Gay penguins, cops on speed, death by sherry, strange noises under the judge's bench, and proof, it proof were needed, that men can't tell the truth
Before we have this week's selection, it behoves me (no, really it does) to point out that TAR had the penguin story before the Grauniad (15/2), and the Metro, which noticed it in the Grauniad. Then the world went penguin-mad. Latest news from the German Pink Penguin Palace (das Rosa Deutsches Pinguin Schloß) is that they're not going to get the girls forced on them after all, as that'd be read as saying that homosexuality, even in smelly flightless birds, is unnatural and needs to be 'cured'. This mind-boggling set of events can only get better. Either way, the penguins have won a landmark victory over prejudice and oppression, and have probably even got extra fish for the zoo's publicity boost.
So, in that vein:
Organisers of next month's Sydney Mardi Gras are to honour Little Britain's Daffyd Thomas. The group of gay and lesbians plan to dress up as Matt Lucas' character.
Organisers are planning a surprise Daffyd routine with several dozen members of Sydney's gay and lesbian community expected to dress as the "only gay in the village" in Daffyd's trademark tiny black shorts, red tank top, black boots and short neck chain for the Mardi Gras held on March 5.
The BBC show with Lucas and David Walliams is growing in popularity Down Under. (/)
Surely only really making it in here because of the 'growing in popularity down under' line… Speaking of which:
TYING A KNOT IN IT
A Romanian man ended up in hospital after he tied string around his penis to avoid going to the toilet.
Vasile Barbulescu now faces months of complicated surgery to correct the damage caused, according to local press. He was taken to hospital in Galati in southeast Romania where he admitted wrapping string around his penis to put off going to the toilet until he got home.
Doctors have said they are unsure whether they can repair the damage, and say he faces repeated surgery.
Dr Alexandru Iurea who treated the man, said: "He told us he had tied it round really tight. When we finally got it off we saw his penis had massive injuries." (/)
Granted, that's stupid. But even he wouldn't do it twice…
A Romanian man jailed four years ago for burgling a wealthy neighbour's flat was caught by the same policeman, {while} robbing the same property, hours after he was released from jail.
Local police said Ionel Raileanu, 28, now faces a 15-year wait before he is released again if he wants to make it third time lucky.
They said once he walked free from the jail after serving his four-year sentence handed out in 2001, he made straight for the same flat in Galati in southeast Romania to repeat the burglary.
Local media said neighbours raised the alarm and the same police officer from the local station turned out. He spotted Raileanu coming out of the house "with his hands full" after stealing a computer, jewellery and money.
The spokesman added: "They recognised him straight away, it was a real feeling of deja vu." (/)
MAN CAN BLOW UP BALLOON
A Chinese man can blow up balloons and blow out candles with his ears.
Wei Mingtang, 55, a factory worker from Guilin city, Guangxi province, discovered his ears leaked air over 30 years ago reports Nanguo Morning News.
He then came up with the idea of using them to inflate balloons with the aid of a pipe.
On a recent city Spring Festival Party, Wei also blew out 20 candles in a line within 20 seconds using a hose leading out from his ears reports the paper.
A friend of my Dad's used to pull a party trick where it looked like he could blow smoke out of his ear. I was very impressed. Someone in the years since has said that they're tired of blowing smoke up people's a*ses, but I don't think that's the same thing.
A nightclub has installed beer taps at tables so drinkers can pour their own pint. Customers at the Fantasy Palace in Bournemouth can pour themselves half-pints of Stella Artois at a time.
The bill is automatically totted up to be paid at the end of the night reports The Sun. Manager Linda Jordan said: "Our customers can drink as much beer as they want without leaving their seats." (/)
No, love, that's as much beer as they *can*. And chances are they won't be *able* to leave their seats. Fantasy Palace??!?!
A musical condom has been invented that gets louder as the sex gets more passionate.
Different sexual positions determine what tune is played by the condom reports The Sun.
The contraceptive has tiny sensors connected to a mini electronic device that produces the sounds.
Ukrainian inventor Dr Grigoriy Chausovskiy said: "There is no danger of being electrocuted."
They will cost 20 per cent more than normal condoms. "But people will pay for the extra stimulation," he added. (/)
Some people will pay for any stimulation at all, in fact. Speaking of which, here's wondering whether they can make a musical condom for smelly, flightless birds…
A German zoo has scrapped plans to break up homosexual penguin couples following protests from gay rights groups.
The Bremerhaven Zoo had earlier flown in four female Humboldt penguins in an attempt to encourage three couples, discovered to be all male, to reproduce.
The zoo originally defended the experiment, claiming that the birds were an endangered species, but following protests from gay rights groups director Heike Kueck has said that the zoo is abandoning the plan.
She said: "Everyone can live here as they please."
Kueck said that it was neither her intention nor possible to separate the gay couples by force and interest them in their new female companions.
She added that the penguins had shown little interest in their new female companions but said that the programme could have been started too late in the year.
Gay groups had earlier protested against "the organised and forced harassment through female seductresses" in an open letter to Bremerhaven's Mayor, Joerg Schulz. (/)
Don't you love the idea of female penguins in bright red lippy? Now, Could there be anything more frightening than – Fat Fillipino Cops On Crack? Thought not…
NEW CRACKDOWN ON
Overweight policemen in the Philippines have been ordered to take an anti-obesity drug to help the force slim down.
The latest crackdown comes five years after a former police chief ordered all policemen to keep waistlines to a maximum 34 inches.
Hundreds of officers then went on a diet and exercise regime out of fear of losing their jobs, but most later regained bulges after reverting to their old ways.
PNP chief Director General Edgar Aglipay has now signed an agreement with Abbott Laboratories to supply an appetite-suppressant to obese officers for three months. (/)
A gentleman mugger has been jailed despite his elderly victim's pleas for him to be let off because he was so polite.
The pensioner told the court in Salzburg, Austria, that she had not come across such a well mannered criminal for a long time. The man grabbed the old woman's bag and ran off but returned when he noticed she had fallen to the ground.
"When he saw me fall, he came back. Criminals just don't do that any more," she said. (/)
Wasn't I saying last week how nice the Austrians are? Or was it that story of the old lady who turned to bank robbery… OK, picture story. Remember the word Allah found in an aubergine? Well see what you make of the:
A couple were stunned to find the mirror image of their beloved pet dog - embedded in a log.
Terry Wright and wife Joan were amazed to see a colour vision of their beloved labrador Bess, who died three years ago, set into the grain of a poplar tree.
Terry, a retired carpenter, said: "I'd already thrown it into the log basket when my wife just looked at it and said our Bess had come back.
"I asked if she'd been drinking whisky, but when I looked at the log I was amazed. I have been handling wood all my life but I have never seen anything like it before."
Since losing 13-year-old Bess the couple felt unable to have another dog because they felt her loss so much.
Terry said: "I've been offered money for the log but no amount will persuade me to part with it.
"Bess has come back to us in the most amazing way and this time she's staying right by our side forever." (/)
Doo-weep!
POLICE ARREST BANK ROBBER
Police in Nassau and Suffolk counties say they were able to tie at least 13 bank robberies to the same man because of the spelling errors in his hold-up notes.
Nassau County Police said Bart Thomas' hold-up notes misspelled the word "robbery", which he spelled "robri", and the word "quick", which he spelled "kwik." (/)
Who can blame him? You should read that copy *I* have to sub.
A woman who has been indicted on a charge of negligent homicide denies that she provided the alcohol that led to her husband's death from a sherry enema.
Tammy Jean Warner said Wednesday that her husband, Michael Warner, 58, not only had a longtime alcohol problem but had been addicted to enemas since he was a child. She said that he gave himself the enema that led to his death May 21.
"There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no way," the Lake Jackson woman said during an interview at her attorney's office.
Investigators said medical problems kept him from ingesting alcohol by drinking it, but his widow said he would drink as well.
"If he had died through consuming too much alcohol through a wine glass, we wouldn't be here," said Warner's attorney, Jyll Rekoff. (/)
Really. Doesn't. Need. Any comment at all.
Police in a town in Montenegro have had dozens of complaints about naked men taking late-night walks in temperatures as low as minus 15C.
Police in Berane say the men were fully naked and appear to emerge only at night - usually in pairs.
Officers say they have no idea who the nudists are and have increased patrols in the area to try and catch them.
Local media speculated the men could be walking naked either after losing a drunken bet or for health reasons.
Many experts believe it is good for the health to spend time in the frozen snow, especially after a hot sauna. (/)
Now, I know what's going on here, and I've written to the Berane police. Strangely, they haven't replied. So I'll tell you instead. Naked guys, in pairs, wandering around outside in -15C temps. They think they're penguins. Simple.
A street entertainer has been arrested for pretending to be a Formula 1 car.
David Honan,32, made members of the public laugh by running around wearing a red Ferrari uniform and holding a steering wheel.
But he was arrested in York for causing an obstruction under the Highways Act, reports The Sun.
After being searched and held for over two hours he accepted an official caution rather than facing a possible £1,000 fine in court.
David said: "It's absolutely ridiculous. I now have a criminal record over something absurd. What's the world coming to if you can get arrested in a shopping precinct for pretending to be a car?"
Police said he was arrested because it was feared he might cause an accident. (/)
QPR mascot Jude the Cat is enlisting the help of his furry friends after being 'sent off' against Preston.
The 7ft tall feline was apparently ordered from the touchline at the weekend because officials were confusing him with the players.
Jude, who has been a fixture at Loftus Road for the last six years is perplexed by the decison and warns of a mascot boycott if he receives a ban.
"I'm very upset. Nothing like this has ever happened before," he whined. "How can I be mistaken for a player? I'm a 7ft black cat!
"And if that's not bad enough, I've been told my smoked salmon and cream might be taken away. I'll be back on Kit-e-Kat and semi-skimmed milk.
"We're playing Wolves next week and their mascot, Wolfie, wants to know whether I'll be there or not. He's said if I'm banned he'll stay away - he'll go on strike." (/)
A serial conman tried to get out of a forgery sentence - by giving fake letters to a judge.
Ramesh Rajan, 32, was due to be sentenceed last October for falsifying mortgage documents. He gave the judge two letters of praise from a security officer at Brixton Prison where he was being held on remand.
But Judge Geoffrey Rivlin, who presided over the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire fraud trial, was not fooled. He jailed Rajan, of Harrow, for three years for the original forgery charges.
The recorder Michael Sayers, jailing Rajan for a further nine months, said: "Of all the judges I would attempt to hoodwink, Judge Rivlin is the last one I would have chosen." (/)
Now, one *is* left wondering whom he might have chosen, then. But I've got an answer for you - Judge Donald Thompson:
BANGIN' YER GAVEL?
Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff. During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted that some jurors thought he was playing a hand-held video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench.
The explanation, investigators say, is even stranger than some imagined: The judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials.
Criminal charges against Thompson brought an embarrassing end to a solid career {and} could also lead to a wave of appeals from defendants claiming that the judge was not paying attention while presiding over their cases.
The trials during which he allegedly used the pump included murder cases as well as a libel suit.
Police built a case against the judge after an officer testified during a 2003 murder trial. From the witness stand, the officer saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson's robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk. Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson's robes and the chair from behind the bench, and found semen, according to court records.
A former state legislator and a judge with more than 20 years on the bench in Creek County in eastern Oklahoma, Thompson was well-liked in the community {…} But those who know him said he had become withdrawn in the past few years. (/)
Ho ho ho! Withdrawn! Oh the humanity…
Some funny stuff this week that wasn't in the news sections:
(E-cyclopedia in BBC.co.uk's Magazine Monitor)
PEBKAC ERROR - computer troubles defined by IT support as "Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair", ie user error - (submitted by Mark McBride, Wirral, to Syntax Error, 9 February).
Alternatively ERROR 17 - "the problem is 17 inches from the screen (submitted by Mac Wizard, Amsterdam)
STAINED-GLASS CEILING - what women priests in the Church of England say they encounter by not being considered for higher positions in the church
Some cracking Valentine's Day Text mickeytakes:
Does my ickle cuddy-bear not understand the words "Restraining order"?
Kat, UK
You can tell everybody, this is your song. It may be quite simple but then, so are you.
Dave Godfrey, Swindon
What inspired this amourous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Debora Marsh, Milton Keynes
The Grauniad wins best short headline:
And manages another bright bunch of corrections:
"The Antarctic ice shelf we named as Ronnie is actually Ronne or, more formally, the Ronne-Filchner ice shelf (How's that for a ski break? G2, page 12, February 3).
Homophone corner: " ... ministers underestimated the risks of yolking the pound to the German mark" (Tories cry foul over secret papers, page 1, February 10, early editions only)."
MALE FLIES AND MALE MONKEYS
In articles in recent issues of Current Biology, researchers separately studying the dance fly and the rhesus macaque monkey concluded that boys will always be boys.
The male dance fly was found by a team from the University of Western Australia to sometimes present a female with worthless tokens for the opportunity to mate with her, but by the time she discovered their worth, he had already hit and run.
And a team from Duke University found that the male monkey will forgo his own rewards (juice, in this case) in exchange for being permitted to view pictures of female monkeys' bottoms. [Discovery-Animal Planet, 1-11-05] [LiveScience.com, 1-28-05] (/)
Indeed. Like we needed telling. Until next time…
-------------------------------------------------------------
Do you like TAR? You can get it direct and on publication day by emailing:
So, in that vein:
SYDNEY'S MARDI GRAS TO HONOUR LITTLE BRITAIN'S DAFFYD
(Ananova)
Organisers of next month's Sydney Mardi Gras are to honour Little Britain's Daffyd Thomas. The group of gay and lesbians plan to dress up as Matt Lucas' character.
Organisers are planning a surprise Daffyd routine with several dozen members of Sydney's gay and lesbian community expected to dress as the "only gay in the village" in Daffyd's trademark tiny black shorts, red tank top, black boots and short neck chain for the Mardi Gras held on March 5.
The BBC show with Lucas and David Walliams is growing in popularity Down Under. (/)
Surely only really making it in here because of the 'growing in popularity down under' line… Speaking of which:
TYING A KNOT IN IT
GOES A LITTLE TOO FAR
(Ananova)
A Romanian man ended up in hospital after he tied string around his penis to avoid going to the toilet.
Vasile Barbulescu now faces months of complicated surgery to correct the damage caused, according to local press. He was taken to hospital in Galati in southeast Romania where he admitted wrapping string around his penis to put off going to the toilet until he got home.
Doctors have said they are unsure whether they can repair the damage, and say he faces repeated surgery.
Dr Alexandru Iurea who treated the man, said: "He told us he had tied it round really tight. When we finally got it off we saw his penis had massive injuries." (/)
Granted, that's stupid. But even he wouldn't do it twice…
POLICEMAN'S DEJA VU ARREST
(Ananova)
A Romanian man jailed four years ago for burgling a wealthy neighbour's flat was caught by the same policeman, {while} robbing the same property, hours after he was released from jail.
Local police said Ionel Raileanu, 28, now faces a 15-year wait before he is released again if he wants to make it third time lucky.
They said once he walked free from the jail after serving his four-year sentence handed out in 2001, he made straight for the same flat in Galati in southeast Romania to repeat the burglary.
Local media said neighbours raised the alarm and the same police officer from the local station turned out. He spotted Raileanu coming out of the house "with his hands full" after stealing a computer, jewellery and money.
The spokesman added: "They recognised him straight away, it was a real feeling of deja vu." (/)
MAN CAN BLOW UP BALLOON
USING HIS EARS
(Ananova)
A Chinese man can blow up balloons and blow out candles with his ears.
Wei Mingtang, 55, a factory worker from Guilin city, Guangxi province, discovered his ears leaked air over 30 years ago reports Nanguo Morning News.
He then came up with the idea of using them to inflate balloons with the aid of a pipe.
On a recent city Spring Festival Party, Wei also blew out 20 candles in a line within 20 seconds using a hose leading out from his ears reports the paper.
A friend of my Dad's used to pull a party trick where it looked like he could blow smoke out of his ear. I was very impressed. Someone in the years since has said that they're tired of blowing smoke up people's a*ses, but I don't think that's the same thing.
PULL YOUR OWN PINT
(Ananova/Sun)
A nightclub has installed beer taps at tables so drinkers can pour their own pint. Customers at the Fantasy Palace in Bournemouth can pour themselves half-pints of Stella Artois at a time.
The bill is automatically totted up to be paid at the end of the night reports The Sun. Manager Linda Jordan said: "Our customers can drink as much beer as they want without leaving their seats." (/)
No, love, that's as much beer as they *can*. And chances are they won't be *able* to leave their seats. Fantasy Palace??!?!
CONDOM PLAYS TUNES
(Ananova/Sun)
A musical condom has been invented that gets louder as the sex gets more passionate.
Different sexual positions determine what tune is played by the condom reports The Sun.
The contraceptive has tiny sensors connected to a mini electronic device that produces the sounds.
Ukrainian inventor Dr Grigoriy Chausovskiy said: "There is no danger of being electrocuted."
They will cost 20 per cent more than normal condoms. "But people will pay for the extra stimulation," he added. (/)
Some people will pay for any stimulation at all, in fact. Speaking of which, here's wondering whether they can make a musical condom for smelly, flightless birds…
PENGUINS CAN STAY GAY
(Ananova)
A German zoo has scrapped plans to break up homosexual penguin couples following protests from gay rights groups.
The Bremerhaven Zoo had earlier flown in four female Humboldt penguins in an attempt to encourage three couples, discovered to be all male, to reproduce.
The zoo originally defended the experiment, claiming that the birds were an endangered species, but following protests from gay rights groups director Heike Kueck has said that the zoo is abandoning the plan.
She said: "Everyone can live here as they please."
Kueck said that it was neither her intention nor possible to separate the gay couples by force and interest them in their new female companions.
She added that the penguins had shown little interest in their new female companions but said that the programme could have been started too late in the year.
Gay groups had earlier protested against "the organised and forced harassment through female seductresses" in an open letter to Bremerhaven's Mayor, Joerg Schulz. (/)
Don't you love the idea of female penguins in bright red lippy? Now, Could there be anything more frightening than – Fat Fillipino Cops On Crack? Thought not…
NEW CRACKDOWN ON
FAT FILIPINO COPS
(Ananova)
Overweight policemen in the Philippines have been ordered to take an anti-obesity drug to help the force slim down.
The latest crackdown comes five years after a former police chief ordered all policemen to keep waistlines to a maximum 34 inches.
Hundreds of officers then went on a diet and exercise regime out of fear of losing their jobs, but most later regained bulges after reverting to their old ways.
PNP chief Director General Edgar Aglipay has now signed an agreement with Abbott Laboratories to supply an appetite-suppressant to obese officers for three months. (/)
GENTLEMAN MUGGER JAILED
(Ananova)
A gentleman mugger has been jailed despite his elderly victim's pleas for him to be let off because he was so polite.
The pensioner told the court in Salzburg, Austria, that she had not come across such a well mannered criminal for a long time. The man grabbed the old woman's bag and ran off but returned when he noticed she had fallen to the ground.
"When he saw me fall, he came back. Criminals just don't do that any more," she said. (/)
Wasn't I saying last week how nice the Austrians are? Or was it that story of the old lady who turned to bank robbery… OK, picture story. Remember the word Allah found in an aubergine? Well see what you make of the:
DOG IN A LOG!
(Ananova)
A couple were stunned to find the mirror image of their beloved pet dog - embedded in a log.
Terry Wright and wife Joan were amazed to see a colour vision of their beloved labrador Bess, who died three years ago, set into the grain of a poplar tree.
Terry, a retired carpenter, said: "I'd already thrown it into the log basket when my wife just looked at it and said our Bess had come back.
"I asked if she'd been drinking whisky, but when I looked at the log I was amazed. I have been handling wood all my life but I have never seen anything like it before."
Since losing 13-year-old Bess the couple felt unable to have another dog because they felt her loss so much.
Terry said: "I've been offered money for the log but no amount will persuade me to part with it.
"Bess has come back to us in the most amazing way and this time she's staying right by our side forever." (/)
Doo-weep!
POLICE ARREST BANK ROBBER
WHO KANT SPELL
(AP) US
Police in Nassau and Suffolk counties say they were able to tie at least 13 bank robberies to the same man because of the spelling errors in his hold-up notes.
Nassau County Police said Bart Thomas' hold-up notes misspelled the word "robbery", which he spelled "robri", and the word "quick", which he spelled "kwik." (/)
Who can blame him? You should read that copy *I* have to sub.
WIDOW DENIES GIVING HUSBAND SHERRY ENEMA
(AP) Texas
A woman who has been indicted on a charge of negligent homicide denies that she provided the alcohol that led to her husband's death from a sherry enema.
Tammy Jean Warner said Wednesday that her husband, Michael Warner, 58, not only had a longtime alcohol problem but had been addicted to enemas since he was a child. She said that he gave himself the enema that led to his death May 21.
"There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no way," the Lake Jackson woman said during an interview at her attorney's office.
Investigators said medical problems kept him from ingesting alcohol by drinking it, but his widow said he would drink as well.
"If he had died through consuming too much alcohol through a wine glass, we wouldn't be here," said Warner's attorney, Jyll Rekoff. (/)
Really. Doesn't. Need. Any comment at all.
POLICE HUNT LATENIGHT NUDISTS
(Ananova)
Police in a town in Montenegro have had dozens of complaints about naked men taking late-night walks in temperatures as low as minus 15C.
Police in Berane say the men were fully naked and appear to emerge only at night - usually in pairs.
Officers say they have no idea who the nudists are and have increased patrols in the area to try and catch them.
Local media speculated the men could be walking naked either after losing a drunken bet or for health reasons.
Many experts believe it is good for the health to spend time in the frozen snow, especially after a hot sauna. (/)
Now, I know what's going on here, and I've written to the Berane police. Strangely, they haven't replied. So I'll tell you instead. Naked guys, in pairs, wandering around outside in -15C temps. They think they're penguins. Simple.
Sport
MAN ARRESTED FOR DRIVING IMAGINARY CAR
(Ananova/Sun)
A street entertainer has been arrested for pretending to be a Formula 1 car.
David Honan,32, made members of the public laugh by running around wearing a red Ferrari uniform and holding a steering wheel.
But he was arrested in York for causing an obstruction under the Highways Act, reports The Sun.
After being searched and held for over two hours he accepted an official caution rather than facing a possible £1,000 fine in court.
David said: "It's absolutely ridiculous. I now have a criminal record over something absurd. What's the world coming to if you can get arrested in a shopping precinct for pretending to be a car?"
Police said he was arrested because it was feared he might cause an accident. (/)
FUR FLIES AS JUDE DEPARTS
(BBC - spotter J Witt)
QPR mascot Jude the Cat is enlisting the help of his furry friends after being 'sent off' against Preston.
The 7ft tall feline was apparently ordered from the touchline at the weekend because officials were confusing him with the players.
Jude, who has been a fixture at Loftus Road for the last six years is perplexed by the decison and warns of a mascot boycott if he receives a ban.
"I'm very upset. Nothing like this has ever happened before," he whined. "How can I be mistaken for a player? I'm a 7ft black cat!
"And if that's not bad enough, I've been told my smoked salmon and cream might be taken away. I'll be back on Kit-e-Kat and semi-skimmed milk.
"We're playing Wolves next week and their mascot, Wolfie, wants to know whether I'll be there or not. He's said if I'm banned he'll stay away - he'll go on strike." (/)
Court Report
WHO WANTS ANOTHER NINE MONTHS?
(Metro)
A serial conman tried to get out of a forgery sentence - by giving fake letters to a judge.
Ramesh Rajan, 32, was due to be sentenceed last October for falsifying mortgage documents. He gave the judge two letters of praise from a security officer at Brixton Prison where he was being held on remand.
But Judge Geoffrey Rivlin, who presided over the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire fraud trial, was not fooled. He jailed Rajan, of Harrow, for three years for the original forgery charges.
The recorder Michael Sayers, jailing Rajan for a further nine months, said: "Of all the judges I would attempt to hoodwink, Judge Rivlin is the last one I would have chosen." (/)
Now, one *is* left wondering whom he might have chosen, then. But I've got an answer for you - Judge Donald Thompson:
BANGIN' YER GAVEL?
JUDGE'S CAREER ENDED BY ALLEGATIONS
(AP) Oklahoma
Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff. During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted that some jurors thought he was playing a hand-held video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench.
The explanation, investigators say, is even stranger than some imagined: The judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials.
Criminal charges against Thompson brought an embarrassing end to a solid career {and} could also lead to a wave of appeals from defendants claiming that the judge was not paying attention while presiding over their cases.
The trials during which he allegedly used the pump included murder cases as well as a libel suit.
Police built a case against the judge after an officer testified during a 2003 murder trial. From the witness stand, the officer saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson's robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk. Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson's robes and the chair from behind the bench, and found semen, according to court records.
A former state legislator and a judge with more than 20 years on the bench in Creek County in eastern Oklahoma, Thompson was well-liked in the community {…} But those who know him said he had become withdrawn in the past few years. (/)
Ho ho ho! Withdrawn! Oh the humanity…
Miscellany Corner
Some funny stuff this week that wasn't in the news sections:
(E-cyclopedia in BBC.co.uk's Magazine Monitor)
PEBKAC ERROR - computer troubles defined by IT support as "Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair", ie user error - (submitted by Mark McBride, Wirral, to Syntax Error, 9 February).
Alternatively ERROR 17 - "the problem is 17 inches from the screen (submitted by Mac Wizard, Amsterdam)
STAINED-GLASS CEILING - what women priests in the Church of England say they encounter by not being considered for higher positions in the church
Some cracking Valentine's Day Text mickeytakes:
Does my ickle cuddy-bear not understand the words "Restraining order"?
Kat, UK
You can tell everybody, this is your song. It may be quite simple but then, so are you.
Dave Godfrey, Swindon
What inspired this amourous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Debora Marsh, Milton Keynes
The Grauniad wins best short headline:
Stelios to sell car insurance
And manages another bright bunch of corrections:
"The Antarctic ice shelf we named as Ronnie is actually Ronne or, more formally, the Ronne-Filchner ice shelf (How's that for a ski break? G2, page 12, February 3).
Homophone corner: " ... ministers underestimated the risks of yolking the pound to the German mark" (Tories cry foul over secret papers, page 1, February 10, early editions only)."
And finally
MALE FLIES AND MALE MONKEYS
ARE JUST DOGS
(spotted: chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird)
In articles in recent issues of Current Biology, researchers separately studying the dance fly and the rhesus macaque monkey concluded that boys will always be boys.
The male dance fly was found by a team from the University of Western Australia to sometimes present a female with worthless tokens for the opportunity to mate with her, but by the time she discovered their worth, he had already hit and run.
And a team from Duke University found that the male monkey will forgo his own rewards (juice, in this case) in exchange for being permitted to view pictures of female monkeys' bottoms. [Discovery-Animal Planet, 1-11-05] [LiveScience.com, 1-28-05] (/)
Indeed. Like we needed telling. Until next time…
-------------------------------------------------------------
Do you like TAR? You can get it direct and on publication day by emailing:
posted by Rupert White at 2:17 pm
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