Masterbate-a-thon 'comes' to SanFran, why soldiers should never go commando, the best way ever to get guests to leave, and why lawn-mowers are great

Pope doll goes on sale

Ananova

A doll in honour of the Pope has gone on sale in Germany.


/Europics

A doll in honour of the Pope has gone on sale in Germany

The 16-inch collectable version of 78-year-old Pope Benedict XVI costs £93.

It has moveable arms and legs for emulating the Pope's wave and even wears the full papal apparel.

Only 999 of the limited edition dolls will be sold by toy makers Schildkroet. (:/)

SF hosts 'Masturbate-a-thon'

The Register, byline Lester Haines

Those readers who like their Reg stories with a firm IT angle would do well to look away now. On the other hand, those readers who like their stories with a something-firm-in-in-hand angle will doubtless be delighted that US capital of libertines, degenerates and homosexualists San Fran last week hosted the city's "Masturbate-a-thon" - an event designed to celebrate all that is good and wholesome in the five-knuckle shuffle.

According to a Yahoo! report (and yes, we've asked ourselves if they haven't got anything better to do down at Yahoo! - like cracking one off - instead of wasting everyone's time with these tiresome masturbation stories), the event was organised to "help raise funds for the Center for Sex and Culture, and, according to its organizer, provide an outlet for safe sex for those who enjoy pleasuring themselves in a semi-public setting".
Click Here

Jesus. No wonder Middle America is as we speak loading its semi-automatic rifle and flicking through the Bible for the bit where it says: "Ye verily, the Lord did smite down those who indulged in the trouser-snake monosamba."

Even Center for Sex and Culture supremo, Carol Queen [sic], admitted that the topic of masturbation is for many "off limits", explaining: "Even people who are sexually frisky... might have the bias that many Americans do, that it's second-best sex, that it's something you do if you can't figure something else out."

Second-best sex? Tell that to a Linux programmer who's got a slice of pizza in one hand, his hideously empurpled member in the other and a Natalie Portman tribute website firmly plastered across Firefox...

Tasty. Back in SF, meanwhile, we are informed that: "One New York man arrived shortly after 5 p.m. seeking to break the endurance six-and-a-half hour record set at last year's event." Good effort - better even than guitar-strumming ecowarrior Sting and his reported seventy-three days shagging his wife without suffering an orgasm as a result of his Tantric sex black-belt status. Mind you, the SF wankers are allowed a five-minute break every hour, which is more than enough time to prevent a premature ejection from the competition by focussing on filling in tax returns and the mother-in-law*.

Interestingly, last year's female marathon winner, the deliciously-named Norine Dworkin, described the long-distance frottorama as "about as pleasurable as rubbing an elbow". Suggestion: stay at home and find something else to occupy six-and-a-half hours... Like watching Natalie Portman in The Phantom Menace. Now if you'll excuse me... ®
Bootnote

*We don't mean filling in the mother-in-law, obviously. That would be illegal. Satisfying, yes, but illegal nonetheless. (:/)

Angry Israeli husband burns fortune in cash on front lawn

AFP

Dateline: Jerusalem - An Israeli man angry with his wife over money matters set fire to three million shekels (680,000 dollars) on the lawn of his affluent suburban home.

After reaching the end of his tether in the marital spat, he had opened the family safe, taken out fistsful of bank notes, stuffed them in sacks and dragged them outside, said the online edition of Yediot Aharonot on Wednesday.

"In 36 years, I have seen nothing like it," one fireman was quoted as saying after four fire engines hurtled through Rehovot, near Tel Aviv, following reports of someone trying to set fire to his house.

The firemen were confronted by the banknotes smouldering on the lawn.

A police investigation is underway. (:/)

Four-legged chicken

Ananova

A Romanian farmer is hoping to make a fortune after a chicken was born with four working legs.


/Europics

Doru Grigoras said: "Think of all the extra chicken drumsticks you can get off a chicken with four legs instead of two."

He is planning to keep the black feathered chick until it grows up at his smallholding in Dambau and then breed it to produce more four-legged birds.

If the breeding is successful he will sell the chickens to a fast food chain, and if not he says the chick could still make him a fortune through advertising.

Grigoras added: "Everyone from around the region wants to come to see my chicken. Apart from its extra legs it looks perfectly healthy, although it eats a lot for such a small bird," the daily newspaper 7 Plus reported. (:/)

US barber in hot water for selling Neil Armstrong's hair

AFP

Chicago - An Ohio barber has lost his most famous customer after he sold a plastic bag filled with Neil Armstrong's hair for 3,000 dollars.

Armstrong, who was the first man to walk on the moon, used to get his hair cut about once a month at Marx Sizemore's barbershop in Lebanon, Ohio.

"He doesn't come in here anymore," Sizemore told the Cincinnati Enquirer.

Sizemore told the paper that he was approached a year ago by an agent for John Reznikoff, who is noted in the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest collection of hair from historical figures.

"First I told (the agent) I wasn't interested, but he kept at it," Sizemore told the paper. So Sizemore changed his mind and used the money to pay his bills.

"It's just picking up the trash on my floor after a haircut, anyway," he explained.

But when the famously private astronaut found out his hair had been sold, he confronted the 36-year-old barber and demanded he get it back.

When Sizemore told Armstrong that wasn't possible, the astronaut had his lawyer send the barber a letter threatening legal action if he doesn't return the hair or donate the proceeds to a charity of Armstrong's choice.

Sizemore isn't the first barber to profit from the hair of a customer. In 2002, Elvis Presley's former barber sold a mass of the King's curls for 115,120 dollars, gaining the world record for the most valuable hair clippings sold at auction.

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Reznikoff "doesn't usually look for specimens from living celebrities, because he doesn't want to encourage fans to go after their idols with scissors."

His collection includes clippings from Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Albert Einstein, Napoleon, Elvis Presley, King Charles I and author Charles Dickens. (:/)

Britain's military told to wear underpants

AFP

Dateline: London - Britain's servicemen and woman have been ordered to remember to put underwear on when getting measured for new uniforms to avoid embarrassing their tailors.

A notice was issued to members of the army, navy and airforce in January after tailors complained about military personnel turning up to be fitted for their parade uniforms without wearing any underpants, a Ministry of Defence spokesman said Monday.

"Some of the contractors complained about the embarrassment that causes, not surprisingly, so instructions were issued to all three services just reminding personnel to dress appropriately and modestly," the spokesman told AFP.

"Since this note was issued in January 2005, we are not aware of any further complaints," he said.

The instruction applied to both male and female members of the military, said the spokesman, noting that the tailors also likely comprised both sexes.

The comments came after The Sun tabloid, Britain's best-selling daily, revealed that the instructions were issued to sailors who kept on exposing themselves at measurings.

"Tailors will take the names of any person not wearing underwear," commander Douglas MacDonald was quoted by the newspaper as saying.

A senior officer was quoted as saying he did not think sailors were flashing on purpose.

"It's always been the macho thing not to wear underpants," he said.

"Most have just forgotten when they go to the tailors." (:/)

Clothing for chickens

Ananova

A range of fashion clothing for chickens has been launched by a group of designers working in Austria and Japan.


A chicken modelling the clothes /Europics

Austrian Edgar Honetschlaeger said he decided to work with the Japanese on the project because he hoped to make the chicken label clothing essential. He said "It's something that you don't really need but everyone wants to have anyway".

The idea has already taken off after the designers staged a fashion show that is now touring the world.

Several farmers have already had chicken suits with the name of their farm ordered and many advertisers have enquired about the possibility of having sponsored suits promoting everything from KFC to chicken soup.

The chicken suits come in various sizes, and had their first presentation in the Austrian pavilion of the World exhibition in Nagoya, Japan, where 20 chickens paraded a catwalk with Mozart music playing in the background.

The chicken suit collection will continue its world-wide tour with shows planned in Tokyo, Paris, Mexico City and Vienna. (:/)

Message in a Bottle Saves Sea Migrants

AP

Dateline: San Jose, Costa Rica - Eighty-eight South Americans lost at sea while trying to reach the United States were rescued after tying a message in a bottle to a passing boat's fishing line, and authorities were returning them to Ecuador, Costa Rican officials said Wednesday.



The migrants were adrift for three days after being abandoned by smugglers because their vessel was taking on water.

The migrants from Ecuador and Peru were out of food and water when they saw the long lines of a passing fishing boat and decided to write a message for help. They put the message in a bottle and tied the bottle to one of the lines.

"It was the women in the group that had the idea," Interior Ministry spokesman Nicolas Aguilar said Tuesday.

After drawing in the fishing lines, crew members of the ship Rey de Reyes found the message saying, "Help, please, help us."

The ship's captain notified authorities on the Isla de Coco national park, and they then asked the environmental group MarViva to send a boat to investigate. The group towed the migrants to the island Sunday.

On Wednesday, Costa Rican Security Minister Rogelio Ramos said an Ecuadorean ship would remove the 43 Peruvians and 45 Ecuadoreans from the Pacific Isla de Coco, where they were taken Sunday after their rescue.

According to Environment Ministry officials, the migrants said they had paid traffickers up to $3,000 for the trip from the Ecuadorean port of Montanita, and they promised to pay another $7,000 each to complete the journey to the United States. (:/)

Fire Allegedly Set to Get Guests to Leave

AP

Dateline: Geneva, Ill. - A 46-year-old man allegedly set his own home on fire in order to get two visitors to leave, police said.

Dean Craig was charged with felony arson after allegedly splashing rubbing alcohol on the floor of the two-story home in Aurora Township and using a lighter to ignite the fire around 1 a.m. Sunday, the Kane County Sheriff's office said.

When authorities arrived at Craig's home, which is owned by his mother, it was engulfed in flames, police said. Craig and his two guests were not injured.

Craig allegedly had asked two visitors to leave, but when they refused, he threatened to light his house on fire, police said.

Craig was being held Monday at the Kane County Jail on $25,000 bond. He is scheduled to appear in court on June 9. (:/)

Mugged three times in an hour

Ananova

A German man who was mugged in a night club was mugged again two more times while waiting for the police.

Reiner Hamer, 27, from Oberhausen, lost his wallet containing £120 and his mobile phone when three men attacked him in the toilet of his local night club.

He called police from outside the club using a friend's mobile, but while he waited for them to arrive he was approached by three other men, who stole his watch and cigarettes.

As he leaned back against the wall to recover, another five men approached him and again threatened him, stealing his jacket and the last of the small change.

Japan kicks off "Cool Biz" style

Reuters

Dateline: Tokyo - Persuading Japanese bureaucrats and businessmen to loosen their collars and shed their cravats may prove tough if the first day of a government "Cool Biz" campaign to save energy and fight global warming is anything to go by.

Already known for his "no necktie" diplomacy, Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi looked casual and comfy as he showed up at his office in a blue linen shirt hanging out over white slacks.

"It's so comfortable without a tie," Koizumi told reporters.

But his foreign minister began the day in a suit and tie, while the top government spokesman looked awkward and a bit shy in an open-collared shirt.

"Please excuse me for my appearance," said one Finance Ministry official as he briefed reporters on tax revenues, wearing a well-ironed blue shirt but no tie.

Male government workers and politicians who usually cling to their dark suits and ties despite soaring temperatures are being encouraged to leave off their jackets and ties between June 1 and September 30 so air conditioner thermostats can be set higher, helping to save energy and fight global warming.

The government wants local administrations and the private sector to follow its lead, hoping that doing so will boost consumption.

If 250,000 male civil servants in the central government were to buy "Cool Biz" attire, that would result in sales of around 10 billion yen (50 million pounds), and if 15 million male white-collar workers did the same, that would be worth 600 billion yen, according to a government estimate. (:/)

Plan to jail chronic drunks

AAP (Australian AP)

Chronic drunks who refuse treatment will be thrown in jail under a tough Labor plan to clean up Northern Territory streets.

NT Chief Minister Clare Martin said anti-social behaviour was unacceptable and offenders would either be forced into treatment or face jail.

"No one likes being humbugged by drunks in our streets," Ms Martin said. "Anti-social behaviour is simply unacceptable."

Police would be given power under the plan to issue prohibition orders against habitual drunks, who would face treatment or jail if they were found guilty of an offence while drunk, she said.

There are an estimated 100-200 people across the NT classified as "habitual drunks". Such people have been picked up by police more than six times in three months for alcohol-related offences.

In addition to the plan, Labor will funnel $560,000 a year into treatment services, and set up an alcohol court that will specialise in grog-related offending.

"These people are habitual drunks who are a danger to themselves, their families and the community," Ms Martin said.

The Government denies the policy is racist, despite the fact it is targeted at itinerants, who are mostly indigenous.

The Country Liberal Party (CLP) said the policy showed Labor efforts until failed.

"What we are seeing with Labor is a wake-up call that their policies have failed on the eve of an election," CLP leader Denis Burke said. (:/)

Man fearing heart attack charged with DUI

AP

Orem, Utah - A 24-year-old man fearing he was having a heart attack rushed to the hospital, hitting first a fence, then a light pole and finally a Timpanogos Regional Hospital sign on the way.

Derrick L. Sundquist was not having a heart attack Wednesday morning, but did have symptoms from taking drugs, police said.

He was cited for DUI, leaving the scene of three accidents, driving on a revoked license and having no insurance on his vehicle, said Lt. Doug Edwards of Orem's Department of Public Safety.

Utah County Jail records indicate Sundquist has been arrested 14 times since 2000 on drug, alcohol and violence-related charges. (:/)

Sport

Germany gets first mobile phone throwing championships

AFP

Dateline: Berlin - Germans will bring new meaning to the term 'long-distance call' when they compete in the country's first mobile phone throwing championships later this month.



A competitor roars after his throw during the 2004 Mobile Phone Throwing World Championship in Finland. Germans will compete in the country's first mobile phone throwing championships later this month(AFP/LEHTIKUVA/File)

At least 160 competitors are expected to take part in the contest in Bielefeld, on June 25, with the winners qualifying for the world championships in Finland in August.

The organiser of the German event, Virpi Staar, said on Thursday: "People often get annoyed with their mobile phones and want to chuck them as far as they can. Now is their chance."

The 'competition' phones must weigh between 200 and 400 grammes.

"Opinions differ on which brands and what weight is best for throwing," Staar said.

The German competitors have some way to go to beat the world record which currently stands at 82.55 metres (271 feet).

The best by a German is the 67.50 metres achieved by Nico Morawa last October. (:/)

Tyson a champion for pigeons

The Arizona Republic

He has beaten men unconscious, gone to prison for sexual assault and bitten a hunk out of a man's ear.

Now, he defends pigeons.

That's right. Mike Tyson is a closet softy, at least when it comes to his birds.

The former heavyweight boxing champion, who lives in Phoenix, stunned City Council members Wednesday by showing up unannounced at a subcommittee hearing and asking that they not impose new restrictions on the number of pigeons kept on residential property.

"I am just here for anyone that's for the pigeons. They're pretty harmless," Tyson said.

The boxer has been a pigeon aficionado since childhood and now owns 350. The new proposal would limit that to 40 birds.

It's not clear how Tyson became interested in pigeons, but an oft-told story is that he got his first taste of fighting after beating up a bully who killed one of his beloved birds.

No such fury was evident Wednesday. A deferential Tyson thanked the council for letting him speak.

"I don't understand why people would want to get rid of pigeons," he said. "They don't bother no one." (:/)

German police "free" S&M sex slave from car boot

Reuters

Dateline: Berlin - German police, alerted to a potential kidnapping, "freed" a man from a car boot only to discover the would-be victim was actually a willing sex slave, authorities said on Thursday.

Police stopped the car after a concerned caller told them he had seen a woman locking someone in the boot. However, on opening it, they were greeted by the sight of the 39-year-old man wearing nothing but a leather thong and a collar.

"It turned out they were a couple from the S&M scene. The 'mistress' was driving, with the slave in the boot," said a police spokesman in the southern town of Bayreuth.

Deciding the rear of the car was not safe for the man, officers told him to sit inside the car and sent the pair on their way. (:/)

Man moves train with right ear

Ananova

A Chinese man is able to pull a train 40 metres with his right ear.


/Lu Feng

Zhang Xinquan from Dehui city, China can pull a 24 ton train 40 metres with his right ear

39-year-old Zhang Xinquan, from Dehui city, Jilin province, put his right ear in an iron clamp device, locked with a long bolt.

Zhang pulled the 24 ton train 40 metres within 4 minutes after two failed attempts.

Zhang, a father of a 15, has a bigger right ear than left. "That's the result of years of practicing", he said. (:/)

Guests take a dip in beer pool

Ananova

An Austrian holiday resort is offering guests the chance to swim in a pool containing 42,000 pints of beer.


The beer-filled swimming pool /Europics

The Starkenber Beer Myth resort located in and around the medieval castle of Starkenberger in Austria's Tyrol region has filled seven 13ft long pools with the beer.

The management claims that beer baths heal various skin diseases.

However, some guests are said to have enjoyed drinking their favourite brew while swimming in the pools.

Manager Markus Amann, 23, said: "I would rather swim than swallow, as we serve enough of a cold, fresh tapped beer on the bars next to the pools." (:/)

And finally

Museum entices lawnmower lovers out of the shed

Reuters byline Mohammed Abbas

Dateline: Southport - Brian Radam is mad about lawnmowers -- he loves their smell, their sound, the way they look and the way they're built. And he's not the only one.

Lawnmower-lovers gather in the tiny rooms above his shop hidden away in the back streets of the genteel English seaside town of Southport, overjoyed to share their passion with others.

"There are lots of keen collectors, but they don't tell anybody about it. If you went to the pub and you said 'do you want to see the dozen lawnmowers that I've got at home?', they'd think you were nuts," Radam said.

Apparently plenty of people are "nuts" in gardening-obsessed Britain, a country with a reputation for eccentricity where pursuits such as cheese-rolling, train-spotting and bog-snorkelling barely raise an eyebrow.

"We call them closet lawnmower-collectors," said Radam , surrounded by grass-cutting implements of every size and description.

There are even races for mowing enthusiasts put on by the British Lawn Mower Racing Association. Its last meeting was at Cuckoo Fayre in Laughton and it's no surprise that Radam is a former champion.

About 5,000 visitors, from all points of the compass, come each year to his shop -- which is also what Radam claims is the world's only lawnmower museum.

"Kids drag their parents along to the museum. They're besotted with lawnmowers," said the bearded and bespectacled 54-year-old.

With the demise of car maker MG Rover, the British lawnmower collection also serves as a poignant reminder of a once-proud tradition of engineering and making great machines.

Britain's royal family and stars including Queen guitarist Brian May have donated old machines to Radam's collection, much of which he has assembled from salvaged, scrapped and unloved mowers that date back more than a century.

Other attractions include a working thumb-sized mower, a robot mower and machines put together by such venerable names in engineering as Rolls Royce and Royal Enfield.

"Every one of these would bring a smile to your face when you cut the grass," said Radam.

"They create their own sound, they have their own smell. They've been in the family for generations," he added.

And family, longevity and history are big part of why lawnmower lovers feel the way they do.

Radam's passion for lawnmowers was fired by his father, who repaired them as part of his business. He then went on to serve an apprenticeship with a lawnmower manufacturer, before going back to work in his father's shop.

One day, Radam spied an abandoned Rolls Royce machine.

"When it came to throw the scrap out, I said 'It would be a shame, it's really good engineering.' We then started restoring them one by one, and it built up from there," Radam said.

"They're so well made. We've lost virtually all our British manufacturing, and so this is keeping a bit of our heritage going," he added.

The visitors' book in the shop pays testament to the memories rekindled by the collection.

Some spotted grandfather's old machine; others were reminded of less health-conscious times by a yellowed 1950s advertisement in which a gardener proclaims: "Now I can smoke and mow!"

The future for mowing enthusiasts looks rosy.

In 1830, British lawnmower inventor Edwin Budding tested his contraption at night for fear of being labelled a lunatic, Radam said. Now Budding's direct descendant sings the musical accompaniment to Radam's "Lawnmowerworld" DVD, a documentary about garden machinery through the ages.

Radam also has plans to build the world's fastest mower.

With a target speed of 100 miles per hour (160 km/h), the partially completed machine promises to be a blur of speed and grass clippings. Previous prototypes proved unstable at about 65 miles per hour (105 km/h).

While speed may mark the industry's future, the museum inspires nostalgia for a gentler pace of life, transporting some of its visitors back to childhood and perhaps the smell of fresh-cut grass on a sunny spring morning.

"I have been to many museums, but none so exciting or interesting as this one," reads one guestbook entry.

"Must get a lawn." (:/)

Indeed. Until next time...

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