Headlines in search of a story; man loses mind, Porsche; Britain's loneliest men; grannytastic action, and more rubbish from this week's weirdo bin

This week's been a bit tough over at TAR Towers, but nothing stops the news juggernaut does it? Does make one wonder why one bothers, though.

So, without further ado:

Headlines In Search Of A Story

The weekend shall inherit the mirth

Will always has Paris

The umpire strikes back

Isn't it bubonic? Don't you think?
(In which Alanis Morisette gets a medieval virus - DQ)

Same Shi'ite, different day

Tae kwan doh!

I FOUGHT THE LAW SPECIAL

After learning from the gorgeous Erica Davies on the Currant Bun that her backbench came up with the award-winning fashion headline:

"I fought velour, but velour won"

TAR wants a subsection of HISOAS devoted entirely to abusing that famous song title

"I fought Loire and Loire won"
(In which a Richard Branson land buying opportunity falls through due to odd French laws)

"I fought the lard, but the lard won"
(Obvious)

I fought the Bard, and the Bard won
(My entire school 'career')

Your submissions are invited.

Brits steal carloads of F**king Austrian roadsigns

The Register (from Ananova)

An Austrian village called Fucking will not change its name despite sniggering Brits making off with its roadsigns.

Mayor Siegfried Hauppl has asked visitors to lay off the signs which began to attract outside attention after British and US soldiers passing through in 1945 illuminated the locals as to the English meaning of Fucking, Ananova reports.

Hauppl explained: "We had a vote last year on whether to rename the town, but decided to keep it as it is. After all, Fucking has existed for 800 years, probably when a Mr Fuck or the Fuck family moved into the area. The 'ing' was added as a word for settlement."

We reckon that Fucking has been around a lot longer than 800 years, otherwise there wouldn't have been any Fucks to lend their name to the village in the first place, would there?

Be that as it may, the disappointing news is that the residents of Fucking are - according to Franz Duernsteiner, an expert on preposterous Austrian village names - very "conservative" people. He said: "Most of them can speak English, and when someone asks them where they come from they are a little ashamed to say it."

That's fair enough, and certainly something the residents of Milton Keynes can sympathise with. (:/)

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Naughty but nice

Violent or erotic images cause momentary
periods of “emotion-induced blindness”

Vanderbuilt University

If your partner seems to be ignoring you after a flash of nudity on the television screen, it might not be his or her fault: A new psychological study finds that when people are shown violent or erotic images they frequently fail to process what they see immediately afterwards.



Photo by Neil Brake
David Zald - (:/) ... now needs glasses, one assumes ... (:/)

Two studies that explore this effect, called attentional rubbernecking, were conducted by Vanderbilt University psychologist David Zald and Yale University researchers Steven Most, Marvin Chun and David Widders. The results are described in the August issue of the journal Psychonomic Bulletin and Review.

“We observed that people fail to detect visual images that appeared one-fifth of a second after emotional images, whereas they can detect those images with little problem after viewing neutral images,” says Zald, assistant professor of psychology and member of the Vanderbilt Kennedy Center for Research on Human Development.

Anyone who has ever slowed down to look at an accident as they are driving by – or has been stuck behind someone who has – is familiar with the “rubbernecking” effect. Even though we know we need to keep our eyes on the road, our emotions of concern, fear and curiosity cause us to stare out the window at the accident and slow to a crawl as we drive by.

According to Zald, this appears to be an involuntary effect: “We think that there is essentially a bottleneck for information processing and if a certain type of stimulus captures attention, it can basically jam up that bottleneck so subsequent information can't get through.”

Previous studies have demonstrated that there are limits to how much information people can hold in their visual short-term memory. As a result, we often miss visual images that pass right before our eyes when we are paying attention to something else. The new research indicates that we can also miss what we are searching for if we are shown an unexpected image that impacts us emotionally, a situation the researchers call “emotion-induced blindness.”

This effect can explain some common human behaviors. “If you are simply driving down the road and you see something that is sexually explicit on a billboard, the odds are that it is going to capture your attention and – for a fraction of a second afterwards – you will be less able to pay attention to other information in your environment,” Zald says. “So you might not see that car coming at you or the person crossing the street because your bottleneck has been jammed.” (:/)

Porn proves perennial staying power

AAP/Spotter Rene Millman

Pornography and glossy men's magazines buried at tips last longer than other magazines, new Australian research has found.

Scientist Fabiano Ximenes, 31, dug through two Sydney dumps to find out how long wood and paper products survive in landfill sites.

He found that magazines, newspapers and old bits of wood thrown away up to 46 years ago were in almost perfect condition, with pornography lasting the best of all.

He displayed a 1979 copy of the men's magazine Playboy which was in near mint condition, and said its thick wax coating could be the reason for its longevity.

"The best preserved was the pornography," Mr Ximenes said.

"It was a bit ironic." (:/)

Gone temporarily blind, I'd say...

Crash tradegy [sic - no, really]

The Evening Chronicle (NE UK)

A grandfather whose heart stopped at the wheel was jolted back to life when he crashed into a bus stop - only to suffer a second fatal attack.

Just minutes after Selby Sarginson, 66, dropped off his wife Frances for work at a chartered surveyors in Gateshead's Team Valley, he is believed to have blacked out causing him to lose control of his car.

But the pensioner, known as Sonny, appeared fine when his wife arrived at the scene of the accident on Ropery Road, Gateshead, after a call from police, although he couldn't recall what happened.

Sonny, of Cedar Crescent, Dunston, Gateshead, who had a heart transplant in 1997, had just been for a regular hospital check-up. He was taken to Newcastle's Freeman hospital for observation but while Frances sat in the waiting room he suffered a fatal heart attack.

Today Frances, 62, paid tribute to her loving husband of 43 years and champion side-car enthusiast.

She said: "Sonny suffered problems with his heart for many years which caused him to feel breathless and tired, but in 1997 he was given a heart transplant and began to feel much better.

"On the day of his accident Sonny and I had been to hospital for his check-up and before driving home he dropped me off at work.

"Then I got a phone call saying he had been in a crash but was fine. I went to the scene where Sonny was chatting to people."

Sonny, a former glazier, had two daughters, a grandson Ben, 12, and grandaughter Abigail, five.

Mrs Sarginson added: "We were driven to hospital in an ambulance so Sonny could be checked over.

"When I asked him what happened he said the only thing he could remember was that he had bumped into a bus shelter. He had no idea what else happened.

"I waited for him in hospital thinking he would be fine and we could go home, but I was told he'd passed away.

"It's thought his heart had stopped when he was driving and then when he crashed into the bus stop the force of the impact jump-started it again.

"It's just such a shock. We knew he'd been feeling a bit off-colour but we never thought anything like this would happen." (:/)

Almost worth having just for the headline writer hoo kant spel...

Farming Today

Farmer turns vigilante

Ashburton Guardian (NZ)

A Pendarves farmer sick of people stealing from his rural property spiked a drum of petrol with sugar and soap, then ran down thieves who stole it when their car wouldn’t work properly.

One of the thieves, Justin John Ruffles, appeared before Ashburton District Court Judge Murray Abbott yesterday for sentence after admitting a charge of burgling the farmer’s shed. Defence counsel Jared Bell said Ruffles was one of several in the car, but the only one charged. “He took the liquid in the container and, with the associates, poured it into the car.”

The farmer interrupted and the offenders fled, though not speedily.

Mr Bell said the car couldn’t go more than 70kp/h and was spluttering as the spiked fuel made its way into the engine.

The farmer followed and called police.

Judge Abbott said it was notoriously difficult to trace thefts from farms and other rural properties and Ruffles and like-minded people needed to be deterred.

He sent the 21-year-old shearer to jail for four months.

The judge said farmers and other rural land owners should not have to be concerned about being victims of theft of petrol or other items from their properties.

He repeated the warning to Ricky David Bennett, a 17-year-old freezing worker who appeared later.

Bennett admitted stealing petrol from a Winchmore farm, as well as illegally carrying a shotgun and possessing a cannabis pipe.

Bennett and an associate were making off with $60 of petrol in two containers when the farmer disturbed them and they fled.

Police found the dismantled gun on the floor of the car when they stopped Bennett’s vehicle a short while later.

The judge fined Bennett a total of $1000 and ordered him to pay $130 court costs on each of the three charges. He ordered the gun to be destroyed. (:/)

"Farmer turns vigilante" SHOCK!

Farmer Writes Personal Ad in Cornfield

AP

Dateline: Canandaigua, N.Y. -- It sounds a little corny. A farmer looking for love has planted a personals ad, using corn stalks in a cow pasture. It reads: "S.W.F Got-2 (love symbol) Farm'n." Underneath is a 1,000-foot-long arrow pointing single white females to his house.



Photo of Pieter DeHond‘s field in Canandaigua, N.Y., shows his lovelorn message in his cow pasture in 50-foot-tall letters made from corn stalks. (AP Photo/Robert Mincer)

"It only took me about an hour - I did it with a corn planter in May," Pieter DeHond said Wednesday as he removed weeds from the 18-acre field. "I was just horsing around."

In place of a newspaper ad, DeHond said he decided on an impulse to use up the extra corn seed left after spring planting at his 200-acre Pleasure Acres farm in western New York.

"I wouldn't place a personal ad in the paper. To me it seems desperate," he added, laughing. "This is more of a fun thing. I put this out in a field where nobody could see it unless you flew over it."

The 41-year-old divorced father said running a business and looking after his two teenagers doesn't leave a lot of room for socializing.

His corn stalk appeal, featured this week in his hometown Daily Messenger newspaper, has already drawn quite a few phone calls and e-mails.

"I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't a little proud," DeHond said. (:/)

Criminal Negligence

Car thief suspect asks victim for help

AP

Dateline: Fort Smith, Ark. - Police say a man who broke into a car severed his left wrist on some shards of glass, then kicked in a door to the car owner's home and asked for help.

Avis Pilcher, 78, called police to aid Joseph G. McQuade, 29, of Huntington, who initially said he had cut himself while being chased. Police later discovered blood in Pilcher's garage, presumed McQuade cut himself while breaking into the woman's car, and arrested McQuade.

Pilcher said she awakened to screams for help about 12:35 a.m. Monday and that McQuade entered her room, blood shooting from his left wrist, a police report said.

McQuade was arrested on suspicion of burglary, breaking and entering a vehicle, breaking and entering an unoccupied structure and on other warrants. McQuade was taken to the hospital for treatment of his injuries. (:/)

Scilly knicker thief exiled from islands for 7 years

The Grauniad

A bed and breakfast owner who amassed a bizarre collection of women's underwear and sex aids during five years of petty thieving on the Isles of Scilly was exiled to the mainland yesterday for seven years.

Andrew Stephan, who exploited the islanders' habit of leaving properties unlocked, will not be allowed to return, even for holidays or to visit his estranged wife and two young children, until August 2012.

The ban, covering 140 islets as well as the five main inhabited islands, was imposed by Truro crown court as a more effective penalty than a fine or jail. Judge Paul Darlow told 42-year-old Stephan, who expressed "deep shame", that he had "badly shaken the islanders' trust".

The court heard that the thefts of 160 pairs of knickers had gone undetected during the five years Stephan preyed on washing lines and bedrooms, mostly on the main island of St Mary's, where he also worked as a builder. He was caught after his marriage broke down in late 2003 and he had moved out of the five-bedroom bungalow that he and his wife, Sonia, ran as a B&B.

The hot water in the house failed shortly afterwards. When Mrs Stephan's new partner, James Vickers-Fletcher, unscrewed floorboards in the loft, he was startled to find three bags of knickers stuffed beside the plumbing. During the next few days he lifted other sections and found more underwear, sex toys and intimate photographs.

"Every time I went through a hatch, I seemed to find more stuff," he told the court, which heard how further caches were discovered in the garden shed, where one set of lingerie was entangled with diving equipment left behind by Stephan.

News of the find spread rapidly in the small community of some 2,200 islanders, 1,670 of whom live on St Mary's, and women went to the police station to identify their clothes and other items.

Stephan pleaded guilty last month to 10 counts of theft after earlier contesting the charges in proceedings which saw 11 women flown from Scilly to give evidence, at a cost of £5,000. He was also sentenced to 1,500 hours of community service, ordered to pay £1,000 in legal costs, and banned from entering any house in England and Wales without an invitation.

Barrie van den Berg, prosecuting, said Stephan had told police he had gone thieving for sexual reasons."He told them that he was trying to get help for it and knew he needed help."

Llewellyn Sellick, in mitigation, said Stephan had no previous convictions and the punishment was effectively "banishment from his home" on the islands where his 10-year-old daughter and four-year-old son live with their mother.

Judge Darlow told Stephan the Isles of Scilly had a trusting atmosphere that allowed people to be relaxed about locks. "That is a trust that does not exist, unfortunately, here on the mainland, and one that must have been badly shaken by your activities." (:/)

And it's not just the Scilly Isles...

Singaporean fined for stealing women's underwear

AFP

Dateline: Singapore - An unemployed Singaporean man suffering from depression was reportedly fined 2,000 Singapore dollars (1,212 US) for stealing 49 pieces of women's underwear.

According to the Straits Times, Cheng Chee Kam, 48, was caught red-handed in May when he tried to steal a red G-string from a washing line outside an apartment block.

Police later found 48 other pieces of underwear at his home.

Cheng's lawyer told the court Tuesday her client was suicidally depressed because his construction business had failed.

Under local law, Cheng could also have been jailed for up to three years. (:/)

No Golden Arches for McDonald's extortion man

AFP

Dateline: Taipei - A Taiwanese man who reportedly tried to extort more than 60,000 dollars from McDonald's to help pay off his credit card bill has been arrested.



Hsieh Hsin-ling tried to get the Golden Arches to live up to their nickname and fork over two million Taiwan dollars (62,500 US) by making threatening phone calls demanding the money.

The jobless 38-year-old allegedly threw a Molotov cocktail into a McDonald's outlet in Taoyuan, south of Taipei, at dawn on Monday. No one was injured and the fire-bomb was unlit.

Police said they arrested him on Wednesday when he was making another blackmail call to the Taipei offices of the US burger giant. Local media said the man was trying to pay off his credit card debts.

Food extortion is not unknown in Taiwan.

In 1992, blackmailers put bombs in two McDonald's outlets in Taipei, killing a police officer and wounding two employees.

Last month, a 40-year-old man was sentenced to death after lacing energy drinks with cyanide in another extortion case. One person was killed. (:/)

Woman charged with kidnapping lawn boys

AP

Dateline: Martinsburg, W.Va. - A woman faces two counts of kidnapping after allegedly paying two boys for a lawn job with a fake $50 bill, then holding them hostage when they caught on.

Tracy Lynn Clinton, 39, remained in the Eastern Regional Jail on Wednesday, where she has been held on $12,500 bail since her arrest Monday. Police say she has no known address.

Martinsburg Patrolman E.C. Neely said Wednesday the victims were two slightly built boys, ages 12 and 13, who told investigators they were terrorized by Clinton. She allegedly screamed at them, threatened physical violence and exhibited bizarre behavior that included publicly urinating on a fence.

The boys told police they had been cutting lawns around Martinsburg when they saw Clinton sitting on a porch. She offered to pay $30 but said she needed change for what turned out to be a fake $50 bill.

The boys did the job, but questioned the currency. Clinton allegedly talked them into going with her to another location, then made them wait for more than an hour and threatened to harm them if they tried to leave.

Neely said Clinton punched one child in the back when he finally ran away, but neither boy was seriously injured.

If convicted, Clinton could get life in prison on the kidnapping charges and as much as a year in prison on the counterfeit bill charge.

She also faces two counts of failing to appear in court for unrelated incidents. (:/)

Man Busted Over Pot-Filled Bear

AP

Dateline: Rohnert Park, Calif. --- The owner of an overnight mailing business grew suspicious of a customer who sent a package to different addresses in Wisconsin every two weeks. His hunch was right.

A quick inspection of the customer’s latest package revealed an unusually heavy teddy bear with a crude stitch on the back, so the businessman called police.

Investigators opened the bear, unrolled 30 feet of cellophane and found a heat-sealed plastic bag at the center of the teddy filled with roughly a pound of marijuana.

Gilberto Perez Pereira, 43, and Susan Janette Roark, 48, were arrested after an investigation, Rohnert Park police said Monday.

Pereira told police that he was sending the packages for a friend and that he didn’t know what was inside the boxes.

Pereira allegedly provided a fake name to the mailing business, but police said he was easily tracked because he repeatedly called the business to ask why his package hadn’t been mailed. (:/)

Home News

Britons 'have £1bn in loose change'

PA/Spotter - The Grauniad

Britons have enough small change around their homes to fund half of the London Olympic Games, according to a survey published today.

About £1bn is lost or lying idle in the UK's 24.7 million households, the study found.

An overwhelming 88% of the 1,500 people surveyed said at least £10 was lost in small change throughout their home.

A further 62% estimated they had at least £56 in jars, pots, pockets and down the back of sofas.

Less than a quarter (24%) intended to take this loose change to the bank or spend it, according to the research, commissioned by banking and finance recruitment company, Jonathan Wren.

Londoners were the country's biggest losers, with £121 worth of redundant cash at home, whereas people in Birmingham had £61.

Men lost most money at home, accounting for three quarters (73%) of the lost funds.

Added to the lost sterling was forgotten foreign currency left over from annual holidays. Those questioned estimated they had a average of £20 worth of foreign coins at home.

The survey goes on to reveal that it is not only the loose change that gets neglected or forgotten.

Fewer than one in 10 (9%) of those questioned could give an accurate account of their bank balance to the nearest £25 and only a third (36%) knew the exact amount of the debt they carried on their credit or store cards, or how much they had left to pay on their mortgage.

Philip Marks, managing director of Jonathan Wren, said: "It seems as a nation we're too apathetic to make our money really work for us and it's leaving us poorer than we should be."

To help households keep track of their cash, the company suggests people put all their loose change in one jar or pot, keep all banking documents in an organised file including pension, payslips, tax returns and investment documents, and read bank statements before filing them. (:/)

Picture Story

Gas Thief Escapes on Tricycle

National Geographic

Photo: Chinese boy stealing natural gas on a tricycle
Photograph by China Newsphoto/Reuters/Corbis

August 16, 2005—Speeding from the scene of the crime, a Chinese boy tows a floating plastic bag of stolen natural gas last week. Flouting a government ban, farmers around the central Chinese town of Pucheng frequently filch gas from the local oil field.

As Chinese industry booms and automobile use spreads, the country as a whole appears to be on a feverish quest for fossil fuels. Oil consumption rose by 11 percent last year, and the number of private autos hit 14 million in 2003—and is expected to rise to 150 million by 2015. (See "China's Boom Is Bust for Global Environment, Study Warns.")

China National Offshore Oil Corporation dropped its bid for U.S. oil and natural gas company Unocal earlier this month. But the China National Petroleum Corporation, the country's biggest oil company, has now joined with an Indian company in an effort to buy PetroKazakhstan, a Canadian company with oil fields in the central Asian country of Kazakhstan. (:/)

Escapes? From what?? What's slower than a boy on a trike towing a bloody great bag??????

That's Entertainment?

Housewife hammered

Reuters

Actress Eva Longoria, co-star of the Seven hit Desperate Housewives, was struck in the head by a falling pole while filming a scene for the show today, but was not seriously hurt, her publicist said.

The petite actress, who plays the conniving, adulterous Gabrielle Solis on the series, was taken to a nearby hospital where she was treated for a bump on the head and released, spokeswoman Liza Anderson said.

Longoria, 30, will return to work as scheduled, Anderson said, adding, "She's got a hard head." (:/)

Braking spews

Woman Gets Cable Bill With Derogatory Name

AP/ABC 7

Dateline: Chicago - LaChania Govan said she got bounced around by her cable company when she called to complain. She made dozens of calls and was even transferred to a person who spoke Spanish - a language she doesn't understand. But when she got her August bill from Comcast she had no trouble understanding she'd made somebody mad. It was addressed to "Bitch Dog."

"I was like you got to be freaking kidding me," said Govan, 25. "I was so mad I couldn't even cuss."

Govan said the only thing she did to Comcast employees that might be considered rude came after a few dozen calls when she felt she was treated shabbily. "I did tell them, 'You know what, it has to be a qualification to work for your company that you have to be rude,'" she said.

Govan said she talked to a supervisor and he offered her two months free service, which she turned down.

Finally Wednesday, about two weeks after she got her bill, somebody from the company left a message on her answering machine in which the caller apologized.

Comcast officials said it shouldn't have happened.

"We only use the actual customers names on the bill," said Patricia Andrews-Keenan, a Comcast spokeswoman.

Company officials went through the records and identified two people who were involved with the name change and fired them, Andrews-Keenan said. It's unknown why the employees did it.

In another case, Peoples Energy customer Jefferoy Barnes started getting letters addressed to "Jeffery Scrotum Bag Barnes."

"I had no bad words at all. I guess the earliest letter is dated in May and from then on up until now my name has been listed as Jeffery Scrotum Bag Barnes and I have no idea why."

Barnes said he received an apologetic call from a company official. He also has contacted an attorney to determine if he can take legal action.

A Peoples Energy spokeswoman called the letter inexcusable. (:/)

Far shorted than the words its recipient had to use, methinks.

Drug dealer must forfeit lottery winnings

Reuters

Dateline: Houston - A Mexican citizen must forfeit about $2.75 million (1.52 million pounds) in Texas lottery winnings because of his drug-trafficking conviction, a federal appeals court said on Wednesday.

Jose Luis Betancourt, 52, was arrested after making a cocaine delivery shortly after accepting $5.5 million for having the winning ticket in the December 11, 2002, lottery drawing, according to court documents.

A jury convicted Betancourt, who was living in the border city of Brownsville, Texas, of conspiracy and two counts of possession with intent to distribute cocaine in May 2003 and also found he must forfeit his one-half interest in the lottery ticket.

A three-judge panel of the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals agreed with the trial court judge's ruling that Betancourt bought his share of the ticket with drug proceeds because that was his only apparent source of income.

The court also upheld his punishment of more than 24 years in prison without parole.

"Mr. Betancourt's luck ran out, and appropriately so," said U.S. Attorney Chuck Rosenberg. (:/)

City, restaurateur at odds over banners

Delaware Maryland Virginia Daily Times

Dateline: Salisbury -- A downtown restaurateur has until Friday to remove banner reminders that the rear parking lot at Flannery's eatery is not a public restroom, signs officials say were erected in a historic district without permission and in violation of a city code.


(Times Photo by Joey Gardner: Flannery's owner Stewart Davis adjusts one of the signs he has put up to deter people from using the parking lot behind his restaurant as a restroom. The city says the signs are in violation of code and has asked Davis to remove them by Friday)

William Holland, director of the Salisbury Department of Building, Housing & Zoning, notified the James Taylor Family Partnership, which owns the Flannery's property, of the violation in an Aug. 12 letter.

Failure to comply, Holland said Tuesday, would result in fines that could mount to $500 a day.

"There is a law about the banners themselves and then there is the part about a permanent structure sign being erected without approval," Holland said. "I received a complaint from somebody who didn't like looking at them."

Stewart Davis, who owns and operates Flannery's, in July erected the banners on Calvert Street in the rear of the property to discourage passers-by from using the lot as a restroom. The issue surfaced in the early summer, Davis says, when the region's public transportation service, Shore Transit, reduced operating hours of public restrooms for bus riders.

The Salisbury terminal for Shore Ride is at the corner of Calvert Street and North Salisbury Boulevard and next door to Flannery's, which fronts West Main Street. Shore Ride is a reservation-only public bus service and component to the Shore Transit system.

"Bathrooms were open until midnight but the transit company cut back and began shutting them down (earlier)," Davis said. "I have trailers and a dumpsite behind the restaurant and people waiting for the bus find a cubbie hole and urinate, defecate and throw tampons. ... I have to hose the area."

The problem, he says, usually begins after 6 p.m., the hour Shore Transit closes its public restrooms. The restaurant operates until 9 p.m. on weeknights and until 10 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays.

"People can see them (relieving themselves) from the parking lot, Route 13 and the (convenience) store across the street," Davis said. "Some come inside wanting to use the bathroom. If I don't let them, they go behind the restaurant."

Complaints to the city of Salisbury and Wicomico County Health and Salisbury Police departments failed to resolve the problem, Davis said.

Police officers have responded to calls from the restaurant, but culprits have usually disappeared by the time they arrive, he said.

"The police can't do anything unless they (catch them in the act)," Davis said. (:/)

Lovely!

Stunned waitress gets Porsche as a tip in Sweden

AFP

Dateline: Stockholm - A waitress in Sweden thought her elderly customer was joking when he offered her his Porsche as a tip, but he kept his word and gave her the keys to the car, daily Aftonbladet reported.

"I thought at first he was joking with me," 19-year-old Josefin Justin told the paper on Thursday.

Justin was waiting tables at the Njuraanger Cafe in Sundsvall in central Sweden when the man, who had recently retired and was dining with a group of gentlemen, asked her age.

When she told him, "he said I would get his Porsche as a tip."

"At first I was a little suspicious but I didn't get the feeling he was hitting on me or anything, he just seemed really nice," she said.

She got his phone number and the next day when she called him, he said he remembered his generous offer. Accompanied by her father, she went to the man's house to pick up her new car.

It turned out to be 1979 Porsche 924 worth 30,000 kronor (4,000 dollars, 3,215 euros).

"It needs a little work, a paint job among other things, but we checked it out and everything was fine," Justin said.

The man, who asked to remain anonymous, told the paper he couldn't really explain why he gave her the car.

"I was just sitting there in the restaurant and looked her in the eyes and saw an angel and thought to myself 'The Porsche, she should have it'," he said.

Asked if he had any regrets, he replied: "No, absolutely not." (:/)

Loch Ness Monster TV stunt fools Nessie-hunters

AFP

Dateline: London - Loch out! Hundreds of stunned tourists were duped into thinking they had seen Scotland's famous Loch Ness Monster, the television pranksters behind the stunt revealed.

The legendary creature, said to live in the Highland lake's murky depths, has attracted Nessie-hunters to the shoreline for decades, eager for a glimpse of the mystery being.

Around 600 people got just what they were looking for when they saw a 16-foot (five-metre) beast rise through the water.

However, Britain's Channel Five television admitted Tuesday that the startling vision was actually a 440-pound (200-kilogramme) animatronic model named Lucy which had roamed the loch for a fortnight.

The results were filmed for a forthcoming programme on Nessie.

The television channel said the public reaction ranged from those utterly convinced they had seen the legendary beast and those who know a fibre-glass and polyurethane rubber hoax when they see one.

"The Loch Ness Monster is one of the world's most enduring myths, and we thought it would be fascinating to see if the general public, fed on a diet of movie special effects, could still believe in Nessie," said Five's senior programme controller, Chris Shaw.

A Five spokeswoman said: "Some people were thinking 'what is it?' -- they couldn't quite work it out -- whereas other people thought it was the waves and some were saying they had definitely seen a green hump.

"I think it shows that people still want to believe in the myth."

Ronald Mackenzie, who runs Royal Scot boat cruises, said some tourists had been taken in.

"The first time Channel Five put the monster in the loch even we were unaware of it, so we were pretty shocked.

"There were a lot of Americans who were impressed, some people who believed it and others who thought it was just part of the tour." (:/)

(Head of) A Right Old State

Yachts a sign of economic strength for Berlusconi

Reuters

Dateline: Rome - What economic doldrums? The huge number of yachts that Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says he can spot from the window of his luxury villa is proof that Italy's economy is enjoying very smooth sailing.



"Not even the economy is doing so badly," Berlusconi told La Stampa newspaper in an interview published on Wednesday.

"From my villa I have a big panoramic view in front of Punta Lada which is noticeable even this year for the many yachts," he said from his sprawling holiday home on the island of Sardinia.

But, La Stampa asked, don't they just belong to the wealthy?

"If they are rich people's yachts then we have a lot of rich people," the media magnate responded, blaming slumping consumer confidence in Italy on a media campaign launched by the centre-left opposition ahead of next year's general elections.

Italy's economy grew an unexpectedly strong 0.7 percent in the second quarter this year, bringing an end to a recession. But analysts still expect full-year growth to be flat, lagging much of the rest of Europe.

Berlusconi, however, had a more positive outlook.

"Salaries have risen more than inflation, our family wealth doesn't have an equal in Europe. No one else can boast more mobile phones, more cars, more televisions than Italians. Do you know how many of our ladies can afford beauty treatments?"

Berlusconi himself reportedly underwent hair implant surgery for the second time in 12 months. (:/)

You go (old) girl

93-year-old Lithuanian woman floors
robber with killer grip

AFP

Dateline: Vilnius - Two thieves who tried to rob two elderly women in the Lithuanian city of Klaipeda, thinking they were easy prey, got more than they bargained for when the older of the two victims, aged 93, valiantly defended herself.

The two would-be thieves rang the doorbell where Zoja Popova, 93, lives with an 85-year-old woman, and attacked the two elderly women as soon as they opened the door.

But Popova showed courage and great presence of mind, and brought one of the robbers to his knees.

"I did what I could," Popova told Lithuanian daily Lietuvos Rytas.

'What she could' involved grabbing the thief -- who at 25 was almost one-quarter her age -- by the family jewels and squeezing as hard as she could.

"I pressed as hard as I could and he squealed like an animal," said Popova, who in her younger years worked as a washer-up in the canteen of a military hospital.

The other robber abandoned his attempt to tie up Popova's friend and rushed to help his accomplice, but was confronted by Popova's neighbours who came to find out what all the shouting was about.

Both robbers tried to escape through a window but were caught by private security guards and handed over to the police. (:/)

Late breaking pews

Lions stalk little Smart cars in English big game park

AFP

Dateline: London - Lions at a safari park in the north of England are prowling after Smart cars, in the apparent belief that the boxy little two-seat European city cars are worthy prey.



Visitors to Knowsley Safari Park, outside Liverpool, have long been able to drive their vehicles within metres (yards) of the big cats -- but those in Smart cars have discovered that the lions are paying them particular interest.

"The lions are used to seeing saloons (sedans) and family cars on a daily basis, but they had never seen a Smart before," park manager David Ross said Tuesday.

"Because of the cars' small size and unusual looks, the lions were immediately interested and went to take a closer look."

"We won't be excluding Smarts from the park but we will monitor their progress and ensure that the lions don't take anything more than a passing interest."

Knowsley Safari Park is home to a variety of exotic animals including tigers, buffalo, baboons, camels, rhinos, elephants and giraffes.

A spokesman for Smart, a Mercedes-Benz brand, said the animal attraction was "very unusual" (:/)

Japanese eating champion wins Hong Kong
contest, downs 100 buns in 12 mins

AFP

Dateline: Hong Kong - A Japanese eating champion beat five local challengers to win his first contest in Hong Kong, gulping down 100 roasted pork buns in just 12 minutes.



Takeru Kobayashi, a five-times winner of the Nathan's hotdog-eating competition in New York, tightly squeezed each of the local delicacies before stuffing them into his mouth amid a cheering crowd at the Lung of the World eating final.

Sipping water regularly to help him soften the buns, Kobayashi -- known as "The Tsunami" -- effortlessly outguzzled his challengers to win 20,000 Hong Kong dollars (2,600 US).

Runner-up Johnny Wu ate just 47 buns.

The five-foot-seven professional competitive eater, who weighs 143 pounds, displayed his abdominal muscles after his win.

In the semi-final Saturday he beat 30 challengers by downing 83 steamed dumplings in eight minutes.

Kobayashi, 27, set a world record in 2004 by gulping down 53 1/2 hotdogs in 12 minutes at Nathan's. He won another world record the same year by eating 69 hamburgers in eight minutes at Krystal Square Off in Tennessee. (:/)

And finally

Wanted: women to live the high life with
lovelorn lads of Alston - must like solitude

The Grauniad

Alston is justly proud of its claim to be the highest market town in England. The capital of the north Pennines, surrounded by fells and moors in an area of outstanding natural beauty and 20 miles from any other town, stands in splendid isolation.

And that's just the problem - at least it is if you are a lusty young chap in search of someone to love. High fells and beautiful high clouds are much more lovely to gaze upon when you have someone special by your side.

Now in a desperate attempt to find partners, the young bloods of Alston (pop: just over 1,000) have launched a campaign to bring young women to the Cumbrian town they do not want to leave: they claim that there are 10 men there for every eligible local woman. The story so far echoes the plot of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, except that they haven't got round to abducting anyone yet.

The men, all in their early 20s, have founded what they have coyly called the Alston Moor Re-Generation Society and have set up a website and scattered pleading posters in towns, cities and villages across 1,400 square miles of the north.

"Are you female and single?" they ask. "Sick of putting up with boring, lazy, ugly, inconsiderate and poor men? Are you looking for some excitement in your life?

"If you answered yes to any of these questions then the town of Alston Moor is waiting for you ..."

The posters go on to advertise the spoils on offer: "The average male in Alston is single, athletic, intelligent, well-groomed, an extremely good sense of humour, owns [his] own vehicle, and in many cases owns [his] own land and property as well. Compare this to the average male from your area and you will see why you were lucky to spot this notice."

Somewhat implausibly, it also boasts of the town's "superb nightlife, which led to one travel critic describing the area as 'the Ibiza of the north'!"

The accompanying website publishes messages from four local lonelyhearts, along with their photographs. They include Vince Peart, 21, builder and student, the society's founder, who did not have a girlfriend until he started his course at Lancaster University two years ago. "That's not right for a fit young lad," he lamented.

"The census figures say the number of men and women in Alston is about equal. But when I went to the pub one weekend, I did a count and found it was 10 men to every woman.

"Last Friday, it was 17 men to one woman. And that woman had a boyfriend who was one of the strongest men in the pub, so we didn't dare even look at her, let alone say anything to her. That's how bad it is."

Jonny Edgar, 21, has signed up to the society in solidarity with his mates. This came as a bit of a surprise to the girlfriend he has had for eight months. "When she found out this morning, she didn't seem at all happy," he said.

Stu "Potsy" Ridley is a sad singleton. "It's disgraceful," he said. "I like a good laugh with the lads but I cannot understand why there are no lasses to share the laughs with.

"There are not many females about and if there are they've always got a bloke with them. I'm looking for someone with a good personality, someone who is up for a good time. But I want to stay here - I'd hate to live in the city."

Mr Ridley said a few promising emails had started to come in but women have yet to flock to the land of sheep and lead mines: one local female cynic suggested yesterday that perhaps the average woman wants more than the men of Alston can offer.

"There have been no responses as yet," admitted Mr Peart. "Hopefully, the media reports will help. I've talked to local landlords and they are thinking about having some sort of special offer on - half price drinks for ladies who want to come up and see the place."

And if the lovelorn lads do lure curious women into the bar, they could always try wooing them with chat-up lines featuring poetry and industrial archaeology.

WH Auden loved the north Pennines and his library included Machinery for Metaliferous Mines by EH Davies, Stanley Smith's Lead and Zinc Ores of Northumberland and Alston Moor and Thomas Sopwith's An Account of the Mining Districts of Alston Moor, Weardale and Teesdale. He also kept a map of Alston Moor on his wall when living in the US and said of these empty hills:

I could draw its map by heart,

showing its contours,

strata and vegetation,

name every height,

small burn and lonely shieling ...

(from Amor Loci)

Note: A shieling is a summer pasture, perhaps with a shepherd's hut: a good place for a tryst with a chap bursting with testosterone in the landscape he loves?

The Alston Moor Re-Generation website is at www.villagesincrisis.tk (:/)

Which, in fact, you can't visit - because so many people have visited it that the site has been closed while the ISP extorts them for more money... However, if you're lonely, and you don't know who to turn to, and if you can find them...

Until next time

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