Caesar bides the ides, amazingly dumb criminals, cops on the rocks, lavatory humour, and what the world really thinks about lady cricketers' shorts

Criminal Stupidity Special

In the tradition, and it is a great tradition, of the Book of Heroic Failures, this week TAR devotes time and space to criminals who really should have stayed at home.

But first, the shocking news that here at TAR Towers we've decided to try out a caption competition. It may not pick up, but why not, we thought. After all, there's got to be room in TAR for shots like this:


Image from Stuff.co.nz

Most amusing/revolting caption gets some form of prize. Email TAR with your caption.

Now, the obligatory weird news picture (of the week)

Cat version of Simpson's Blinky the Fish born

(Local6.com)

Dateline: Lake City, Florida -- When Teresa Morrison's cat had a litter Tuesday, she noticed something was different about one of the kittens. "I thought it had growth on its face," she said.



The kitten has two mouths, two noses and four eyes. She immediately called her veterinarian. "He said he's never seen it. Never," Morrison said. The kitten is nursing from its mother, which the vet said is a good sign.

"(She's) feeding off one mouth now; sometimes go to the other one, but he's not getting it open," Morrison said.

The vet told Morrison he didn't know if the cat has one or two brains, but having one would give the cat a better chance to survive. He said if the kitten lives 48 hours, he has a good chance of living a full life. (/)

The problem with news people is that they rarely do proper follow-ups. If we find out if the two-headed cat survives, we'll let you know.

'Waiter, there's a...'

(AP/New York Daily News)

Dateline: Cheyenne -- As if the hair in your salad wasn't bad enough, a city health inspector said there had been "several cases" of tongue rings and other facial jewelry found in the food in the city's restaurants.

It was enough to persuade the Governor's Food Safety Council to recommend banning facial jewelry for restaurant workers who prepare food — perhaps becoming the first state in the country to do so.

But despite his testimony, when contacted by The Associated Press, Jon Cecil of Cheyenne Health Department couldn't cite a single documented case of facial jewelry falling into a restaurant dish.

That's not what he said in a Jan. 25 hearing before the Food Safety Council.

"We've had several cases of old ladies finding tongue rings and rings and whatnot in their food," Cecil testified. "We actually had a lady at one of our finer restaurants in town and ... she found a tongue ring."

Cecil said he learned of the incident from the restaurant, not from the customer, so no formal complaint was ever filed. He would not release the name of the restaurant.

But [Dr. John Townes, an assistant professor of infectious diseases at Oregon Health Sciences University] said a nose ring would have to sit in a plate of food for hours before a sufficient population of bacteria built up to spread the disease. Townes said he knew of no documented cases of foodborne illness resulting from facial piercings.

"I think it would be vastly more important for them to wash their hands," he said. (/)

Ugh. But nowhere near as foul as this:

The family dentist?

(AP/New York Daily News)

Dateline: Charlotte, N.C. -- A former North Carolina dentist accused of using syringes to squirt semen into the mouths of female patients was charged Monday with multiple misdemeanor counts of assault on a female.

A Mecklenburg County grand jury indicted Dr. John Hall on seven counts of assault on a female. He was charged with assaulting six patients, including one of them twice, over an eight-month period in 2003.

Hall could not be reached for comment. In the past, he has denied the allegations, calling them "bizarre and sensational."

Assistant District Attorney David Maloney, who sought Monday's indictments against Hall, would not comment on the charges.

"We knew these indictments were coming," said defense attorney George Laughrun. "This is just the first step in the process. My client is anxious for the process to get started and get this behind him for himself and his family."

The North Carolina Board of Dental Examiners revoked Hall's license in August after six former patients testified in Raleigh that the dentist made them swallow what they now believe was his semen.

In testimony before the dental board last summer, Hall denied the allegations.

"I have never injected semen in any patient's mouth," he said. "I never would. I've got a 10-year-old daughter. That whole concept is so beyond me."

Police searched Hall's office and confiscated syringes after several employees said they were suspicious of the dentist's behavior. DNA tests on the syringes later showed they contained Hall's semen. (/)

Good lord. I'm not sure that needs any comment. So I won't. Now, to China, for the man who is surely the porn world's Geoff Capes:

Look - no hands!

(Ananova)

A Chinese man has lifted a 75kg barbell for 10 seconds - with his penis.

Zhan, from Harbin city, Helongjiang province, said the skill is a branch of Kung Fu, which is exclusive to his family.

Zhan, 55, says his father taught him the skill to help him get fit after a serious illness when he was 18.

He started training by lifting small bricks with his penis, then gradually added weights and extended duration, reports Yangtsi Evening Post.

Zhan, a director of the Hong Kong Chinese Culture Development Fund, said he had no interest in applying to the Guinness Book of Records. (/)

Sorry? I would. If I could do that, I'd want it recorded. In case it fell off later. But then, I could always get another one. Whether it'd help, though, is another matter...

Man with two penises can't get any loving

(Ananova/IOL)

Dateline: Berlin -- A German man, who persuaded doctors to give him a second penis, lost his wife after he showed her the result.

Biker Michael Gruber, 40, lost his original penis in a motorbike accident and doctors built him a second one using a mixture of skin, bone and other tissues from his own body.

The makeshift penis worked so well that he was even able to father a child with his wife Bianca, 25, and their son Etienne was born last year.

But Gruber was still not happy and asked doctors to repeat the operation and build him a better organ, to which they agreed.

However, before removing the first penis doctors said they needed to make sure the new tissue transplant was a success, and had to leave the first penis in place.

Dr Markus Kuentscher, a plastic surgeon at Berlin's Accident Hospital, said: "We left the old one attached until the new one is properly supplied with blood."

But when Gruber showed his wife his double penis, she went home, packed her bags and left.

From his hospital bed he said: "I've got two penises but no wife, but I am hoping when I get rid of one of the penises I will get her back."

His testicles are intact and will be connected to his new penis when doctors are happy the operation was a success. (/)

Indeed.

Tramp arrested for sleeping in grave

(Ananova)

A tramp has been arrested for regularly sleeping in an old grave in Holland.

The 43-year-old dug the earth out from under a gravestone and crawled inside, reports Gazet van Antwerpen.

He had also used other gravestones to make the site more sheltered.

Police had already caught the man sleeping in the graveyard at Nijmegen and given him a warning.

Officers charged him with violating tombs when they caught him again. (/)

I mean, no one's using it...

Disorganised Crime
(Part the First)

Cafeteria Owner Stops Robber With Fries

(AP)

Dateline: Amsterdam -- A Dutch cafeteria owner used piping hot french fries to fend off a gun-wielding would-be robber, police in the southern city of Helmond said Friday.

Fries, or "frites," are a national snack in Holland and Belgium, where they are deep-fried in oil and then salted and eaten with mayonnaise and chopped onions.

It was not known if the culprit, whose age was estimated at 16, was burned. He had threatened the owner and his wife with a handgun Thursday night, police said.

"He wanted money," a police report said. "But once he had hot frites coming his way, he decided he had had enough."

The fries were cooling in a pot when the owner threw them at the intruder.

Police described the youth, who is still at large, as "thin, white, and with a plump nose." (/)

And a red face, methinks. "Once he had hot frites coming his way, he decided he had had enough." Priceless.

Teacher Accused Of Smoking Marijuana With Class

(Local6.com)

Dateline: Fresno - A Fresno, teacher was arrested after police said he smoked pot in the middle of his class, and allowed the kids to join in, according to a Local 6 News report.

Police said Christopher Bochin, 22, sent two students to his car to get marijuana and a smoking pipe.

"What he did he sent two students, apparently, to his personal vehicle to retrieve his marijuana and a smoking pipe," Fresno police spokesman Gregg Sanders said. "When the two students returned, Mr. Bochim and approximately 10 students smoked the marijuana in class."

Police were called to the school after teachers and students smelled pot and a teacher discovered a text message on a student's cell phone sent from one of the kids smoking pot.

Bochin faces felony drug charges and misdemeanor counts of contributing to the delinquency of minors. Also, many of the students could be expelled. (/)

Yeah, like no one's gonna mention that, Sir. Smoke away.

Officer, where's my car?

(AFP)

A Portuguese student who removed the licence plates of his car to have them straightened returned to find police had blown up the vehicle because they feared it contained a bomb, a newspaper reports.

Police in the southern city of Evora, located 150 kilometres south-east of Lisbon, said they were called in Thursday after a local resident reported they saw a man quickly walk away from the car after removing both sets of licence plates, daily 24Horas said.

The busy parking lot was then cordoned off and police explosives experts were called in who decided to blow up the automobile, police officer Gloria Dias told the paper.

"We took adequate measures as everything indicated there was an explosive device in the car," she said.

The owner of the car, identified only as Anselmo, returned four hours later while police were still cleaning up after the operation.

"I left the car a few hours and this happens. I realise it is my fault because a car can't be left like this in a public place, it was a stupid thing to do," he said. (/)

Ouch! I thought the cops blowing up your bag was bad. McDonald's, those lovable, easy-going, entirely unlitigious lot are back in the news again -- but this time they seem to have picked on quite the wrong man...

McDonalds takes action against "McBrat"

(AFP)

Dateline: Sydney -- An Australian rugby enthusiast has vowed to fight legal action from fast food giant McDonald's objecting to his team having the word "McBrat" emblazoned on their uniforms.

Lawyer Malcolm McBratney said he personally sponsored the Brisbane Irish rugby union team, which adopted the "McBrat" tag because they could not fit his full surname on the back of their shorts.

"It was a bit of fun but the next thing McDonald's had launched legal action claiming it was impinging on their brand," McBratney told AFP.

But McBratney, who specialises in intellectual property rights, said the restaurant chain had gone too far and he was determined to stand up for what he saw as his heritage.

"They have a history of doing this all around the world and people fold a lot of the time because they're intimidated by getting legal documents from this huge corporation," he said.

"But this is what I do for a living. I don't think McDonald's have exclusive rights over the use of 'Mc', there's a lot of people with Scottish and Irish heritage who have a much better claim than they do."

McBratney said the rugby club was boycotting McDonald's, once a favourite haunt of the forward pack, and was calling on other Australians to do the same on St Patrick's Day on March 17.

A McDonald's spokeswoman said the company was prepared to allow the use of "McBrat" on the team's shorts but it objected to McBratney registering the term as a trademark.

"We've told him he can use the name on the shorts but we don't want it trademarked because it's not his full name," she said. (/)

Bloody hell. 'Yes it might well be your name, but we OWN your goddamn motherf*cking name, capish?'

Cops on the rocks

Chief Charged With DUI Twice in One Day

(AP)

Dateline: Strasburg, Virginia - A police chief was ordered held without bail Monday on charges of driving drunk twice in one day. Middletown Police Chief Roger Ashley has been held in jail since his arrest Saturday. An April 11 trial was scheduled after a court appearance Monday.

Ashley was arrested the first time in his unmarked police car and a second time, five hours later, in his personal vehicle, Strasburg Police Chief Marshall Robinson said.

Officers responded to the first arrest after Robinson's car had run into a vehicle on Route 11 in this northern Virginia community.

Robinson was arrested a second time in his personal vehicle, police said. (/)

Erm, so who's been a naughty girl then... oh I couldn't resist it.

Prostitutes complain of police voyeurs

(Ananova)

Prostitutes in a Dutch city say their business is being ruined by policemen turning up to watch them have sex with clients.

Working girls in Groningen have complained to the mayor because they say embarrassed customers are being put off.

Pprostitutes foundation De Straatmadelief said up to a dozen police cars have been parking near street sex zones so officers can watch them at work.

"Instead of focused inspections, they are coming and watching like monkeys," the foundation said in a written complaint handed to the mayor.

A spokesman for the group said. "If it is quiet in the city centre, dozens of cars come to the street sex zone to watch. But if the police are really needed when there is trouble, you don't see anyone."

The foundation wants Groningen Mayor Jacques Wallage to get police to cut down on the number of patrols to one per night instead of "up to a dozen an hour". (/)

Great stiff, I mean stuff. We're off to Turkey now, and anyone who wants to make the Christmas in Turkey joke... can stay at home.

Santa sparks row in his Turkish hometown

(Reuters)

Dateline: Ankara - A Turkish mayor has defended a decision to remove a bronze statue of his town's most famous son, Saint Nicholas, and replace it with a brightly coloured model of his modern incarnation, Santa Claus.

The move has been criticised in the Turkish press, which said it risked making Muslim Turkey -- an EU candidate -- look intolerant towards a Christian figure who, among other things, is also Russia's patron saint.

Hurriyet daily said on Monday the Russian embassy had made an official complaint, although this could not immediately be confirmed.

Saint Nicholas, a fourth century Christian bishop who lived and worked in what is now the southern Turkish town of Demre, is especially revered by Russia's Orthodox Church. A Russian artist donated the bronze statue of the saint to Demre five years ago.

Mayor Suleyman Topcu said he and the Demre council respected Saint Nicholas and had not acted out of ill will, but said the modern-day commercialised Santa Claus had wider popular appeal.

"The current statue is the best way to introduce Saint Nicholas because the whole world knows this image of him in his red clothes and hat, with his sack of presents and a bell in his hand," Topcu said in a statement faxed to Reuters.

The legend of Santa Claus, or Noel Baba in Turkish, is said to have started in Demre when Bishop Nicholas gave anonymous gifts to village girls who lacked dowries by dropping bags of coins down their chimneys, thus giving them the chance to marry. (/)

Naked neighbor tackles blaze

(Eastern Jackson County Examiner)

John Shropshire had just returned home for the evening when he saw his neighbor standing naked in his yard hold a garden hose.

The neighbor was fighting a fire in Shropshire's garage.

Shropshire, 56, lives in the 2200 block of Blue Mills Road in unicorporated Jackson County just north of U.S. 24. He returned home about 2:30 a.m., and he heard running water coming from outside.

His neighbor, 32, approached Shropshire and said his garage was on fire. The detached garage and a school bus, both behind the house, were engulfed in flames.

Shropshire called 911, and the Fort Osage Fire Fire Protection District and Central Jackson County Fire Protection District responded to the fire.

The neighbor suffered burns to his mouth and upper body. Also, a firefighter on scene was treated for a burn to his hand. (/)

Which bit of the neighbour was the fireman protecting when he burned his hand???

Norway in the news

Men get snappy in nippy Norway

(Aftenposten)

It's high season for makers of the costumes that represent different geographical districts in Norway. With the 17th of May approaching, when nearly everyone who has a bunad wears it, needles and thread are flying around the nation to get the bunad ready.


Singer Morten Harket of the rock group "a-ha" also has been known to make public appearances in his Kongsberg bunard.
Photo: Malin Aaberg / Scanpix

It takes months to make a bunad and they sell for anywhere from NOK 12,000 to NOK 50,000 (USD 2,000-9,000). It all depends on how elaborate the bunad is, and how much gold or silver jewelry goes with it.

They're used for all formal occasions, from weddings to Christmas Eve, and are designed to last a lifetime. Most are passed on to the next generation as well.

A strong Norwegian economy is likely fuelling much of the bunad rush, but makers claim more and more men are now keen on dressing up in ethnic Norwegian style.

Inger Siri Strand, for example, told newspaper Dagens Næringsliv this week that sales at her bunad production company in Molde were up 35 percent last year. "We sold for NOK 11.2 million, and the goal this year is NOK 14 million," Strand said of the company she leads, called Solhjell AS.

Solhjell sold 1,500 men's bunader last year. Strand says it's become highly fashionable for men, and that her customers are coming from all over the country.

The biggest demand is from the Oslo area and the southeast county of Østfold. "But we're also seeing that sales are increasing markedly in the southern portion of the West Coast also," she told Dagens Næringsliv. "Yes, this is looking very good." (/)

Animal magic?

Camel milk chocolates

(Ananova)

An Austrian chocolate maker has joined forces with an Arabic camel farm to create a new delicacy - camel milk chocolates.

Vienna-based Chocolatier Hochleitner took six months to develop the treats using milk from the Al Ain Camel Farm and Dairy in the UAE.

Company head Johann Georg Hochleitner said camel's milk was a good alternative to cow's milk because it was lower in fat and sweeter.

"We have combined camel's milk from the farm in Al Ain with honey from Yemen and have developed a healthy and delicious new type of chocolate," said Hochleitner.

The first samples were made in Vienna although the partners plan to build a production plant in the UAE and will invest in another 2,000 camels.

The proposed manufacturing plant is expected to come into production in June 2006, and will have a capacity of 50 tons of camel chocolate per month. (/)

That is a lot of camel. Okay, now, vegetarians... you've been warned.

China parks to curb throwing horses to the lions

(Reuters)

Dateline: Beijing -- Safari parks in China have agreed to stop feeding their lions and tigers large live animals such as horses -- at least in public.

The gory eating habits could lead visitors to believe that animals, both hunter and prey, were only human playthings, Xinhua news agency on Wednesday quoted Xie Youxin, the deputy general manager of the Wild Animal World in Chengdu, as saying.

"The bloody scene could also have implanted violent tendencies in youngsters," he said. Chengdu is the capital of southwestern Sichuan province.

Managers of 22 of 30 safari parks nationwide who signed an agreement last week said they acknowledged that wild animals had the same sense of "agony, terror and annoyance" as human beings.

Animal rights activists have criticised the state of China's zoos and the mistreatment of wild animals captured for their fur, or in the case of bears, for the healing power of their bile.

But the safari park agreement only restricts the release of large domestic animals, such as oxen and horses, during the presence of visitors, the agency said.

"Feeding when the park is not open is permitted. Parks are allowed to continue to sell small birds for visitors to feed the wild beasts." (/)

I really, really wanted pix for that. Now, remember Man Bites Dog? Snake eats own tail? They got nothing on:

Cat Shoots Owner

(AP)

Dateline: Bates Township, Michigan -- A man cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon, Michigan State Police said.

Joseph Stanton, 29, of Bates Township in Iron County, was shot in his lower torso around 6 p.m. Tuesday, the state police post in Iron River reported. He was transported to Iron County Community Hospital.

Michelle Sand, a spokeswoman at the Iron River hospital, said Stanton was treated there before being transferred to Marquette General Hospital for further treatment. But Marcie Miller, a representative of the Marquette facility, said there was no record of the hospital receiving a patient by that name.

A telephone message seeking comment was left Wednesday at Stanton's home.

State police said he was cooking at his stove when the cat knocked the loaded gun off the kitchen counter behind him. (/)

Er, now, could be just me on this but would you live in Bates Township? Here's some light (and cool) relief.

Shiver as you drink at ice bar

(AP)

Dateline: Singapore -- It's not only the drinks that are ice cold at the Eski Bar, a new nightspot in tropical Singapore. The room temperature is so cold that staff wear heavy coats and ski caps, and patrons get a 10 per cent discount if they show up in winter wear.

The bar contains a decorated, industrial strength freezer, with the mercury ranging from -2C to just above zero. The goal is to attract thirsty clientele who need a break from the round-the-clock, sweltering, Southeast Asian heat.

So far, the gimmick is working. The directors of Eski Bar, which officially opened this month near Singapore's Chinatown, plan to open another, larger outlet next month.

"It's a very clean look. They get a lot of women coming in groups," said Violet Oon, a public relations consultant to the bar project.

"It's not a traditional idea of a night place. Everything is white and ice blue. If you go inside, it's like an igloo. There's wraparound upholstery. Perhaps it's psychological, they feel cocooned from the world."

Eski Bar features a "freezer" room with glass mosaic tiles on the bar counter, an alternative to a stainless steel surface that might be sticky and painful for patrons' elbows.

There's also a "chiller" room, where the temperature is a more normal 18C, and an outdoor area for those who can't stand the cold.

The decor features ceiling and wall lights shaped like melting ice cubes, as well as a transparent plastic curtain at the entrance to keep out the heat. Beer and white spirits such as vodka are served ice cold, and one cocktail is called Sleeping Polar Bear. (/)

I want one. Do they call it that because looks all cute and cuddly but if you touch it you stand a cracking chance of being eviscerated? Just wondering.

Disorganised Crime
(Part the Second)

Man poses as his dead mom

(AP)

Dateline: Istanbul (not Constantinople) -- Police have detained a man who buried his dead mother in his basement and disguised himself as her to draw her retirement pension, a Turkish news agency reported Friday.

Tipped off by suspicious bank employees, police detained Serafettin Gencel, 47, in his home after he tried to withdraw his dead mother's pension, Anatolia news agency reported.

A bank employee had become suspicious upon hearing Gencel's male-sounding voice and notified the bank manager who told Gencel to come back in two days time for the money, Anatolia said. The manager secretly photographed him and called police who raided his home and detained him.

The photo, which was released by Anatolia, showed Gencel dressed in a woman's overcoat and wearing a headscarf and stockings and carrying a walking stick.

Gencel reportedly told police that his mother died two years ago of natural causes at the age of 68, and that he buried her body in his basement to carry on collecting her pension.

Authorities exhumed the body and were conducting a forensic study into the woman's death.

Gencel faces possible charges of fraud, suspicious death and conducting a burial without notifying authorities, Anatolia said.

Gencel, who has previous convictions for armed robbery and carrying firearms, had withdrawn the equivalent of about $7,800 Cdn since his mother's death, Anatolia said. (/)

Sounds to me like he's calmed down, frankly. Now, this guy'll never steal booze, ever again.

Man beaten, painted red

(News24.com)

Dateline: Johannesburg -- A young man accused of stealing a bottle of brandy was admitted to hospital after being beaten and red paint poured over his naked body.

Vusi Tosche, 21, said he went to Robby's Liquor Store in Hillbrow, Johanneburg on Saturday to compare prices as he wanted to buy some alcohol to take to a friend's birthday party.

Tosche said: "I was just holding a bottle of Klipdrift when a security guard approached me."

The security guard took Tosche to a storeroom at the back of the bottlestore and left him there while he went to call the owner.

"The owner came in with a bottle of cane spirit, which he forced me to drink. I was unable to drink it all, so they forced my mouth open and poured it down my throat."

Tosche said he was threatened with torture if he didn't finish the bottle.

"But I couldn't finish it. I drank half of it." He was then ordered to undress.

"The owner left the storeroom and came back with a five-litre can of wall paint. He told one of his employees to paint me," he said.

The employee poured the can of paint over Tosche.

"After painting me they beat me with a steel rod."

When City Press arrived at the police station - after the police had been called to a nearby restaurant where Tosche had fled - he was covered in a black plastic bag and his body showed evident signs of a beating.

Tosche said that after the beating he asked for his clothes but the owner chased him away.

In the charge office, Tosche told City Press: "As I ran away naked from the store, they followed and continued beating me."

The restaurant staff called the police and only when they arrived did the bottlestore owner bring his clothes.

Tosche was taken to the Hillbrow Hospital. The bottlestore owner was arrested.

Hillbrow police spokesperson Constable Mduduzi Zondo said the bottlestore owner was charged with assault with intent to do grievous bodily harm and causing public indecency. (/)

Now I was looking this up, and realised that there are lots of bottlestore robberies in SA, and the robbers often come off quite badly. Just trivia. Now, according to this, I and at least one other person I know have "control issues". Yes.

TAR wants to know: what kind of toilet user are you?

Shrink Gives The Straight Poop On Bathroom Behaviors

(Wireless Flash)

Dateline: New York – A head shrink is using his expertise to analyze a different kind of head: the bathroom.

Psychotherapist Dr. Will Miller is an expert in bathroom behavior called "loo-ology" and claims he can determine which type of personality folks are in the can.

Dr. Miller says the "King of the Throne" personality uses his bathroom time to get away from it all," while the "Bathroom Businessman" gets in and out as soon as possible.

The "Lavatory Linguist" is a bathroom multi-tasker and usually takes his cell phone in with him.

Dr. Miller also believes people who are fussy about which direction the toilet paper hangs or if they catch a person who doesn't replace the roll definitely has "control issues." (/)

Well I do have control issues, ok? Put that down.

Now, I definitely will not, ever, be doing this:

Kiss of life for dogs

(Ananova)

A course that teaches people how to perform the kiss of life on dogs has been launched in Chile.

Vet Hugo Acevedo is running first aid courses in Santiago to help dog owners treat their pets in an emergency.

Mr Acevedo told Las Ultimas Noticias: "Dogs are like humans, if they drown they need mouth to mouth which one can do directly or using a pipe: I teach both."

The courses also teach people how to treat dogs suffering from cuts, broken bones, poisoning and burns. (/)

Disorganised Crime
Part the Third

Man With 'TIPSY' Plate Faces DUI Charges

(AP)

Having a vanity plate that reads "TIPSY" may not be such a great idea after all. Josiah Johnson, 23, said his license plate might have tipped off the Clay County sheriff's deputy who pulled him over Friday after he left Coach's Sports Pub in Moorhead.

Now he faces third-degree drunken driving charges after his blood-alcohol level allegedly registered twice the legal limit.

Johnson said he bought the personalized license plate for his Jeep to describe the way it rode — then kept it as a joke when he got a Chevy Silverado because he likes to party.

"It doesn't mean I drink and drive," he said. "It just means I have a good time."

Johnson, who was slated to appear in court March 22, said he'll never drink and drive again.

"I feel really stupid," he said. (/)

Uh huh.

Man Found Napping in Car With Holdup Note

(AP)

Dateline: Quincy, Mass. -- It's never good to fall asleep on the job, but when you're a robber the consequences can be severe. Police arrived at a CVS pharmacy early Tuesday morning to find Steven Jakaitis, 42, sleeping in his idling car with a nylon stocking over his head and a cap pistol in his pocket.

By his side was a note that read: "I have a Gun DO NOT Press any Alarms or let Custermors (sic) know Empty the All the register."

A customer called police after seeing Jakaitis, who was also wearing a black wig and a scarf. On the back seat of his car, officers found a plastic bag containing 36 unused hypodermic needles. He spoke incoherently after the officers woke him, Capt. Anthony DiBona said.

He never actually went into the store, police said.

At his arraignment Tuesday, Jakaitis pleaded innocent to attempted armed robbery, possession of a hypodermic syringe and receiving a stolen car. He was ordered held on $1,000 bail and ordered to appear for a pretrial conference on April 12. (/)

Well you know, I think he is innocent, man.

This is brilliant. I'm so glad it was here in London. And by someone with such a familiar name...

Stick 'em up?

(AP)

Dateline: London -- Robert Downey had the mask and the attitude to be a successful robber. But he ruined the effect when he tried to stage a hold-up at his local bookmaker's shop — using a banana.

Noting the suspicious bend in the so-called "weapon," the clerk calmly called the police and on Wednesday, Downey was jailed for nearly seven years for attempted robbery.

Prosecutors at the trial at Southwark Crown Court in London said Downey, a drug addict, hatched his scheme to buy more crack.

Donning a mask, he headed for the bookmaker's shop, pausing only to get a banana from the greengrocer on the way.

In the bookmaker's, he pointed the fruit wrapped in a plastic bag, screaming, "I want the money or I will (expletive) shoot you."

This did not produce the desired effect: assistant Peter Humphrey calmly turned to a colleague and said: "He said he has a gun, but it might be a banana."

Downey then produced a pair of scissors, "but seeing no money was going to be handed over he ran out of the shop," said prosecutor Patrick Cahill.

When police arrived they found the 24-year-old nearby trying to pull off his over-tight balaclava. A police dog found the badly bruised banana still in its bag nearby.

Downey, of Chatham, south of London, pleaded guilty to one count of attempted robbery at William Claridges Ltd. in Tower Hamlets, east London, in November. He also admitted possessing an imitation firearm.

"You did say, although it may seem comic now but not quite so comic at the time, that in the bag was a firearm," Justice Paul Dodgson told Downey.

"As it's been pointed out by your counsel that was an attempt that met with no success. Indeed, your victims having guessed what it was, it was never going to succeed."

Downey's lawyer, Rajiv Menon, called the robbery attempt "farcical and incompetent."

"We have to face facts. It was a banana, not even a plastic gun, or something that even looked like a gun. Not only that, but neither of the bookies was scared." (/)

Laugh? I thought I'd rob a bookies.

Sex 'bomb' causes panic at German post office

(AFP)

Dateline: Berlin -- A parcel which vibrated and made strange noises caused panic in a post office in eastern Germany before it was revealed that it was an inflatable erotic doll, police said.


(AFP/File/Lluis Gene)

"The post office worker thought it could have been a dangerous object, even a bomb," a spokesman for Chemnitz police said.

The police were called and noticed that the sender's address was on the package.

When they confronted the red-faced sender of the parcel, he explained it was a lifesize doll which he had folded up to send back to the manufacturers because it had failed to have the desired effect.

"He opened the package and expertly removed the batteries," said the spokesman. "It was rather embarrassing for the sender." (/)

Expertly, removed, the batteries. That's subtle man.

Acupuncture patient left in the dark

(Ananova)

A German woman suffered a bad case of pins and needles when staff at an acupuncture clinic forgot about her and went home.

The 25-year-old woman, who has not been named, was lying on a treatment bed behind a screen with needles in her body when the lights went out.

"At first I thought the lights had been turned out to help with the relaxation, but then I heard the front door being locked and everything went silent," she told local media in Karlsruhe.

After her calls for help went unheeded, she said she had no choice but to remove the needles herself before calling emergency services.

"I now know why people are not recommended to try acupuncture at home, it hurts considerably more to take the pins out yourself," she said.

Miss Cellany Corner

Most care not about sexy soccer moms

(News24.com)

Attentive TAR readers (all three of you) may remember last week's deeply sexist suggestion that SA women cricketers should wear more, ahem, feminine clothing. Turns out, no one cares!

The SA women's soccer team has been asked to be more feminine and wear tighter tops on the field. Do you find this:
Understandable - they'll get more sponsors, it will be good for their game -- 16%
Outrageous - it's about soccer, not making them into sex objects! -- 34%
I don't really care -- 50%
(/)

I do. You did. Write to Sepp Blatter. Oh go on.

And finally

This week saw the Ides of March, which most of us probably didn't even notice. But one German man couldn't help but remember them...

New Julius Caesar always alert on Ides of March

(Reuters)

Dateline: Berlin -- Sharing a name with the most famous leader of ancient Rome is not always easy when you're a modern politician -- especially on the Ides of March, when the first Julius Caesar was assassinated.

"Let's put it this way, I'm always particularly alert on March 15 and have always come through it fine so far," said Cajus Julius Caesar, a parliamentarian with Germany's opposition Christian Democrats (CDU). "It's not a real worry."

Allowing for the alternative spelling of his forename, his name exactly matches that of his Roman predecessor Gaius Julius Caesar, who was stabbed to death by senators in Rome in 44 BC, on March 15 -- the Ides of March.

Caesar, 54, said on Tuesday that while his name has made it easy for him to stand out in politics, it does have its drawbacks -- especially when people refuse to believe it's genuine.

One member of his party could only respond with sarcasm when the politician first tried to introduce himself.

"I introduced myself as Cajus Julius Caesar, and he replied 'and I'm Napoleon Bonaparte' because he didn't believe me," said Caesar, who hails from western Germany.

Another CDU lawmaker demanded to see his identification.

Caesar, a trained forester, inherited his name from his father and has passed it on to one of his sons. He can only trace his surname back to around 1700, but does not rule out a link with the conqueror of Gaul and invader of Britain.

"I can't prove that I'm related to the Roman general and dictator, but I don't want to rule it out either," he said.

He is also used to meeting incredulity when trying to make reservations or sign contracts -- though he has found ways to turn this to his advantage.

"I've won a few bets with people about my name," he said. "But only for the odd round of drinks or a meal of course."

Despite his namesake's grisly death -- murdered by nobles claiming they were saving the Roman Republic from his dictatorial ambitions -- Caesar says he has no designs upon the highest office and does not expect to die with a dagger in his back.

But this doesn't stop him from wondering.

"If we assume Caesar was 56 when he died, that means I'm only two years away ... perhaps the danger's not over yet!" he said with a laugh. "I'll need to stay alert." (/)

Indeed! Until next time...

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