Scotty fails to change laws of physics, cabbies DO play golf, tales of the Naked Tickler, how to keep the wife indoors, and more really dumb crims

Last weekend I found myself in a sunny garden in South London, seated amidst a group of people I felt happily obliged to entertain, in the only way I know. This means, of course, making some kind of spurious statement like "Cabbies play golf. Loads of cabbies play golf. That's why you can't find a cabbie in afternoon - they're all off playing golf." There was, as I recall, reference also to plumbers, and a tentative correlation between plumbers, cabbies and golf. I can't remember it exactly.

However, the scoffing at my statement that a huge number of cabbies play golf was almost too much to bear. Also linked to this was a classic Rupert moment where I mouthed off about statistics and statisticians, only to have the lady sitting next to me turn round and say "Actually, I'm a statistician." Cold sweat. Gaping mouth. Thankfully, she agreed with me.

Nonetheless, I stated I'd prove myself right and everyone else wrong. How I was going to do this I hadn't formulated at the time, but determination doesn’t need focus, it just needs doggedness and a sense of pride constantly wounded by failure. Actually that's just me.

The Office of National Statistics didn't know. "You've asked a question we don't have an answer for!" said a press officer returning my call, a gleeful timbre to his voice. "Ah," I say. "But in this report it says you do correlate employment to sport/leisure activity..."

"Ah!" says the man from the ONS. "Yes, but we just find out whether someone's employed."

"So," I say, stroking my chin, "there's no way you might be looking into this in the future?" His maniacal cackle told me everything I needed to know. Actually, the ONS staffers have really got that maniacal cackle down, now. Impressive stuff. They were just beginning to give it serious work when I was phoning them up a few years back about how many people were now officially Jedi knights...

Next stop, TheLondonTaxi.co.uk and John Paul Pace.

"After a bit of research it works out around 30% of Black cab drivers are dedicated golfers playing 3 or more times per week. About 20% watch and play once a week mainly at weekends."

Thank you, John Paul and, I think, London Taxi Media and Marketing Consultants. Thanks also to the statistician, Antoinette Carey, for confirming that half of black cab drivers do, indeed, play golf at least once a week according to those numbers.

Now all I have to do is prove that plumbers moonlight as cabbies while the cabbies play golf...

So long, Scotty

Mind you, we should have known he'd go first - he's wearing red! S'obvious!

Dateline: Los Angeles, California -- James Doohan, the burly chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise in the original "Star Trek" TV series and motion pictures who responded to the apocryphal command "Beam me up, Scotty," died early Wednesday. He was 85.

Doohan died at 5:30 a.m. (1330 GMT) at his Redmond, Washington, home with his wife of 28 years, Wende, at his side, Los Angeles agent and longtime friend Steve Stevens said. The cause of death was pneumonia and Alzheimer's disease, he said.

The Canadian-born Doohan fought in World War II and was wounded during the D-Day invasion, according to the StarTrek.com Web site. He was enjoying a busy career as a character actor when he auditioned for a role as an engineer in a new space adventure on NBC in 1966. A master of dialects from his early years in radio, he tried seven different accents.

"The producers asked me which one I preferred," Doohan recalled 30 years later. "I believed the Scot voice was the most commanding. So I told them, 'If this character is going to be an engineer, you'd better make him a Scotsman.' "

The series, which starred William Shatner as Capt. James T. Kirk and Leonard Nimoy as the enigmatic Mr. Spock, attracted an enthusiastic following of science fiction fans, especially among teenagers and children, but not enough ratings power. NBC canceled it after three seasons.

When the series ended in 1969, Doohan found himself typecast as Montgomery Scott, the canny engineer with a burr in his voice. In 1973, he complained to his dentist, who advised him: "Jimmy, you're going to be Scotty long after you're dead. If I were you, I'd go with the flow."

"I took his advice," said Doohan, "and since then everything's been just lovely." (:/)

A great man. For more on his astounding wartime exploits, and to read him slagging off William Shatner, visit CNN and check out, of course, StarTrek.com's obit .

Chicago Man Steals Squad Car To Get To Work
Caught When He Stopped To Help Someone

CBS

Dateline: Chicago - A West Side man says he needed to get to work, and he made a decision that he'll probably regret.

Now Miguel Espinosa is in jail for stealing a marked Chicago police squad car.

Detectives say the 38-year-old Espinosa noticed the squad car outside a restaurant on North Western Avenue Thursday night.

The officer had left the keys in it while he went inside to eat. So Espinosa stole it and drove to work at the Whole Food Bakery House.

The suspect stopped to help someone who flagged him down Friday morning. That's when police nabbed him.

Espinosa is in jail on $350,000 bond. (:/)

Fire Captain Uses Fire Truck to Water Lawn

AP

Dateline: Kokomo, Ind. - A city fire captain has gotten in trouble for mixing work with his home life.

Capt. Kevin Shaffer must repay the department $120 for using a fire truck to water his yard. He also was reprimanded and must pay 35 cents per gallon for the water he used, officials said.

Shaffer and other firefighters were training recently on the south end of town, after which Shaffer wanted to purge the truck's tank.

Instead of dumping the water down on the street or down a drain as is normal procedure, Shaffer put the water on his lawn in the city 50 miles north of Indianapolis, Deputy Chief Pat Donoghue said Tuesday.

"We consider that a misuse of fire department equipment," Donoghue said. "He said he didn't want to waste it. If he didn't want to waste it, he could have watered the department's lawn." (:/)

Mugged Twice in 5 Minutes

AP

Dateline: Kailua-Kona, Hawaii
A tourist from Connecticut reported he was mugged twice within five minutes while walking Alii Drive, Big Island police said.

Derrick Schull, 50, was walking south on the oceanside-street at 3:25 a.m. Wednesday when a dark-colored sport utility vehicle pulled alongside him. Three men in their 30s got out, forced Schull to give up his wallet and drove away, police said.
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Five minutes later, Schull reported that four males, including two juveniles, emerged from some bushes and demanded his wallet. When he told them he had no wallet, two of them started punching and kicking him, police said.

Schull suffered minor injuries and refused medical attention. (:/)

Just where IS Magnum P.I. when you need him?

Woman barricaded in home

TownTalk.com

An Alexandria woman couldn’t get out of her house Thursday -- because her husband nailed the windows shut and put a dead bolt on the outside of the door, city police allege.

James Anderson also canceled his wife’s cell phone service so that she couldn’t call anyone for help, the victim told officers.

A caller, who did not provide any personal information, reported the woman trapped in her house.

The Alexandria Fire Department was able to get into the house and free the victim. She told officers that her husband “locks her inside every night when he leaves for work,” police reports state. Police did not say how long it had been going on or why.

The victim went to a relative’s home.

Officers called Anderson to his 7th Street house, telling him that his house was no longer secure. The 50-year-old was taken into custody when he arrived at the house. Anderson was booked in the Rapides Parish Jail on a charge of false imprisonment. (:/)

Councillor who wanted to marry Clinton’s daughter

East Africa Standard

As Former US President Bill Clinton makes his first visit the country, one man will be hoping for a man-to-man talk with him.

Councillor Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor, who wanted to marry Chelsea Clinton (below).
Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor, a nominated councillor in Nakuru, says he has some social business with Clinton that started in 2000, but of which the former American President has no clue. He seeks the former president’s only child’s hand in marriage.

In 2000 when Chelsea, her father and mother, now Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton, visited East Africa, Chepkurgor, then a Fourth Year student at Moi University, tried to make his intention clear. He wrote to Clinton, offering himself as a suitor for Chelsea.

He offered to pay 20 head of beef cattle and 40 goats to the Clintons in accordance to African traditions. He also named as his referees, then President Moi, Maendeleo Ya Wanawake chairman Zipporah Kittony and the Chepkoilel Campus Principal, Prof Margaret Kamar. He also gave the names his two college mates, John Tanui and Joseph Siror.

He sent the letter through then Foreign Affairs minister Dr Bonaya Godana and then US Ambassador to Kenya Johnny Carson.

But, instead of the positive response he was anticipating, Chepkurgor received visitors from the National Security Intelligence Service (NSIS). His letter had sent security chiefs in a spin.

It had been intercepted by the Foreign Affairs ministry and intelligence chiefs and he was summoned to a meeting with Godana.

National Security Intelligence Service officers began background checks on him both at his Kisanana village in Mogotio and at the university. They interrogated his family, villagers, university colleagues and lecturers.

Chepkurgor says he chose Moi as a referee because he was the chancellor of the public universities and the patron of his former school, Kabarak High School. And the president was his neighbour at home.

Kittony, he said, would represent the womenfolk since she headed the country’s leading movement for women and that his MP William Morogo (Mogotio) was married to Kittony’s sister-in-law Lenah.

Prof Kamar, the wife of then Minister for Trade and Industry Nicholas Biwott, was his principal at the university. Biwott’s Keiyo South constituency neighbours his.

So why did he write to the most powerful president in the world then?

Chepkurgor says he could not circumvent the security and diplomatic red tape to meet Clinton.

"I could not even meet Johnny Carson so I wrote the letter," he says.

In the letter, Chepkurgor praised Clinton’s leadership style, the Monica Lewinsky scandal notwithstanding. He commended Hillary for standing by her husband "like an African woman" in the face of the scandal. He told Clinton to consider retiring to Africa. (:/)

Mag offers free brothel session

Ananova

A German magazine sold out in a day after offering readers vouchers for a free sex session at a brothel in Austria.

Readers of the Freizeit Magazine said they were shocked when they opened the mag to find a full page advert for a brothel in Salzburg.

Prostitution is legal in both countries and the ad promised "half an hour free sex with a lady of your choice" for anyone who cut out the coupon and brought it with them on their next visit.

Local woman Vera Hahnen, who regularly buys the lifestyle magazine to find out what's going on at the weekends, said: "I was appalled by the advert.

"The magazine is supposed to be about leisure and entertainment activities, but I don't find paying women to have sex with them particularly entertaining. The advert is indecent and sexist."

But the head of the advertising section says he does not understand what all the fuss is about.

He said the advertisement was "in no way salacious neither in content nor visually", and accused complainants of "nitpicking". (:/)

Wow. Now that's adget.

Florida Police Search for Naked Tickler

AP

Dateline: New Smyrna Beach, Fla. - Police say one man could be responsible for a string of bizarre break-ins over four years involving a naked perpetrator who sometimes tickles the feet of sleeping elderly women.

The latest break-ins happened Saturday and Sunday in two separate homes, but investigators suspect the same man is responsible for five similar, unsolved cases reported in the area since 2001.

New Smyrna Beach police ay they've been unable to catch him in part because they haven't had much evidence.

The incidents vary slightly, but most of the victims are over 60, said police Cmdr. Wade Kirby.

Usually the intruder is naked, but sometimes partially clothed, Kirby said. Sometimes he tickles the women's feet, as he allegedly did Saturday night, and sometimes he's discovered and flees before touching them, Kirby said.

Each time the man ran off after being noticed.

Kirby said police know only that the suspect is white, thin and appears young.

"There's not been a lot to go on there," he said. (:/)

Builder stole panties for work

Ananova

A German builder admitted stealing hundreds of pairs of ladies' knickers because he likes to wear them for work.

Police arrested the 23-year-old for stealing pants from neighbours' washing lines after he was trapped by one of his victims.

Ingrid Volkmann, 53, had her hubby install a motion sensor under the washing line to catch the thief.

After he was arrested, the man reportedly told police: "I like wearing women's knickers to work but was too embarrassed to buy any myself, which is why I took my neighbours." (:/)

There's a missing apostrophe in that last paragraph. Can you spot where it should be?

scitech

Giant space mirror proposed to combat global
warming Mr. Burns unavailable for comment

headline: Fark/story: Popular Science

Stationed between the Earth and sun at a point where the gravitational forces nearly cancel each other out, a 600,000-square-mile space "mirror" scatters sunlight with a mesh woven of fine metal wires. (:/)

Really cool invention brings teens awards

Salt Lake Tribune

Dateline: Bluffdale - The code name, Space Beast, was one they came up with in the wee hours of the night.

Tyler Lyon, Daniel Winegar and Chad Thornley were overtired and giddy as they tackled a science fair project. Their idea: Eliminate the use of Freon in automobile air-conditioning systems by relying on the Peltier effect - of course.


Riverton High School students Tyler Lyon, left, and Daniel Winegar won Ricoh's Sustainable Development Award for their invention. (Danny Chan La/The Salt Lake Tribune )

"We aren't planning our lives around making air conditioners," Lyon explained. "We wanted to do something to help the environment and the economy."

But what began as a Riverton High School physics class assignment nearly two years ago has morphed into an award-winning, internationally recognized invention.

Lyon and Winegar, two recent Riverton graduates - Thornley graduated in 2004 and is now on an LDS Church mission - won the first-ever Ricoh Sustainable Development Award in May when they competed against 1,400 other worldwide invitation-only entries at the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair in Phoenix.

Physics teacher Kari Lewis, who recently left Riverton High, said trusting in Lyon and Winegar was easy.

"They came up with this idea . . . and they made it work," she said. "It's a perfect solution to an incredible problem."

Today, the young inventors say, U.S. drivers use about 7.9 billion gallons of fuel each year to run their air-conditioners, which draw power from the engine. By adopting their contraption - which taps into the electrical system, using fans to blow hot air through five Peltier chips and then releasing cold air - they say the country stands to save 3.9 billion gallons of fuel annually, or about $10 billion based on current gas prices.

Furthermore, the product would free drivers from Freon - which despite improvements, remains an ozone-depleting chemical in current air-conditioners. The Peltier chips, which they purchased on eBay for $9.99 each, have a life span of 20 to 30 years and an unfaltering cooling capacity. And like every component in the Space Beast, which can be minimized in size to about 2 inches in width, the chips are recyclable. (:/)

Saving the world from Freon and overuse of petrol? Priceless.

picture story

brie fly

Ugandan legislator to reward virgin
girls with university scholarships

AFP

Dateline: Kampala - A Ugandan lawmaker said he would reward girls from his central constituency with university scholarships if they leave high school able to prove their virginity.

Sulaiman Madada, a member of parliament from Uganda's Kayunga district, said the scheme aimed to promote morality and that successful scholarship applicants would have to submit to a gynaecological exam to demonstrate their chastity.

"Our area has high incidences of early marriages and defilement," he told AFP. "I believe this bursary will make a difference. The criterion is that a student is virgin and from Kayunga district."

"This will promote morals, promote girls education and I have contacted some NGOs and well wishers to join me in this," Madada said, adding that the scheme was for girls only and that high school boys need not apply. (:/)

Christopher Lee to sing at heavy metal festival

Ananova

Octogenarian actor Christopher Lee is reportedly performing at a heavy metal festival in Germany.

The 82-year-old Lord of the Rings star is taking part in the Earthshaker Festival in Geiselwind, Bavaria.

He will sing with two bands, Manowar and Rhapsody, according to concert organisers.

Lee will be accompanied by a live orchestra and a choir and will perform alongside heavy metal bands such as Grave Digger, Dragonlord and Forces of Evil. (:/)

Fell in love with 999 operator's voice

Ananova

A German man was arrested after repeatedly dialling '999' after falling in love with the operator's voice.

Cops managed to track down Guenther Bergmann by following the line of telephone booths he used to make the calls.

Bergmann, 45, from Duesseldorf, who had been drinking, told police he couldn't help himself.

"The first time I called it was an accident, I just pressed the wrong buttons. But the operator had such a sexy voice that I lost control and had to keep ringing back. I think I'm in love with her," he said.

He now faces charges for wasting police time. (:/)

picture story

Two Hurt in ATV Accident After Funeral

AP

Dateline: Huntington, W.Va. - Two mourners who rode an all-terrain vehicle to the service for a man killed in an ATV accident were injured in a similar accident as they were leaving.

Jimmy Spry, 20, and Maggan Phillips were not wearing helmets Wednesday when Spry lost control of the ATV and hit a tree, said Clinton Burley of the Ceredo Volunteer Fire Department.

They were attending the burial service of Phillips' brother, Dustin "Duke" Phillips, 21. He died early Saturday from severe head injuries after his ATV hit a tree, said Barry Wellman of the Lavalette Volunteer Fire Department.

Spry was taken to a hospital in Huntington, which would not release his condition Thursday morning. Phillips suffered minor injuries and was not hospitalized, Burley said. (:/)

The irony of it.

Asbo orders teen to get drunk

Ananova

A teenager has been given an Asbo ordering him to get drunk in a court blunder

The error was only noticed when the 15-year-old ended up in front of magistrates again for an alleged breach of the conditions.

Magistrates heard the youngster, who cannot be named, was technically breaking the law if he was found walking the streets of a quiet market town without alcohol.

The order also required him to use threatening behaviour likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress to members of the public in Alnwick, Northumberland.

The Asbo - issued last February after a string of complaints - reads 'without' rather than 'with', reports the Daily Mirror.

An exasperated police source said: "It took a long time to bring him to book and get him before the court in the first place.

"It is maddening to spend all that time only for the order then to tell him to go out and misbehave. It really does beggar belief."

loons

Indian insurance agents jailed
for Bin Laden sales pitch

AFP

Dateline: New Delhi - Call it the really hard sell.

Five insurance agents in India have reportedly landed in jail for launching a sales promotion "jehad" that rewarded top salesmen with glasses bearing the name of
Osama bin Laden.

Officials from the ICICI Prudential insurance firm unveiled the sales ploy -- which was codenamed "Mission Jehad" -- at a meeting in the town of Kanpur on Tuesday, the Times of India newspaper reported.

Every agent able to sell 10 life insurance policies was offered a T-shirt as well as a glass tumbler etched with the Al-Qaeda mastermind's name.

"Kill 10, take a branded T-shirt and be the best terrorist in the group. Jehad begins from July 18-20 -- Osama bin Laden," the message to sales personnel said.

Police arrested five company officials who are facing sedition charges after a court ruled they had "glorified an international terrorist."

The company condemned the incident in a statement, saying it was a mistake. (:/)

Now, I've made some email errors in my time, but really.

Japanese to get thrill of slot machine at ATM

AFP

Dateline: Tokyo - Japanese people hoping their bank accounts carry a bit more cash could see their hopes come true with an ATM that doubles as a slot machine.




Ogaki Kyoritsu Bank, based in Ogaki city some 300 kilometers (185 miles) west of Tokyo, will on August 8 introduce slot games that run during the wait as cash machines process transactions.

A user who hits three straight 7s using the "stop" button on the ATM screen will get 105 yen (about 90 cents) to cancel the customary fee for using the machine outside regular hours.

The bank customer can even strike a jackpot of 1,000 yen (nine dollars) if the slot machine gives them a set of "gold" or "super gold" images, named after the accounts the bank has been offering.

To collect the prize, the winner has to come up to the bank counter.

"We want our customers to enjoy a little excitement during the waiting time when they operate an ATM," a bank spokesman said Wednesday.

"We also want people to come to our outlets as we have been offering various products and services," he said.

The slot game is not available during regular business hours when money withdrawal is free of charge.

Depositors with other banks' cards can also use the slot-game ATMs of Ogaki Kyoritsu -- but will be charged a fee of 210 yen.

The odds of winning are "good", according to the bank, being one in 10 for the 105-yen fee cancellation and one in 500 for the 1,000-yen cash prize. (:/)

'Ugliest man in the world'

Ananova

A wealthy lawyer says he must be the ugliest man in the world after having 5,000 marriage proposals turned down.


Croatian lawyer Emil Kacic who says he's had 5,000 marriage proposals rejected /Europics

Croatian lawyer, Emil Kacic, who has logged all the failures in a little black book, said: "Money can't buy you love, at least if you have a face like mine."

After placing adverts in local papers stressing his wealth with words like "tender and rich lawyer looks for a pretty lady to marry" and then "disgustingly rich lawyer looks for a pretty lady to marry", he was still unable to find a wife.

He said: "I've got to the point where I have even been asking women I am meeting in the streets to marry me, but they always say no."

Kacic, from Zagreb, said he had now accepted that he must be the ugliest man in the world.

In an interview with daily newspaper, Vecernji List, dejected Kacic said: "I've tried placing all kinds of different ads, but not a single woman I've met through my adverts has accepted my offer. What else is there to believe, other than that I must be the ugliest man in the world."

But disappointment has yet to defeat hope: "No success yet, but I will keep trying," he resolved, adding: "I hope all the publicity over my failed search for love might bring me love at last." (:/)

I should have thought of that. Sympathy votes. Damn you, Kacic.

Average British woman spends
54,000 dollars on shoes during lifetime

AFP

Dateline: London - The average woman in Britain spends more than 31,000 pounds (54,000 dollars, 45,000 euros) on shoes during her lifetime and almost 16,000 pounds on belts and other accessories.



One third of women say they have 25 pairs of shoes in their wardrobe, and around 1.3 million women claim to have well over 30 pairs, according to research carried out by the Churchill Home Insurance group.

About 44 percent of females admit that shoes are their biggest weakness when out shopping, with 86 percent of people claiming to buy at least one new pair a month, Churchill said Monday.

It said the average woman starts shopping for her own clothes at the age of 14.

If she spends an average of 40 pounds a month on shoes each month she will have bought 31,680 pounds worth of footwear by the time she is 80, it said.

At the same time, the insurance group said women spend around 15,840 pounds on accessories such as handbags and jewellery during their lifetime.

Six out of 10 women say they own 10 handbags and three percent have more than 25 different ones, while 80 percent of women have at least 10 belts.

Overall 42 percent of women admit they regularly splash out on accessories they don't really need.

Unsurprisingly, one in five women say they hide their purchases from their partner, while 22 percent lie about how much they have spent. (:/)

and finally

Dumb crim of the week. Of the month, I'm reckoning. Welcome to the Dumb Crims Hall Of Fame, Jada Coover.

After Chase, Man Ends Up in Own Courtroom

AP

Dateline: Yankton, S.D. - An Iowa man who led officers on a highway chase that ended at the Clay County Courthouse Wednesday ran inside and tried to barricade himself in the courtroom where he was scheduled to appear, authorities said.

The Clay County Sheriff's Office was asked to help find a pickup truck suspected in a hit-and-run accident on Interstate 29 in Union County.

A state Highway Patrol officer Wednesday was pursuing the vehicle on Highway 50 into Vermillion, where the man stopped the truck in the middle of the street and backed into the courthouse retaining wall, said Clay County Sheriff Andy Howe.

"It seemed to just get more and more strange," Howe told KVHT radio in Yankton Wednesday. "Typically the pursuits don't come right to us as this one did. Officers actually left the sheriff's office and the police department to go assist with the pursuit, only to find themselves right back here."

Jada Coover, of Sioux City, Iowa, had been scheduled to appear at the courthouse on charges of attempting to tamper with anhydrous ammonia, which is used to make methamphetamine.

After stopping the truck, Coover jumped out, ran into the courthouse and headed upstairs to the courtroom. The judge in his case had just dismissed the jury, and jurors were leaving the room as Coover burst in, Howe said.

Officers cleared the hallways and asked people to leave the building.

"He attempted to barricade himself in by holding the door shut, but officers were able to get in and take him into custody," Howe said.

Genius. Until next time...

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