lies, that's all I am hearing," she said last week after her home was searched last week by police. "They should look at Wendy's. What are they hiding? Why are we being victimized again and again?"

Clark County District Attorney David Roger said Wednesday documents relating to the warrant had been sealed.

Wendy's spokesman Denny Lynch declined to comment on Ayala's decision to drop the lawsuit, but said a reward hot line will stay open. "It's very important to us to find out what really happened at the restaurant," he said.

Wendy's maintains the finger did not enter the chili in its ingredients. All the employees at the San Jose store were found to have all their fingers, and no suppliers of Wendy's ingredients have reported any hand or finger injuries, the company said. Officials also still had not confirmed whether the finger was cooked, as initial news reports indicated.

The Santa Clara County Coroner's Office was using a partial fingerprint to try to find a match in an electronic database but came up empty. DNA testing is still being conducted on the finger. (/)

Using. A. Partial. Fingerprint. You know, I really have to try not to make TAR in worse taste that it naturally wants to be.

Until next time...

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Let them eat cake (but not escape), turkeys of doom, why reading porn while airborne is bad, swedish crims in the gym, & piercing insight from the US

So long, Pope John

John Paul reborn as 'Incredible Popeman'

(MSNBC, orig. Reuters, spotter D Quainton)

Comic book turns late pontiff into Satan-fighting superhero

Dateline: Bogota, Colombia - Pope John Paul II is being reborn in a Colombian comic book as a superhero battling evil with an anti-devil cape and special chastity pants.

The first episode of the "Incredible Popeman" is about to go on sale in Colombia and shows the late Polish pontiff meeting comic book legends such as Batman and Superman to learn how to use superpowers to battle Satan.

"The pope was a real-life superhero, of flesh and blood," said Colombian artist Rodolfo Leon, a non-practicing Catholic who has been working on the comic book for about a year.

Like any self-respecting superhero, the Incredible Popeman has a battery of special equipment. Along with his yellow cape and green chastity pants, the muscular super-pontiff wields a faith staff with a cross on top and carries holy water and communion wine.


(Pics: Daniel Munoz / Reuters)

"HomoPater," a comic book rendering of the late Pope John Paul II as an evil-fighting superhero, is shown in Bogota, Colombia.

In the comic book, the pope dies and is reborn with superpowers beyond the infallibility Catholic doctrine gave him on Earth.

Leon said he was saddened by the death Saturday of John Paul II, whom he admired. The artist worried some people might be offended by such a revered figure's becoming a comic book hero, but said the reception so far has been good. (/)

That's the only obit he's gonna get here.

Cake robber returned once too often

(Ananova)

A Chinese man was arrested after attempting to steal cakes at knifepoint three times in an hour from the same shop.

The 36-year-old burst into the cake shop at Changchun city, Jilin province, and told staff to give him some cakes.

"He came in with a knife and told us to freeze. Taking two cakes, he ran away," the shop manager told the Eastern Asia Economic News.

Considering the loss was so minor, the manager didn't call the police, but then, after only ten minutes, the robber returned and stole two more cakes.

This time, the manager called the police and officers were at the scene 30 minutes later when the man came back to the shop, asking staff to "load him with another two cakes".

At first, he told police he was a visitor and only spoke "foreign language", but he finally admitted he had just been hungry. (/)

Pensioner ordered to cut the grass

(Ananova)

A pensioner who took his daughter and son-in-law to court to force them to cut his grass has been forced to do it himself.

Paul Mueller, 72, argued he was too old to cut the lawn at the house he shared with daughter Karin and her husband Peter Hoffer.

He went to court to get them to take on the job at the house in Bonn, Germany.

But the plan backfired when the court ruled that the pensioner should be responsible for cutting the grass.

If he fails to do the job, his daughter, 43, is allowed to hire a professional gardener and make the old man pay the bill. (/)

MP shocks parliament

(Ananova)

A Brazilian MP shocked parliament when he went into graphic detail about his prostate examination.

The session had to be adjourned because so many of his colleagues were laughing, reports Terra Noticias Populares.

MP Sargento Isidorio told the regional parliament in Bahia that he had had no idea what the examination involved.

He said: "I'm still seeing stars when I close my eyes... The doctor arrived in the room and didn't lose a minute to introduce his finger.

"I wasn't aware of how it is done and the way the doctor inserted that finger was horrible, I almost fainted!"

And he called for changes in medical practice, saying: "I am not against the test but I'm against how it is performed." (/)

Artist invents pierced glasses

(Ananova, also Metro, various)

A Dallas artist has had permanent glasses pierced through the bridge of his nose.



James Sooy, 22, came up with the idea because his specs were constantly slipping down his nose.

He and a friend designed the piercing, which features magnets so Sooy can take the lenses off to bathe and sleep.

He wants to offer a model for sale by June and patent the pierced glasses.

Elayne Angel, medical co-ordinator for the Association of Professional Piercers, said the idea was eye-catching but impractical.

"I imagine putting those on and taking those off is going to be difficult, especially to try to put it on yourself," she said. (/)

For an interview and many more disturbing pictures, click here

Stone age porn

(Guardian, spotted in Ananova, original byline Krysia Diver)

Archaeologists in Germany have found what could be the oldest pornographic scene in the world.

They have unearthed what they believe to be the 7,200-year-old figurines of a couple having sex, reports the Guardian.

The find, at an archaeological dig in Leipzig, shatters the belief that sex was a taboo subject in the stone age era.

First, Harald Stäuble of the Archaeological Institute of Saxony, discovered the 8cm lower half of a man, which he named Adonis von Zschernitz.

One month later, Dr Stäuble found what could be the matching female figurine.

Dr Stäuble said: "Adonis is bent forward and the female figure is bent forward even more.

"There are two ways of looking at this. The first is that they were doing a ritual dance, but the other possibility is that the man and woman were copulating and that he was standing behind her.

"The copulation option is far more likely, and would make this the oldest representation ever of a pornographic scene." (/)

Really wanted an image with this story. If anyone finds one, tell me.

Man stabbed at Tokyo station for giving 'dirty look'

(Ananova/Mainichi Shimbun)

An unemployed man who stabbed a stranger in front of JR Tokyo Station was arrested on Saturday, police said.

The man, Juichi Ohara, 58, of no fixed address, has been accused of attempted murder.

Ohara was lining up at the taxi stand in front of Tokyo Station in the capital's Chiyoda-ku and stabbed a man behind him in the chest at about 1:20 a.m.

Ohara said the victim was giving him a dirty look when he turned around.

"He was giving me a strange look. I thought he was going to attack me so I stabbed him preemptively," officers quoted Ohara as saying.

The victim, 33, was seriously injured and taken to hospital after fleeing the scene by taxi, according to police.

Police added that Ohara was in possession of a knife which he claimed was for self-protection. (/)

Swedish prisoners go on strike over buffness

(Reuters)

Dateline: Stockholm - Swedish jail inmates have gone on strike after authorities cut down on weight-lifting and exercise sessions to stop prisoners becoming too muscle-bound.

The prisoners, whose protest sparked no violence, were locked in their cells after refusing to attend any workshops or study sessions. Around 1,000 inmates from 20 of Sweden's 60 prisons protested.

"We want to offer them other ways to keep fit and to take away some of the heavy weights," Swedish jail system security chief Christer Isaksson told Reuters on Monday.

"We don't feel it is part of the mission that society has given us to create ... over-sized muscle builders." (/)

Police Offer Reward in Horse Tail Thefts

(AP originally Oshkosk Northwestern)

Dateline: Town Of Leon, Wisconsin - Some horses in central Wisconsin may still be bright eyed, but no longer bushy tailed. Waushara and Portage county sheriff's departments are trying to figure out who is cutting off the tails of some horses.

Someone cut off parts of the same horse's tail about four times since January at a town of Leon property, Waushara County Sheriff David Peterson said.

And Portage County officials are investigating the theft of the tails of four show horses in the town of Eau Pleine.

The horses were not injured and no one has determined a motive.

In both counties, the owners described the horses as friendly and all were in pastures when the crimes occurred.

The most recent incident occurred at Waushara County rural residence during the evening of March 25.

The sheriff's office is offering a cash reward through Waushara County Crime Stoppers, Inc., to anyone who helps solve the case.

"Somebody's got to have seen something, or heard something," Peterson said.

Portage County officials publicized the incidents in their county in February but received no tips.

"We don't know if it's part of some kind of ritual. We have no idea what's going on," Peterson said. (/)

Now, I went and read the Oshkosh Northwestern, because I'm like that. It's amusing. It does, however, have what have to be the world's most obvious/stupid headers…

Headers Of The Week

Headlines for Apr. 03, 2005

Oshkosh remembers pope
Two hope to be next chairman

Really? Both of them?

Headlines for Apr. 02, 2005

Volunteers show caring
Oshkosh man passed on his passion for pigeons to children

????!!!!!

Headlines for Apr. 01, 2005

Death stirs emotions
Police investigate new robbery

And my favourite:

Headlines for Mar. 31, 2005

Man to serve in prison (/)

New woolly wonder in New Zealand as Shrek2 is shorn

(AFP)

Dateline: Christchurch, New Zealand - Shrek, a New Zealand sheep who won international fame a year ago with his substantial 27.5 kilogram (60.5 pounds) fleece, has been left bleating in the background with the emergence of an even bigger woolly wonder.

Fleece from Shrek2 weighed 31 kilograms and measured three metres (9.9 feet) in length when shorn over the weekend.

David Wightman, Shrek 2's owner, said he believes the 11-year-old sheep avoided muster for the past seven years in the remote hills above his Winterslow Station near here.

The original Shrek became a national celebrity. He was flown to Wellington for an audience with Prime Minister Helen Clark and featured in a fundraising campaign for a cancer charity. (/)

Police Hunt for Menacing Turkeys

(AP)

Dateline: Menominee, Michigan - A group of turkeys has been trotting around the city, chasing kids, startling motorists and loitering at people's homes. Authorities were notified, the EagleHerald reported, and after a slew of complaints, a hunt ensued.

"It's been keeping us on our toes," said Mike Baker, public service officer for the Menominee Police Department.

Two turkeys were captured by state Department of Natural Resources employees and turned loose in Menominee. One disappeared. Another turned up as a carcass on a city street, the newspaper reported.

A fifth, nicknamed Gertrude by a local family, also has disappeared.

Another group of marauding turkeys was found in nearby Marinette, Wis., but they appear to coexist well with residents.

"There have been no problems whatsoever," said Joe Rossley, Marinette's animal control and code enforcement officer.

The sight of turkeys in the city may be mostly in the past for the time being. In the spring, turkeys typically begin nesting and they like to do that in rural or wooded areas, not in backyards.

"A lot of wild instincts take over in the spring," says Craig Albright, a wildlife biologist with the DNR. "Most of the time they scatter about. It makes for a very exciting spring turkey hunt."

Turkey hunting season in Michigan starts in April. In fall and winter, turkeys may flock to more urban areas where residents, initially delighted with the novelty of a backyard turkey invitation, feed them.

"Turkeys seem to find cities to their liking, especially if they can find food," Albright said. "They're not afraid of people or traffic." (/)

Regular TAR readers (hello, both of you) will remember this story starting out. Sadly, Boise police took a very dim view of a nightclub's attempts at 'high' culture…

Police not fooled by strip club's "art night"

(Reuters)

Dateline: Boise, Idaho - An Idaho strip club that attempted to get around a ban on full nudity by giving patrons sketch pads for special "art nights" was cited for violating the city's nudity rules, officials say.

(AP Photo/Matt Cilley)

The citation was issued on Monday night to the Erotic City Gentleman's Club in Boise, Idaho.

Boise allows full nudity for "serious artistic" expression only, so the club handed out pencils and sketch pads to patrons so they could sketch naked women.

A police spokeswoman said officials concluded, however, that patrons were not focused on art, so officers cited three dancers for violations of the city nudity ordinance. "The case is being reviewed by the Boise city attorney for the possibility of future citations," said spokeswoman Lynn Hightower.

Erotic City owner Chris Teague called the citations a violation of the civil rights of the dancers, as well as an "insult to the patrons." But the club would suspend 'art night' until the matter was settled in court. (/)

Indeed. I also read AP's version, and was amazed to find that strippers need to wear Cornish foodstuffs over their nether regions...

AP BOISE, Idaho - Art night at Erotic City apparently wasn't artistic enough. Police raided the Boise bar Monday night for violating the city's nudity ordinance, which requires that dancers wear at least pasties and a thong unless they are engaging in a performance with "serious artistic merit." (/)

So I asked around (as you do) and in fact they're pronouned "pay-stees" and they're a kind of stick-on invisible bra. Now you know. Don't say TAR doesn't come good on its remit to educate and inform.

Suspect's Phone Tips Police to Burglary

(AP)

Dateline: Rogersville, Tennessee - Hawkins County authorities were waiting for two would-be burglars after a cell phone in a suspect's pocket accidentally dialed 911 and dispatchers overheard them plotting the crime.

Authorities arrested Jason Anthony Arnold, 29, and James Keith Benton, 38, both of Church Hill, and charged them with burglary and theft over $500. Officers said they tried to steal a refrigerator from a mobile home dealership.

The Hawkins County Sheriff's Department was tipped off early Friday morning when dispatchers overheard a 40-minute conversation from a cell phone about plans to rob the dealership.

"It's the kind with the numbers exposed," detective Eve Jackson said. "Apparently with this type of phone if you hold down the number nine it automatically dials 911. So Mr. Arnold's phone was in his front jeans pocket, and somehow the number nine got pressed, and central dispatch heard everything they said."

Deputies thought the 911 call could have been a prank because it was April Fool's Day, but the scene unfolded exactly the way the conversation had described.

The suspects went into one of the mobile homes, carried out a refrigerator and were surprised when police came out from hiding and confronted them. (/)

Loslyf reader thrown off plane

(News24, SA)

Dateline: Cape Town - An irate businessman was chucked off a Nationwide Airlines flight at the Easter weekend when he allegedly kicked up a fuss because flight crew would not allow him to read Loslyf magazine on the aircraft.

(Esa Alexander, Die Burger) AC Hoffman of Somerset-Wes with the Loslyf magazine that apparently led to him being thrown off a flight

"Nowhere on my ticket does it say that this magazine may not be read on the aircraft," said Capetonian AC Hoffman on Monday.

"And, I held the magazine in such a way that not even the woman in the seat next to mine could see what I was reading."

Hoffman and his partner, Tim Els, were en route from Johannesburg to Cape Town on business.

They are developers working in the tobacco industry and travel between the two cities once a week.

Els said: "AC always buys Loslyf."

According to Hoffman, this time around, he accidentally dropped the magazine while they were boarding the flight.

"The air hostess saw me dropping the magazine, and when I was unwrapping it in my seat, she came over to tell me to put it away," said Hoffman.

"At first, I refused, but then she went and told the captain who broadcast her request via the intercom so that everyone could hear."

According to Hoffman, the air hostess then snatched the magazine and took it to the front.

"She came back and threw the magazine down in my lap. That's when I told her she was fuckin' rude," said Hoffman.

"She obviously does not know the difference between fuckin' and fuck you, because she claimed I was swearing at her."

The aircraft was already moving and turned back from the runway towards the airport building where Hoffman was unloaded.

He had to make a statement to the police.

"This will not be the end of the matter," he said.

"My hand luggage has not even been returned yet," he said.

According to Vernon Bricknell, the airline's chief executive, his personnel complained about Hoffman's alleged "offensive" behaviour.

"Our policy contains no stipulations on pornography, but we simply do not allow that kind of stuff on our flights," he said.

"It is not acceptable. If you want to look at it, go and do so in the toilet, but not there in front of everyone. There are children around."

Eugene Goddard, editor of Loslyf, said on Monday: "The only CNAs still selling the publication are those at airports.

"It is strange," he said. "Why do you sell something at airports if people are not allowed to read it on flights?" (/)

Why indeed? I'm interested in this. Any comments gratefully received.

Norwegian Job Ad Seeks Friendly Vikings

(AP)

Dateline: Oslo, Norway - Help wanted: Vikings. Must be friendly, tourist-oriented and interested in ancient Norse traditions. Crazed, bloodthirsty pillagers need not apply.

In a rare employment opportunity for Vikings, whose job market peaked about 1,000 years ago when they terrorized Europe in their longboats, southern Norway's Vestfold county wants to fill slots at its local historical park.

The ad, to appear in local media Saturday, will be simple: "Jobs available. Vikings in Vestfold," with a link to the center's Internet home page, said Lars Kobro, self-described chieftain of the Midgard Historical Center.

"More and more we see that tourists are interested in Vikings," Kobro said Tuesday. "They don't want just exhibits, but face-to-face encounters.

But the center is seeking to play down the Scandinavian Vikings' reputation as wild, murderous looters who pillaged and burned through much of Europe, a claim Kobro said was largely exaggerated in texts left by ancient English monks.

"They were really more traders and merchants," said Kobro. He said they are seeking a corps of about 50 part-time Vikings, ready to turn out at the center when needed. (/)

Have axe, will travel.

Toilet Paper Used To Be Really Crappy

(Wireless Flash)

Regardless of what you think about your toilet paper, it's a definite improvement over what passed over the posterior in the past.

James Buckley, Jr., author of a new book, The Bathroom Companion (Quirk Books), says the ancient Romans had no knowledge of two-ply toilet paper and were forced to wipe their bums on a communal sponge soaked in salt water.

Folks in medieval England cleaned their keisters with discarded sheep's wool while ancient Hawaiians preferred coconut shells.

During the 18th century, members of French royalty used lace doilies when doing their business.

These days, toilet paper is universally available but there are still some regional differences. For instance, T.P. in the Ivory Coast is named after popular American soap operas, which means the locals can buy brands like Dallas Jumbo or Santa Barbara. (/)

Press Release Heaven

The Most Sexually Adventurous State in America is...

(Xpress Press)

Dateline: Beverly Hills, Calif-- According to a 5-year study released today by the New Sex Institute of Beverly Hills, California (http://www.NewSex.org) the Top 10 list ranking the most sexually adventurous states in America is:

1. Missouri
2. California
3. Texas
4. New York
5. Utah
6. Florida
7. Michigan
8. Illinois
9. Massachusetts
10. Pennsylvania

New Sex Institute Founder Clint Arthur explains the study's methodology: "We have provided information about New Sex techniques over the Internet since 1999, so we took the total number of orders for each state and factored in the population to arrive at a Sexual Adventurousness Quotient (S.A.Q.). The Show Me State came out on top -- which makes perfect sense when you consider our best-selling DVD 'New Sex Now' shows you exactly how to have the New Sex Experience."

For more information contact: 1-866-661-LOVE or visit http://www.NewSex.org. (/)

Ho ho ho.

Husband of 92 women dies at 81

(Sify.com)

Dateline: Bhubaneswar -- His last wish remained unfulfilled. Udaynath Dakshinray wanted to marry 100 women, but this was not to be. He died early this week, having married only 92 women in his lifetime!

Dakshinray, from Orali village in Keonjhar district of Orissa, had been paralysed for the past month. His fifth wife and 15 children were by his side at the hospital when he passed away. Also see: Sify Offbeat special

Dakshinray was an ayurvedic doctor. His first wife, Sibapriya, was a teacher in Dhenkanal. He wanted her to give up her job and go with him to his village.

When she refused, he returned to his village, with a vow to marry 100 women during his lifetime.

He married girls not only from his neighbouring villages but also from Bihar, West Bengal and Madhya Pradesh. He claimed that even foreigners had wanted to marry him.

He married his 92nd — and last — wife 10 years ago.

Dakshinray had no knowledge of the whereabouts of most of his wives. However, his 5th and 72nd wives were living with him. (/)

This month's People With Issues

(Chuck Shepherd, News of the Weird)

• In March, Billy Reed, 49, of Fleetwood, Pa., lost a 19-month battle with the state Department of Transportation over his insistence that he has a right to have his eyes closed in his driver's license photo, because of freedom of expression and his "right to happiness." After a Commonwealth Court ruled against him, Reed (who said he studies law in his spare time) said he would probably appeal. "I didn't set out on this as a mission. It's one of those things that happen in life. Here you are. Life takes you down a path, and you end up where you are."

• In 1989, after his release from prison on petty crimes, John L. Stanley undertook the serious study of criminology, lecturing and even hosting a Dallas radio program on crime, but in December, he confessed to robbing a Commerce Bank in Kansas City, Mo., because he needed to return to prison to further his study, telling the judge, "(T)here are some things about crime you can't understand unless you get into the belly of the beast" and that he needed to "be secluded and do the things I need to do while I still have the time." "You can take a butterfly and put it on a light stand, but until you are a butterfly and fly, you can't understand why a butterfly flies." (Stanley showed up for sentencing in March in a wheelchair, which was the result of his, not surprisingly, being beaten up by another inmate.) (/)

Lima taxi drivers driven to distraction

(Reuters)

Lima, Peru - Anyone climbing aboard a bus or taxi in Peru should think twice because many drivers have psychopathic tendencies, a university study says.

Some 40 percent of the 640 taxi and bus drivers surveyed by Lima's San Marcos University suffered from psychological problems and showed psychopathic tendencies, such as aggressive, anxious and antisocial behaviour, the study said.

"Drivers showed they would not feel any guilt in injuring or running over a pedestrian," the study added.

Peru's capital, Lima, is crowded with aging, pollution-pumping taxis and buses, many of which do not obey traffic rules or stop lights.

Hundreds of people die each year in bus and taxi crashes in Peru because of bad roads, poorly maintained vehicles and recklessness by drivers. In just the last three months of last year at least 85 people were killed in crashes, according to police figures. Prosecution is rare. (/)

Japanese town gets real Robocop, or
You have 20 seconds to pay your parking fine!

(AFP)

Dateline: Tokyo - The safety of a Japanese neighborhood was put in the hands -- briefly -- of a robot, which became police chief for the day in a campaign to promote safe driving.T63 Artemis, named after the Greek moon goddess Artemis, helped its subordinate human officers distribute fliers on traffic safety at the train station after its appointment as head of Hakata station and surrounding neighborhood in the southern city of Fukuoka.

Madame, I'm not fucking around. You have 20 seconds to comply

The 157-centimeter (five-foot, two-inch) tall Artemis, which has two arms and weighs 100 kilograms (220 pounds), can go on patrol with the help of a battery, police said.

Locally developed Artemis will enter the record books as the first robot police chief in Japan, where robots are being put to growing use for security.

The World Exposition, a six-month showcase of technology in central Aichi prefecture, has eight security robots on patrol day and night. (/)

I. however, am with Engadget.com:

If there's one thing all the Terminator movies have taught us, it's that you NEVER put the the robots in charge, but apparently heedless to the obvious dangers, a police station in Japan decided to make one of tmsuk's T63 Artemis security bots its chief of police for a day (it has something or other to do with promoting safe driving). (/)

Man Who Defended Self Cites Incompetence

(AP)

Dateline: Springfield, Mass. - Thomas P. Budnick says his lawyer's incompetence was to blame for his assault conviction. The funny thing is he was representing himself.

He took his case before the state Appeals Court on Wednesday, arguing that the trial judge never should have allowed Budnick to defend himself against charges of trying to poison a friend by lacing a bottle of beer with nitric acid.

Budnick once filed mining claims on Mars and threatened to sue NASA for trespassing. Such antics should have been enough to make the judge question his competence to waive counsel, his new court-appointed lawyer said.

"This was a guy who had just come out of Bridgewater," said Linda Harvey, referring to the state mental hospital.

Budnick was charged in 2002 with trying to poison friend Ryan Gauthier by spiking a 40-ounce bottle of beer.

Budnick, who claimed he had accidentally given Gauthier a bottle of acid he kept in his garage for cleaning his collection of meteorites, was convicted of assault with a dangerous weapon and sentenced to two years in prison.

But he was cleared of the more serious charge of attempted poisoning because the liquid spilled on Gauthier's leg and burned him before he could drink it.

Hampden County prosecutor Carl Lindley told the Appeals Court that, despite his eccentricities, Budnick had "made an effective litigant."

"The jury acquitted him of the most serious charge," Lindley pointed out to the panel of justices who met Wednesday at Western New England Law School.

For more than 20 years, Budnick tried to file and peddle mining claims in such diverse places as George's Bank, the asteroid belt, Mars and the moons of Jupiter. After trying several states without success, he finally persuaded Texas authorities to accept his astral mineral rights claims in 1984. (/)

25-Foot Inflatable Gorilla Stolen in Washington

(AP)

Dateline: Stanwood, Washington - Police are looking for an oversized but rather limp gorilla. Owner Mike McDaniel said the 25-foot blue and yellow inflatable animal was cut from its tether at the Viking Village shopping center after the air was let out because of high winds last Friday.

The overgrown ape, which was being used to advertise a hot tub sale at the mall, was more vulnerable to thieves because they could make an instant getaway, McDaniel said.

"If it's fully inflated, it does take five or 10 minutes for it to fully drain out," he said.

According to a police report, the last All Seasons Spa and Stove employee left the mall at 6 p.m., and the gorilla was gone when a night guard came to work three hours later.

Also taken was a fan used to inflate the unnamed gorilla, said McDaniel, who rents inflatable advertising characters from his business, Air Play Rental of Camano Island.

"I could just see it, some party blows this sucker up," said Judy Chapman, who coordinated the annual sale.

McDaniel, who has offered a $500 reward for return of the monster monkey, said it would cost $5,000 to replace, and he stands to lose $1,500 in rental income by the time a new one arrives.

At the same sale last year, vandals slashed the gorilla's leg, he said. (/)

Professor Accused of Stealing Manure

(AP)

Dateline: Rockport, Mass. - A Harvard economics professor has been accused of neglecting the standard market practice of paying for goods and services by trying to steal a truckload of manure from a horse farmer.

Stable manager Phillip Casey says Martin Weitzman, Harvard University's Ernest E. Monrad Professor of Economics, has been stealing manure from Charlie Lane's Rockport farm for years.

Police said said Casey found Weitzman on the property last Friday, so he blocked in Weitzman's pickup truck and called police. Weitzman got angry, Casey said, then offered to pay for the manure he'd already taken. But Casey said he wouldn't budge because he wanted the thefts to stop.

"He offered me $20 for it and then $40 for it," Casey said.

Casey said the land was marked private property and Weitzman, 63, had been warned before.

"He's been doing it for years," Casey told the Gloucester Daily Times.

The farm sells the manure for $35 a truckload and also uses it to fertilize a pasture.

Rockport police officer Michael Marino said Weitzman, who lives in neighboring Gloucester, is charged with larceny under $250, trespassing, and malicious destruction of property for tearing up some land with his tires. (/)

Sport

Forgetful Parnevik leaves his clubs at home

(AFP, pic AFP)

Dateline: Augusta - Jesper Parnevik's attempt to win the Masters got off to an embarrassing start here when the Swede arrived for a practice round - he had forgotten to bring his clubs.

The eccentric Swede, who once claimed he ate volcanic dust, admitted he had no one to blame but himself.

"I think I'm the first one to ever come to the Masters and forget their clubs in the garage," said Parnevik, playing this week in his seventh Masters.

"If you knew our family you would understand," added the Swede, who's best finish over Augusta National is 20th in 2001.

Parnevik was forced to play Sunday with borrowed clubs while a private jet was sent to bring his own from his home in Florida. His opening drive was a towering slice over the giant scoreboard.

The Swede's blunder raised a laugh amongst the other players.

Three-time Masters champion Nick Faldo was stunned.

"He arrived to play the Masters without his clubs," said the Englishman.

"What does that tell you? Does that tell you that maybe that volcano dust has maybe been a bit too strong. He needs to work on the mix of that volcano dust."

Davis Love, when told about Parnevik's mishap, could only laugh: "I'm not surprised." (/)

Brie Fly

New Ms Wheelchair crowned after dispute

(AP)

Dateline: Milwaukee - A new Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin has been crowned after pageant leaders stripped the original winner of the title when she appeared in a newspaper photograph standing up.

The announcement of the new winner Tuesday came amid a storm of protest over pageant officials' decision last week to take the crown away from Janeal Lee, a high school teacher and muscular dystrophy sufferer who uses a scooter as her main way to get around but says she can walk up to 50 feet on a good day and stand while teaching.

During the furor, the runner-up refused to accept the crown out of protest. Lee's sister, who also has muscular dystrophy and was named Ms. Wheelchair Minnesota, dropped out of the competition in that state. And the coordinator for the organization's Minnesota program stepped down from her job to "stand up for Janeal Lee." (/)

You either get the humour there, or you don't.

A quick shout out to http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/ which is this week's site of the week. It can't really be any other kind of site of the week, though, can it.

And, lastly, the kind of story I love. If you're squeamish, you may want to read this story looking between your fingers. I cross my legs and grip my desk.

And finally

Whatever You Do, Don't Read This...

(Reuters/MyWay, byline Ellen Wulfhorst)

Dateline Providence, R.I. - Tony Troiano grimaced as he was lifted off the floor by giant fishhooks pierced through the skin on his shoulders.

Within minutes, he started to spin, swing his feet and declare the painful experience "the greatest thing" ever.

"I was on Cloud Nine," the Wethersfield, Connecticut teenager said as he joined fellow body suspension practitioners at an annual convention over the weekend. "It was euphoric. It was spiritual. I'd do it again today if I wasn't so sore."

From tentative first-timers to the well practiced, more than a hundred aficionados celebrated their passion for body suspension at the three-day gathering, held in an old textile mill in Providence, Rhode Island.

To hang cost $100; just to watch cost $15 at what many say is the best such gathering for the hundreds, if not thousands, of people they estimate practice suspension across America.

"Ever stand up too fast and feel like you're about to pass out?" said Dave Post, of Albany, New York explaining why he liked hanging from hooks. "It's like you're stuck at that point."

The practice requires three-inch (7.6-cm) steel deep sea fishing hooks freshly inserted under the skin for each suspension.

A basic "suicide" hang uses hooks in the back, a chest suspension requires hooks in front, a knee suspension puts the body upside down, and the "Superman" pose requires hooks along the back and upper thighs. The hooks are attached to ropes, and pulleys slowly lift the body off the floor.

Some people spin like acrobats, some play like children on a swing and others hang solemnly. Some giggle, some cry.

"Some people have a spiritual experience, some people just have fun and some people don't like it and come right down," said Mike Giossi, a local mechanic and fan of the practice.

Jess Robins, a student from Canada, hung almost motionless from hooks inserted through the tops of her breasts. Blood poured down her belly, and her legs trembled.

Nearby, two men played a game of tug-of-war, pulling at each other with wire cables attached through their elbows.

"When I first got off the ground, I never felt pain like that in my life. But afterward, I was just filled with empowerment," said Giossi. "I've never been happier than when I came down."

Practitioners may seek the power and intensity suspension offers, said Karen Conterio, co-author of "Bodily Harm," a book about self-mutilation. Suspension also could be a rite of passage.

"It's a conquest of some sort. People are pushing the envelope more and more to attain some kind of separation and identification from society, and this is one way of doing it," she said. "Most people who probably are pretty healthy are not going to go to that extreme."

Many practitioners say suspension is somehow therapeutic.

"Look at his face. He's so serene," said Rosemary Curtis, watching her boyfriend swing slowly in the "Superman" pose. "We've had some really rough times this year, and he needed this really bad."

Not everyone was convinced. Colin Vanalstine watched but was not about to try it. "I'm afraid of needles," he said.

For such an off-beat practice, the convention is remarkably well-run, with sanitary precautions, surgical tools and almost military efficiency in preparing people for their suspension.

Some hang for a few minutes, others for an hour or more.

The biggest danger is cross-contamination, organizers said, due to so much open flesh and blood. Other dangers involve people passing out or suffering seizures, they said.

"The first couple of times, I didn't enjoy it," said Canadian Warren Hiller. "The first time I blacked out, and one time I was convulsing. But the third time I got better. I wasn't blacking out anymore."

It's not masochism, said Allen Falkner of Dallas, who has practiced suspension for 13 years. "Suspension is not about pain, it's about getting past the pain."

Advocates say suspension has been practiced since ancient times in many societies.

"It's searching for answers, trying new things," Hiller said. "You can only get pierced and tattooed so many times." (/)

Until next time...

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