A passage to Nokia, willies all over the shop, bathtub trouble, chicken resus, Blofeld returns, and what God's Rotty won't be putting on the web

No time this week for comments -pure, unadulterated strangeness instead...

Romanian hides stolen mobe in vagina

The Register/by Lester Haines

A couple of years ago we reported on the Jamaican mobile phone thief who got herself into a bit of a sticky situation in Negril when "a cellular phone which was stolen from a female shopper was found after it rang from within another shopper's vagina".

Yup, the criminal mastermind had "tamponed" the phone but a quick call to the number and her cover was blown. Cue a humiliating public extraction of said phone by furious owner who declared: "Mi nuh wan' dat deh phone fi use again, mi would dash it weh."

Quite so. You'd think that this cautionary tale would be enough to deter even the most desperate mobe-lifter, but they obviously don't read Jamaica's Western Mirror in Romania, because light-fingered Ruxandra Gardian has been snared by the same "let's dial the number and see where she's stashed it" ploy.

Gardian was fingered by a restaurant customer who said he saw her steal the phone from another diner, FemaleFirst reports. Police quizzed the 34-year-old without success and were about to let her go when some bright spark suggested they call the mobe.

"On dialling the number they heard a sound coming from under Gardian's clothes and took her to police headquarters to be strip-searched," the report continues. You know the rest. Suffice it to say that a shaken officer Aurel Popescu commented: "I've seen a lot in my time as a policeman but never anything like this."

The phone's owner has refused to take the device back, declaring it was "damaged beyond repair and he would be filing an insurance claim". That should make entertaining reading and will doubtless reach the finals of the "Top Ten Mobile Phone Insurance Claims" awards for 2005.

In the meantime, we'd like to make a simple suggestion to would-be female mobe-snatchers who intend to make good their escape with a 3G device concealed in their reproductive tract: stick it on vibrate or turn the bloody thing off. (:/)

Dog Rejected As Cash Drawing Winner

AP

Dateline: Abbotsford, B.C. - A gasoline station owner is trying to smooth some ruffled fur over the winner of a cash drawing.

The name on the winning entry, "Mr. Jengels," turned out to be that of a dog owned by Kevin Strybos, who said he used the name of his miniature dachsund-pinscher cross to avoid telemarketers.

Gas station owner Mike Paz said the dog couldn't cash a check and refused to give the $410 to Strybos, who had claimed the winnings.

On Friday, Paz said he would give the money to the local animal shelter run by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and offered to hang a portrait of Mr. Jengels on a wall with other cash winners.

Strybos said he appreciated the donation but added, "I don't know if it really changes too much the way I feel about the whole situation." (:/)

The Japanese to long no longer for pictures to talk

AFP

Dateline: Tokyo - Lonely people longing for pictures of their loved ones to speak will now have their dream answered by raising a finger.


(AFP/Yoshikazu Tsuno)

A Tokyo day care company will next week begin marketing a "talking picture," which can play messages for up to 12 minutes by holding up a pen-shaped scanner by using invisible barcodes on the photograph.

"The pictures would be useful for those who hope to hear the voice of someone living far away," said Mayumi Fuji, a spokeswoman for the company CombiWith.

"Grandparents, for example, eager to know about their grandchildren would be delighted to hear their voice when they see the picture," Fuji said.

But it is also substantially more hassle than using a telephone.

The talking picture requires a photo shoot with the company and costs between 17,040 and 17,990 yen (160 and 169 dollars) depending on the size of the picture and type of listening device. (:/)

Man Upset With Penile Surgery Mails Bomb

AP

Dateline: Stevens, Pa. - A man allegedly unhappy with penile-enlargement surgery he underwent mailed explosives to a Chicago plastic surgeon, according to a federal grand jury indictment.

Blake R. Steidler, 24, allegedly made an explosive device that included a model-rocket engine igniter inside a jewelry box, the federal indictment said.

Steidler drove to North Bloomfield, Ohio, on Feb. 10 and mailed the box, but then drive home to Lancaster County, called 911, and turned himself in, according to the indictment.

East Cocalico Township Police, who received the 911 call, apprehended Steidler and turned him over to federal authorities, who were holding him in Philadelphia, officials said.

Authorities called police in Ohio, who recovered the box from the mail and destroyed it. Special Agent John Hageman, a spokesman for the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms office in Philadelphia, said the device "should have functioned and produced an explosion. ... There may have been shrapnel."

The federal grand jury indictment charged Steidler with using a weapon of mass destruction, sending explosives through the mail, interstate transport of an explosive, and related offenses. (:/)

Rubber Duck Removed from Dog After 5 Years

Reuters

Dateline: Stockholm - A rubber duck sat in a dog's stomach for five years before being removed by Swedish vets last week, a local newspaper said Tuesday.

The owner of the Apollo the Boxer dog assumed the toy had dissolved in his stomach over the years as it had not come out any other way, Daily paper Lanstidningen said.

But the owner, from the northern Swedish town of Ostersund, took the animal to a vet when it began vomiting and refused to drink and the toy was removed.

The duck had turned black and gone rock hard the newspaper said on its Web Site, showing a photograph of the toy. (:/)

Woman Gets Stuck in Bathtub for 5 Days

AP

Dateline: Hampton, Va. - A 75-year-old woman who lay trapped in her bathtub for five days toasted her rescue with a cola and a cigarette. Jane Fromal suffered slight dehydration even though she said she ran tap water to drink during the ordeal.

Doctors said they would keep her at the hospital for a few days to make sure her muscles were working right.

Fromal drew a bath Saturday afternoon to nurse a sore tailbone.

"I thought I'd get in the tub and soak," she said Thursday as she rested at Riverside Regional Medical Center. "I didn't know I was going to soak for five days."

She tried to lift herself up a number of times but was unable to do so. Her elbows and forearms were left raw and sore.

Fromal didn't sleep much during the five days. "How can you sleep in a bathtub?"

She finally got help when a neighbor's grandson noticed newspapers piling up in her driveway and insisted his grandmother call Fromal's family.

Shaun Foley, 21, tried banging on her doors and windows and noticed that her mailbox was stuffed.

James Mountjoy, Fromal's grandson-in-law, burst through a locked storm door. Family members found her in the bathroom off her upstairs bedroom on Wednesday evening.

After donning a warm robe, being lifted to safety and drinking a little water, Fromal didn't ask for food. She wanted one of her Parliament 100s and a Coke.

It wasn't the first time Fromal, who has a little trouble with her legs, has been stuck in the bathtub. A few weeks ago she lay in the tub all day.

Fromal's family plans to add railings and a tub chair in her bathroom. (:/)

Wrong Bath Lands Policeman in Hot Water

Reuters

Dateline: Tokyo - A Japanese policeman returning from an evening's drinking has landed in hot water after climbing into a relaxing hot bath in someone else's house.

The 21-year-old officer from Nara, western Japan, was arrested and charged with unlawful entry after being discovered late Friday night in the bath tub of a house about 50 yards from his own, police said.

"I can't believe it wasn't my bath," NHK television quoted the policeman, who was off duty on the day of the incident, as telling investigators. (:/)

Frozen sausage flies through open car window,
breaks British driver's nose

AFP

Dateline: London - A driver in Britain suffered a broken nose after a frozen sausage was thrown through an open window of his car, an ambulance official said.

The 46-year-old man was driving near his home in South Woodham Ferrers, Essex, southeast England, when the "bizarre incident" occurred, said a spokesman for the Essex Ambulance Service.

"He was driving his car when the offending item came through his open window and hit him on the nose," the spokesman said.

"He said he saw a car coming the other way and felt a searing pain in his nose. He managed to stop his car without hitting anyone else at which point passers-by came to his aid."

The driver lost a lot of blood from his broken nose but opted against going to hospital, according to the spokesman.

"I feel very sorry for him -- it must have been an incredibly lucky or unlucky shot to get the sausage through a moving car window. I have never seen or heard of anything like this before," the ambulance spokesman added.

Police said they were investigating the incident and wanted to hear from anyone with information. (:/)

'Mad Max' Fans Arrested for Recreation

AP

Dateline: San Antonio - Eleven "Mad Max" fans armed with fake machine guns were arrested after they surrounded a tanker truck while making their way to a movie marathon in a theatrical convoy.

As the group headed to San Antonio on Saturday, police received several calls from drivers who reported a "militia" surrounding a tanker truck.

Police charged nine people with obstruction of a highway and two others with possession of prohibited knives in addition to the obstruction charge.

One of the organizers, Chris Fenner, said the arrests were unfair. He said he didn't know why anyone would have confused the costumed crew recreating a scene from "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior" — set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland — with a real threat.

"I honestly don't know how that could be, because 'Road Warrior' was so over the top," he said.

The movie marathon was canceled after the arrests. (:/)

Man Saves Chicken With Mouth-to-Beak

AP

Dateline: Collbran, Colo. - First there was Mike the Headless Chicken, a rooster that survived for 18 months after having its head lopped off with an ax. Now, western Colorado has a new chicken survival story, this one involving a man who claims he saved his fowl by giving it mouth-to-beak resuscitation.

Uegene Safken says one of the chickens in his young flock had gotten into a tub of water in the yard last week and appeared to have died.

Safken said he first swung the chicken by the feet to revive it. When that failed, he continued swinging and blowing into its beak.

"Then one eye opened. I thought it was an involuntary response," Safken said. The chicken's beak opened a little wider, and Safken started yelling at it: "You're too young to die!

"Every time I'd yell at him, he'd chirp," Safken said.

Mike the Headless Chicken survived a beheading in 1945 in Fruita, Colo. Afterward, Mike could go through the motions of pecking for food, and when he tried to crow, a gurgle came out. His owner put feed and water directly into Mike's gullet with an eyedropper.

Scientists examined the chicken and theorized Mike had enough of a brain stem left to live headless. He was a popular attraction until he choked to death on a corn kernel. (:/)

Viva Las Vegas: Elvis impersonators gather for British record attempt

AFP

Dateline: London - A group of 100 "Elvii" -- Elvis Presley impersonators -- gathered in a London department store for a unique world record attempt.

Their task: singing 'Viva Las Vegas' at the same time.


AFP Photo

Britain's Selfridges department store, on Oxford Street in central London, was the venue for the bizarre gathering, and the rousing chorus was designed to get the participants into the Guinness Book of Records.

They were also competing for the chance to win a gig in Las Vegas as part of the store's Vegas-themed shopping celebrations this month.

Organisers boasted the event would include 100 "Elvii" -- ranging from a Chinese Elvis and a Jamaican Elvis to a diminutive mini Elvis and an Elvis choir. (:/)

Britain's Prince Harry fails basic computer test at army college

AFP

Dateline: London - Prince Harry, the 20-year-old younger son of heir to the British throne Prince Charles, has failed a basic computer test at Sandhurst army college.

"Although the computer test was a lot more complex than just sending e-mail, instructors were amazed that Harry failed it," an unnamed military insider was quoted as saying in the Daily Mirror newspaper Friday.

"He seemed to lack the same skills as other recruits," the source said. (:/)

Gunman Puts Car 'Out of Its Misery'

AP

Dateline:
Lauderdale-By-The-Sea, Fla. - A man with car trouble is in trouble after shooting five rounds into the hood of his Chrysler "to put my car out of its misery."

John McGivney, 64, shot his 1994 LeBaron with a .380-caliber semiautomatic, Broward County sheriff's deputies said.

When the property manager at his apartment complex asked what he was doing, McGivney said, "I'm putting my car out of its misery." He tucked his gun in a pocket and went back inside.

He was arrested Friday on a misdemeanor charge of discharging a firearm in public. He posted $100 bail Saturday.

McGivney said the car has been giving him trouble for years and had "outlived its usefulness." He called the shooting "dumb" and worries he will be evicted. But he doesn't regret it.

"I think every guy in the universe has wanted to do it," McGivney told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "It was worth every damn minute in that jail." (:/)

Some See Image of Virgin Mary at Overpass

AP

Dateline: Chicago - A steady stream of the faithful and the curious, many carrying flowers and candles, have flocked to an expressway underpass for a view of a yellow and white stain on a concrete wall that some believe is an image of the Virgin Mary.


(AP Photo)

Police have patrolled the emergency turnoff area under the Kennedy Expressway since Monday as hundreds of people have walked down to see the image and the growing memorial of flowers and candles that surround it. Beside the image is an artist's rendering of the Virgin Mary embracing Pope John Paul II in a pose some see echoed in the stain.

"We believe it's a miracle," said Elbia Tello, 42. "We have faith, and we can see her face."

Tuesday morning, women knelt with rosary beads behind a police barricade while men in work shirts stood solemnly before the image, praying. A police officer kept the crowd of about three dozen from getting too close to the traffic but didn't stop them gathering around the stain.

The stain is likely the result of salt run-off, according to the Illinois Department of Transportation. The agency does not plan to scrub it off the wall.

"We're treating this just like we treat any type of roadside memorial," said IDOT spokesman Mike Claffey. "We have no plans to clean this site."

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago had not received any requests to authenticate the image as of Monday, spokesman Jim Dwyer said.

"These things don't happen every day," Dwyer said. "Sometimes people ask us to look into it. Most of the time they don't. (The meaning) depends on the individual who sees it. To them, it's real. To them, it reaffirms their faith."

But onlooker Victor Robles, 36, said he was skeptical about the stain's Virgin Mary resemblance.

"I see just a concrete wall and an image that could happen anywhere," Robles said. "If that image helps more people feel closer to God than maybe that is a good sign."

Worldwide, people have been drawn to images believed to resemble the Virgin Mary seen on windows, fence posts and walls.

Among the best-known in the United States was an image seen in office windows in Clearwater, Fla. Within weeks, a half million people had been to the site. Glass experts believe the image was created by a chemical reaction and corrosion of the metallic elements in the glass coating, but they could not explain why it took the shape it did. The windows were broken last year. (:/)

Australian teenager goes off the rails taking trams for joyrides

AFP

Dateline: Melbourne - An Australian teenager who took a stolen tram for a joyride and picked up several passengers along the way had an obsession that got the better of him, police said.



The 15-year-old allegedly stole two trams within the space of two days from a depot in Melbourne, Australia's second biggest city.

But his second joyride Sunday night came to a grinding halt when police switched off the power about 30 kilometres (18 miles) from the depot.

Detective Senior Constable Barry Hills said it was believed the boy, who was bailed to appear in court in June, stole the tram keys three weeks ago.

Hills said if the teenager -- who was not identified -- behaved from now on, he could not see why the incident would prevent him from becoming a tram driver when he grew up.

"He's a nice lad, he's a good lad -- I think his obsession (with trams) just got the better of him," he said. (:/)

Firefighters Battle Blaze on Own Truck

AP

Dateline: Providence, R.I. - Providence firefighters spent part of Tuesday morning trying to subdue a stubborn blaze — in their own fire truck.
Engine 11 was completely burned after a fire started in the engine compartment while the truck was driving in Roger Williams Park.

The engine's crew tried fruitlessly to fight the flames with fire extinguishers. They had to call in another truck to put out the fire.

"This is unusual," Capt. Peter Celini told WPRO-AM. "I've been here a long time, and I've never seen a fire truck fully involved like that."

One firefighter twisted his ankle and was taken to a hospital, but no other injuries were reported.

There was no word Tuesday from the fire department on a possible cause. (:/)

Chinese Men Measure Up to Others Below the Belt

Reuters

Dateline: Hong Kong - Chinese men have no reason to feel inferior about the size of their penises, according to a Hong Kong study which showed local men measured up to others elsewhere in the world below the belt.

"Our conclusion is that Hong Kong people are no smaller than Western men, where their penises are concerned," said Chan Lung-wai, director of the Urology Center at the Union Hospital, who headed the study.

"There has always been the myth that westerners have bigger penises and their (sexual) ability is better."

A group of scientists in Hong Kong spent five months from October last year measuring 148 ethnic Chinese volunteers aged between 23 and 93.

The average length of their flaccid penises was 3.33 inches, which compared favorably with similar studies on other men overseas.

Germans have average lengths of about 3.4 inches, Israelis 3.27 inches, Turks 3.07 inches and Filippinos 2.89 inches. Italians were the longest at 3.54 inches, and Americans averaged 3.46 inches.

The study did not measure the penises when they were erect.

It found that a man's height bore no relation to the length of his member, but those with higher body mass indexes, or fat content, appeared to have shorter penises.

"It seems that as someone gets older and fatter, his blood vessels change, so the penile size is not static. It may be a reflection of the condition of the person's blood vessels," Chan said, adding that this could spur yet another study. (:/)

Girl allegedly poisons teacher with lemonade

AP

Dateline: Tampa - A 14-year-old girl was arrested Tuesday for allegedly poisoning her music teacher with lemonade spiked with marker board cleaner.

Betul Nettles, 34, became ill and was treated at a local hospital Friday, but suffered no other ill effects, police said. The middle school student was being held in the Hillsborough juvenile assessment center on a felony poisoning charge.

The girl told police she put the cleaner into the teacher's drink because she was angry Nettles wouldn't let her leave class to go to the restroom. Police said Nettles immediately knew something was wrong when she took a sip from the cup she had placed on top of a piano in class. advertisement

Other students allegedly told detectives the girl spiked the drink as several students were crowded around the piano.

"They were good witnesses, but they did not try to stop her nor did they try to alert the teacher, 'Hey, don't drink that," said police spokesman Joe Durkin. (:/)

Australian undertaker to offer beer-as-you-bury service

AFP

Dateline: Sydney - An Australian undertaker is reportedly offering a beer-as-you-bury service to take some of the sting out of bereavement.

The company in Melbourne is introducing a minibus -- complete with a mini-bar, coffee and a DVD player -- in which up to 12 mourners can ride with the coffin to the cemetery, The Sydney Morning Herald reported.

Managing director Martin Tobin said the concept may not suit all families.

"But for those who want to be together and travel with the deceased, particularly those with large families, it is a good option for them."

The new service could be popular with the Vietnamese, Chinese and Italian communities, Tobin said. (:/)

Man Who 'Mooned' Jury Competent for Trial

AP

Dateline: Panama City, Fla. - A defendant who bared his backside in court and told a judge "I am going to the moon" has been ruled mentally competent for trial.

Cornell Jackson, 31, tried to persuade Circuit Judge Michael Overstreet that he was crazy and not faking mental illness at a hearing Tuesday but to no avail.

"I ain't in my right mind," Jackson insisted. He also told the judge: "I am going to the moon. The spirits are gonna take me to the moon."

Jackson is facing a retrial on charges he beat his girlfriend. He was convicted of armed burglary, aggravated battery and aggravated assault at two trials and was sentenced to 33 years in prison.

He declined to attend the first trial and was removed from the second in July 2003 after shouting "cuckoo" and displaying his bottom to jurors.

The 1st District Court of Appeal in Tallahassee last year reversed the convictions because Jackson never received a formal hearing to determine his mental competency.

No new trial date has been set. (:/)

L.A. Attorney Moonlights As a Porn Star

AP

Dateline: Los Angeles - Criminal defense attorney Ronald S. Miller does more than file briefs — he also takes them off.

Miller has spent days in front of a judge and nights in front of a camera as Don Hollywood, a porn star. His wife, a former accountant, is also a porn star.

"My whole life, I've been one of those people who sees the wet paint sign and has to go up and touch it to see if it's wet," said the 56-year-old Miller. "I want to experience everything, try everything."

He has appeared in more than 90 films in the past seven years.

Miller said he tells his clients about his night job and has had no trouble balancing the careers.

Ethics expert and attorney Arthur Margolis said Miller isn't breaking any rules moonlighting as a porn actor.

"There isn't anything more unethical about that than being an actor or a novelist or somebody who sells frozen yogurt," Margolis said. "The only thing you have to be careful of, as you would in any other industry, is you don't do anything criminal or unethical in the sense of dishonesty."

Diane Curtis, a spokeswoman for the California Bar Association, declined to comment on Miller's second career but said Wednesday the bar doesn't have a policy prohibiting such activity. (:/)

Brie Fly

Computer hacking, according to the DTI:

WHO REALLY DOES IT
• Teenage computer ‘nerds’
• ‘Script Kiddies’
• Evil geniuses
• Naive or disgruntled employees
• Hacking groups
• Bored systems administrators
• Unscrupulous competitors
• Foreign Intelligence services (:/)

Evil geniuses? Are we sure?

The DTI has obviously done some research, so all that's left is to call 007... Hold on... evil geniuses...

And finally

BenedictXVI.com Owner Promises No Porn or Gambling

Reuters by Claudia Parsons

Dateline: Rome - An American who registered the Internet name BenedictXVI.com before the new Pope was chosen said on Wednesday he had not worked out what to do with it but was pretty sure it would be a sin to sell it to a pornographer.

Florida resident Rogers Cadenhead, who describes himself on his Web site as the author of several technology books, said on his site that he registered six domain names earlier this month based on names he thought the new pope might pick.

As well as Benedict XVI -- the name chosen by German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger on his election on Tuesday -- Cadenhead registered for a nominal fee ClementXV.com, InnocentXIV.com, LeoXIV.com, PaulVII.com and PiusXIII.com.

An attempt to visit BenedictXVI.com redirects the reader to Cadenhead's own Web site, on which he rejects the suggestion that he might be planning to cash in by selling the site to pornographers since they would be willing to pay most for it.

"For the love of God, people, that's not going to happen," Cadenhead said. "I will be running any plans I have for this domain by my own Catholic doctrinal enforcer, my never-miss-a-Sunday grandmother Rita."

Cadenhead said he was considering his options for the site but if the Pope's people were to approach him to discuss taking over the site he might make a few requests of the Vatican including "one of those hats" and "world peace."

"I've received an offer from a gambling site. I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea, ecclesiastically speaking," he added.

The Vatican has its own Web site at www.vatican.va and the address BenedictXVI.va does not exist, but a number of other variations of the new Pope's name have been snapped up.

Benedict16.com and benedictXVI.de are for sale -- the latter with a list price of 1,000 euros ($1,300) from a seller who is also offering pope-benedictxvi.com and similar German language names.

An ostensibly more altruistic group has registered benedictxvi.org and is promising to build a fan site with news, pictures and information about Benedict XVI.

"Would you like to help build a great dedication site to our new Pope? Please contact us," it says. (:/)

Indeed. Until next time...

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