The marriage of Rover, parping shoes, shopaholic moose, the dark side of potatoes, and how women's breasts do tell you all you need to know
So long, Hunter S
"When I woke up the next day, the first thing I wanted to do was spray "F*ck the Pope" on a boat, because when Hunter had asked, "What are you gonna write, Ralph, with your spraycans?", it was the first thing that came to mind. But we got caught shaking the spraycans noisily. Someone asked what we were up to. "Oh, just looking at the boats," said Hunter. Then he whispered: "We've got to get out of here Ralph, we must flee. We've failed. We've failed, Ralph." He set off two distress flares in the harbour and set fire to some boats to cause a distraction so we could get away, which meant going to a coffee bar and pretending we were ordinary people." (Ralph Steadman by Amy Fleming/Guardian G2) (/)
They will, I'm sure, never make them like that again.
Weird Toys of Christmas Future
(ABC news online) (pic ABC/Hasbro)
When Mr Potato Head falls to the "dark side," you get Hasbro's Darth Tater -- complete with lots of silly parts, including lightsaber and helmet. The sci-fi spud for kids and "Star Wars" fans aged 2 and up will be available this spring for about $8. (/)
Click here for more mad toys
Quotes by Isreallycool (http://www.israellycool.com/blog) - my favourites are 7 and 6. Especially 6.
Top 10 Star Wars Quotes if Darth Vader Was a Spud
10. "I sense much starch in you"
9. "Hotter...just a little hotter"
8. "You could use some salt"
7. "Now I am the tater"
6. "You are part of the rebel alliance, and a tater!"
5. "He's more spud now than man..twisted and surprisingly delicious"
4. "When 900 degrees you reach, look as good you will not. Hmm?"
3. "You're all clear kid, now let's cook this thing and go home!"
2. "I find your lack of taste disturbing"
1. "Use the fork, Luke" (/)
I want a radio-controlled Nessie. Now, you *knew* this one was going to get in:
Man bites dog
(Reuters)
A blind man has been arrested in Scotland after witnesses reported he sank his teeth into his guide dog and kicked her across the road, police have said.
The incident allegedly occurred outside a busy shopping centre in Edinburgh.
David Todd, 34, is expected to face charges of cruelty to animals and breach of the peace.
A police spokeswoman said on Thursday the eight-year-old dog had been handed over to a charity dedicated to guide dogs.
"When we took her into custody. She had no apparent injuries," she added. (/)
I've been waiting since journo training for that story. So had everyone else.
Children marry dogs
(Ananova PA)
A group of children have married dogs in a tribal ceremony in northern India.
Residents of Kuluptang in Jharkhand organised the 'kukur vivaha' or 'marriage of dogs' with local children in a bid to ward off evil.
Parents of children whose first tooth grows out of the upper jaw perform such marriages "for the peace and welfare of the entire community" because such growth is considered "inauspicious".
Sushila, whose one-year-old son Durga was one of the grooms, said: "In such cases, dog marriage is one of the ways to ward off evil." (/)
Curiously, right, marrying dogs is called... The Marriage of Dogs!
Dogs 'high' on cane toad toxin
(The Advertiser/News.com.au)
Dogs in the Northern Territory are getting "high" on cane toads.
Dogs were licking the backs of the warty pests and becoming addicted to the hallucinogenic poison, a NT vet said yesterday.
Megan Pickering, a vet in Katherine, said she had treated a number of dogs affected by the deadly toad poison.
"We have had quite a number of cases of dogs that are getting addicted to the toxin," Ms Pickering said. "There seems to be dogs that are licking the toxin to get high.
"They lick the toads and only take in a small amount of the poison - they get a smile on their face and look like they are going to wander off into the sunset."(/)
Now we're going to cut from Dogs On Drugs to Dogs With Drugs. Cunning.
Dog Busts Owner on Marijuana Charge
(AP)
The owner of J.D. the Labrador may be wishing his dog weren't such a good retriever. Matthew Porter and two friends were playing Frisbee golf in a park Monday when a police officer who thought he smelled burning marijuana began questioning them.
As the officer was checking for outstanding warrants, J.D. waded into a nearby creek and emerged with a plastic bag containing the drug.
Porter, 25, was charged with possessing drug paraphernalia. Micah Hays, 24, was charged with marijuana possession. J.D. was turned over to the third person at the park, who faces no charges.
J.D. also faces no charges, but may have a new job opportunity.
"People have been asking if we're going to recruit the dog for police work," said Grapevine police Sgt. Todd Dearing. (/)
Bloody traitor! And frisbee *GOLF*?
Wedding date in demand
(Ananova PA)
Officials in Holland say they have been inundated with requests from couples wanting to get married on May 20 because the date is an easy one for men to remember.
"Men are not very good at remembering dates but 20 05 2005 is an easy one for them, and women in particular are signing up to get married on that day as a result," said a spokeswoman for the municipal council in Almere where marriages are registered.
She added that it was also a popular date because not only did it mean men were more likely to remember their anniversary - but it also looks good on wedding invitations.
Second on the list of desirable dates was 05 05 05, but the spokeswoman said that unfortunately most councils across the country were closed for the Ascension Day holiday. The local council in Nijmegen however is making an exception, but couples wanting to marry on that day will have to pay an extra fee of £630. (/)
Ladies, we'll get to you later ok?
Wrong Chemical Makes Shoes 'Flatulent'
(AP)
There's no tiptoeing around the problem. Call it flatulent footwear. Customers complained that with every step, their shoes made the sound of someone passing gas.
"They were whoopie cushions for the feet," said Bryan Thomas, an officer with shoe maker Goosebumps Products Inc.
The Orlando-area company on Wednesday sued a supplier, accusing it of delivering the wrong chemical for an insole gel, giving the shoes an unwanted sound effect.
"It very nearly put us out of business," Thomas said.
Goosebumps' largest distributor complained as well, and the company tossed at least 35,000 pairs at a cost of $200,000 to $250,000, said attorneys Robert W. Anthony and William H. Beaver II.
The suit claims Bell Chem Corp. of Longwood delivered a low-grade glycerin that was watered down in late 2002 and early 2003. That caused air bubbles to form inside the insoles, it said.
When people step down on them, the inserts produce "a flatulence-like noise," according to a report by a Goosebumps' chemist, Richard Cavestri. Bell Chem President John Cervo said the dispute was a matter between his insurance company and Goosebumps. (/)
Goosebumps?? William H Beaver II?????
Gentleman's Club Challenges Nude Ordinance
(AP)
A city ordinance bans complete nudity at all gentleman's clubs, but one has challenged that ordinance by distributing pencils and sketch pads to patrons during "art night."
The ordinance does give nudity exclusions for artistic displays which include dance, ballet and dramatic performances, so every Monday and Tuesday, the club encourages customers to sketch the models as they perform nude routines.
"As far as the Boise city code, it specifies it has to be a serious artistic manner and this is a serious artistic manner," said Chris Teague, Erotic City owner.
The club has put on art night for two months, and Teague said he has not received any complaints. (/)
Serious. Artistic. Yeah.
Policeman bribed with McDonalds cheeseburgers
(Ananova PA/Keynoter)
A man from Florida faces charges after attempting to bribe a policeman with McDonald's cheeseburgers.
Steven T Denton, from Marathon, was originally arrested following a fight at a local pub but tried to prevent being locked up by bribing the police officer on duty reports Keynoter.com.
Deputy Mark Eastly said: "Denton told me that if I would drive him to McDonald's, he would buy me two cheeseburgers if I let him go and did not take him to jail." (/)
Now, I've used the same trick on cabbies and they don't like it either.
New Zealand Man Arrives Naked to Court
(AP)
An environmental protester facing indecent exposure charges arrived at Auckland's District Court naked - but dressed before he entered the courtroom Thursday.
Computer technician Simon Oosterman, 24, was charged during the Auckland Naked Bike Ride last Sunday, an event he organized to protest society's dependence on the car.
When Oosterman was stopped by police during the naked bike ride, other protest riders covered the lower parts of their bodies to avoid arrest.
Oosterman and three supporters -- two men and a woman -- stood outside the courthouse naked on Thursday holding a banner reading: "Stop indecent exposure to vehicle emissions."
He then went inside and headed up the escalator, still naked, toward the courtroom.
Oosterman said he decided to dress before entering the court room because he didn't want to risk being charged with contempt of court.
A senior sergeant of police who saw the defendant travel naked up the escalator "told me he was grateful I got dressed at the top," Oosterman said. (/)
And they didn't nick the three other naked people, standing outside a COURT? The law truly is an arse.
Naked frolic lands prosecutor in jail
(Reuters)
A drunken Florida prosecutor who streaked across a motel parking lot and mistakenly jumped into a stranger's car landed in the slammer, a state attorney's office spokesman has said.
After tossing back a few drinks with colleagues last weekend, Monroe County assistant prosecutor Albert "A.J." Tasker, 28, stripped off his clothes as a prank and headed toward what he thought was a friend's vehicle.
But Tasker jumped into the back seat of the wrong car, where a woman was waiting for her boyfriend. The woman screamed, the boyfriend arrived and Key West police arrested Tasker.
"The devil made him do it," said Matt Helmerick, spokesman for the Monroe County state attorney in Key West.
Tasker, who was hired in December, was jailed on misdemeanour charges of disorderly intoxication and exposure of sexual organs. He was released on bond and is on an unpaid leave of absence from his job pending an internal investigation.
"It's embarrassing to us, it's embarrassing to him," Helmerick said on Wednesday. "If this guy had been a doctor or a janitor or a short-order cook, there would be no news." (/)
Obviously we're all allowed to call tequila''The Devil' now.
Rooster Recording Terrorizes Neighbors
(AP)
A couple in northern Germany terrorized their neighbors by playing sounds of a rooster crowing in the middle of the night, police said Tuesday.
Sleep-deprived, the neighboring couple reported to police in the town of Wacken three times over the past week, saying the pair in the other half of their semidetached house seemed to have left a rooster in their home while on vacation.
The animal crowed "at an enormous volume" for 20 minutes between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., the couple told police.
Police entered the home Monday and discovered a recording set on a timer to play daily, with the speaker placed directly against the neighbors' wall. The 55-year-old man and his 50-year-old wife, still on vacation, were cited for causing bodily harm and disturbing the peace, police said. (/)
Really, the Germans are mad. I wish I'd thought of it first.
Masked man shells out for licence plate
(Reuters/South China Morning Post)
A mysterious man in a mask has driven off with the most expensive vehicle licence plate sold in Hong Kong since 1997, shelling out HK$7.1 million (481,000 pounds) at a weekend auction, a Hong Kong newspaper reports.
The man, who wore a surgical mask and would not identify himself, left the auction immediately after winning the bid for licence plate number 12, which sounds like "certainly easy" in Cantonese, the South China Morning Post said on Monday.
The price was the highest for a licence plate in Hong Kong since the British colony was returned to China in 1997 and the third highest on record, the paper said.
The most expensive licence plate, number 9, was sold to tycoon Albert Yeung for HK$13 million in 1994. The number nine sounds like "ever lasting" in Cantonese. (/)
Would you have a licence plate that said you were "Certainly easy"?
Man's penis flushed down the loo
(Ananova PA/Sun)
A man had to have his penis sewn back on after his girlfriend cut it off and flushed it down the loo.
Kim Tran, from Anchorage, Alaska reportedly persuaded him to let her tie his arms to a windowsill for kinky sex after a row about breaking up.
She then grabbed a kitchen knife and cut off his manhood reports The Sun.
Water board workers had to dismantle the loo to find his penis, which surgeons reattached.
The 35-year-old woman is in custody. Her boyfriend, 44, was not identified. (/)
No. I'll bet he wasn't.
Has anyone seen our submarine?
(The Guardian)
Lost: much loved robot submarine, last seen under 200 metres of Antarctic ice last Wednesday, answers to the name Autosub - reward.
The £1.5m British unmanned research sub was investigating the waters below the Fimbul ice shelf when it became trapped. Scientists don't know what went wrong, but say the submarine is stuck and unlikely to be recovered.
Gwyn Griffiths, an ocean engineer at the Southampton Oceanography Centre who helped to design Autosub, said: "It isn't going to come back. We've lived with this vehicle for eight years and it's done 382 missions. But every time we put it out there's a chance it isn't going to return. It was sort of inevitable."
The seven-metre Autosub, also known as an autonomous underwater vehicle, was due to return to the British Antarctic Survey's research ship James Clark Ross on Wednes day. Instead it began to broadcast a distress signal from a position about 10 miles from the edge of the 200 metre-thick ice sheet.
The vehicle was not insured - scientists knew if it got into trouble under the ice it would be impossible to rescue. (/)
I've got to say, I almost welled up when I read that. Can't you imagine it to, down there, lost under the ice? It's f*cking sad, man! It's not weird, I grant you. But it deserved an obit.
Norway in the News
Determined thieves steal family's in-ground swimming pool
(AP)
A Norwegian family's swimming pool wasn't just bolted down. It was in the ground. But that didn't stop a band of determined thieves.
When the Nicolaysen family visited their mountain cabin over the weekend, they discovered a big hole in the yard in place of the swimming pool that had been installed 20 years ago.
"This can't be, we thought," Arild Nicolaysen told state radio network NRK on Monday. "We didn't think it was possible. No one can steal a swimming pool."
Evidently, someone did. (/)
Angry moose attack dogsled, run wild in clothing store
Aftenposten.no
Two moose charged a dogsled led by 12 huskies over the weekend. The attack came just a day after another moose broke into a children's clothing store in Lillehammer.
The two incidents were the latest in a string of unusual moose behaviour in Norway. The country has a large moose population, but the huge animals are generally shy and stay away from people and populated areas.
All the more reason why Reidar Stenmark was stunned when two "well-grown moose calves" stormed out of a forest in Nordland on Sunday and attacked a dogsled he was guiding.
"I yelled and screamed at the moose to scare them away, but they didn't pay any attention to me," Stenmark told local newspaper Avisa Nordland.
Stenmark was out exercising his dogs when the two moose suddenly crossed their path and started running directly for the dogs. One of his dogs was hurled over on his side, while another was kicked.
"I knew we had to get away," Stenmark said. He said he managed to get his lead dogs, named Sjakk and Anette, to react, but they didn't manage to get all the other shocked dogs to pull together and run.
The dogs finally did start barking and squealing and moving to get flee the angry moose. Both Stenmark and his dogs escaped in remarkably good shape, with only some bruises.
There was no indication of what prompted the moose to attack, just as wildlife officials further south in Lillehammer were baffled as to why a fully grown moose ran through a plate glass window at a downtown shop on Saturday.
That incident began about 11am, when the store was open for business. Shocked customers and staff suddenly heard glass shatter and had a confused moose in their midst.
"I got really scared," clerk Randi Espås told TV2. She and her customers ran out of the store and called for help.
Police, firefighters and wildlife officials quickly cordoned off the area and tried to lure the moose, which was bleeding from cuts caused by broken glass, outside, to no avail. They finally managed to shoot him with a tranquilizer gun and haul him out of the store.
Some officials speculate that the moose was hungry and had wandered into the former Olympic town in search of food. Confused or in a panic, the moose was then drawn by the reflection of the glass window and lights within the store. (/)
Smuggler's car so full it broke down
Aftenposten.no
A man from Poland had packed his car so full of beer, liquor and cigarettes that it broke down, uncomfortably close to a border crossing where customs officials were standing by.
It occurred Tuesday evening at the Swedish border in the Aurskog-Høland area of Akershus County. The man came driving along in an old Volvo 740 with Swedish license plates.
Newspaper Smaalenenes Avis reported that the car was loaded with 400 liters of beer, 22 liters of spirits and 10,800 cigarettes, all bound for the Norwegian market where such items are highly taxed.
The load proved to be too much for the car, which a customs official said wouldn't survive its transport to the customs station. The Polish man was arrested, put into custody at a jail in Fredrikstad and can expect a large fine.
Last Friday, another man was caught near Bjørkebekk, carrying 83 liters of liquor, 396 liters of beer and 18 kilos of tobacco. (/)
Now, I just want to clarify something, spell it out so we know what we've just read. That's: 422 KILOS of booze. That's nearly half a tonne of booze. Just so we're straight on that one.
This next story's picture might be a little weird for you. See if you think it's real. I'm still in two...
Egyptian Doctors Remove Baby's Second Head
(Reuters)(pic Reuters/ET)
Egyptian doctors said they removed a second head from a 10-month-old girl suffering from one of the rarest birth defects in an operation [last] Saturday.
Abla el-Alfy, a consultant in pediatric intensive care, told Reuters at the hospital in Benha, near Cairo, that Manar Maged was in a serious but improving condition after the procedure to treat her for craniopagus parasiticus -- a problem related to that of conjoined twins linked at the skull.
"We are still working on the baby. After surgery ... you get unstable blood pressure, you get fever. But she is stabilizing," Alfy said. "We have some improvement."
As in the case of a girl who died after similar surgery in the Dominican Republic a year ago, the second twin had developed no body. The head that was removed from Manar had been capable of smiling and blinking but not independent life, doctors said.
Video footage provided by the hospital, a national center in Egypt for children's medicine, showed Manar smiling and at ease in a cot with the dark-haired "parasitic" twin, attached at the upper left side of the girl's skull, occasionally blinking.(/)
I was in two minds whether to put that in, to be honest.
Weak arm of the law
(Reuters)
Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has urged police to toughen up after a television news report showed two police officers fleeing from a man brandishing what appeared to be a baseball bat.
"When the culprit came towards them, they didn't try to restrain him but ran away. I was surprised and amazed when I saw this," Koizumi told reporters.
The incident was embarrassing, Koizumi said, adding that he had ordered the nation's public security chief to step up police training to prevent recurrences.
Television footage showed the two officers approaching a car that had crashed into a building in Tokyo's Daiba waterfront district only to flee when the driver came towards them brandishing the weapon after smashing the vehicle's windows with it, media reports said.(/)
Is that, like, the anti-Rodney King video?
World's biggest rice dumpling created
(Ananova PA/Yangtsi Evening Post)
A Chinese company has made what they claim is the biggest rice dumpling in the world.
The rice dumpling, made by an estate agents in Shenyang city, Liaoning province, is 2,005 millimetres in diameter, and weighs 4000 kilograms, reports Yangtsi Evening Post.
Ten workers spent 15 days and used up 1420 kg of sticky rice and 380 kg of fruit and nuts to make the dumpling.
The company says they are going to apply to Guinness world records.(/)
Ok let's do this again, right, because I'm confused. That's a TWO-METRE dumpling, weighing FOUR TONNES. Just wanted to get that straight.
Wanted: A better getaway driver
(CNEWS)
EDMONTON (Canada) - Police were looking for a limping robber Tuesday after a suspect in an armed robbery was clipped by his own getaway vehicle.
Police said the knife-wielding suspect grabbed cash and beer from a northeast Edmonton liquor store Sunday night and was running toward a van when he was hit.
Witnesses said he slipped under the van and it ran over his leg.
The man managed to pull himself out from under the vehicle and climbed inside.
The suspect is about 40 years old and was wearing a black toque.(/)
Now, a toque is either "a woman's small hat, typically having a narrow, closely turned-up brim" or it's a chef's hat. Either way, he's a pretty odd-looking robber... Or it was Jamie Oliver. You be the judge.
Neighbours relieved after farmer puts out huge manure fire - 4 months later
(AP)
It took nearly four months but to the relief of neighbours for kilometres around, a huge pile of burning manure has finally been extinguished.
David Dickinson, owner and manager of Midwest Feeding Co., said Wednesday that several weeks of pulling the 2,000-tons of manure apart proved effective by late last week.
"We got far enough through it, that it quit," Dickinson said.
Dickinson's feedlot takes in as many as 12,000 cows at a time from farmers and ranchers and fattens them for market.
Byproducts from the massive operation resulted in a dung pile measuring 30 metres long, nine metres high and 15 metres wide.
Heat from the decomposing manure deep inside the pile is believed to have eventually ignited the manure.
The Nebraska Department of Environmental Quality told Dickinson that his smouldering dung pile violated clean-air laws and it worked with him to extinguish it. (/)
Just to run those figures again... 30 by 9 by 15. That's 90ft long, 30ft high... it's a dung pile half the size of a football pitch, three storeys high.
Brie Fly
Phone network tapped out
(The Grauniad)
So many Italians are being eavesdropped on that the country's biggest mobile telephone operator, Telecom Italia Mobile, has warned the justice ministry that it had no more capacity for tapping calls.
John Hooper, Rome
Whirl on wheels along the A2
(The Grauniad)
A man in a wheelchair was found propelling himself along the A2 in the snow and dark near Harbledow, Canterbury, Kent. Police said the 39-year-old man explained he was making the 26-mile trip to the coast. (/)
Miss Selleny Coroner
Reuters takes the headline of the week award with:
Paris Hilton exposed on Web again
And from the Beeb's Magazine Monitor (why is this buried in the Beeb's site?)
flu-like symptoms - mystery illness suffered by celebrities and the work-shy. Reader Michael, Cheltenham writes: "If the symptoms are only like flu (rather than actually being flu), what are they really suffering from?"
massive - in footballing context, to mean nothing. Reader David, Jerusalem, writes: "Everything is massive. A game can be massive, a goal can be massive, 'massive injection of cash by Roman Abramovich', 'Every single penalty I've had to take this season has been under massive pressure,' Thorne said. I think you get the idea."
PICNIC - acroynym [sic - TAR] for "problem in chair, not in computer" (see PEBKAC error, also Error 17, in last week's entries, IT support terms for user error). Also known as an id10-t error.(/)
Just wanted to ask - a BBC reader, in Jerusalem, called David... surely not...
And finally
Breast size determines personality
(Ananova PA)
An Italian sex researcher claims he can tell a woman's personality from the size and shape of her breasts.
According to German newspaper Bild sexologist Piero Lorenzoni said: "A woman's breasts denote a woman's character, just like her star sign."
He has categorised breast types according to fruits and says men can draw up their own horoscope-type chart that indicates what a woman's chest size says about her.
The fruity chart starts naturally with the traditional melon. According to Lorenzoni, a woman with large, round breasts like a melon may appear motherly, but is far from it. "She likes eating and wants to be spoiled and admired. But seldom likes sex," he said.
For men who want someone a bit more lively they should choose a woman with "lemon" breasts - pert and prominent. "These women are full of life and can laugh at themselves. They want a balanced life without surprises."
Pert, oval-shaped breasts are for Lorenzoni like pineapples. "A woman with pineapple breasts is intelligent, often has a career but is still romantic. They are also faithful. Whoever wins their heart will not lose it quickly."
Grapefruit-shaped breasts - pert and firm - are also not a good sign for good sex. "This woman may look erotic, but in reality is bashful and homely. She spoils her partner but prefers tenderness over sex."
Even women with "oranges" are not going to turn up the temperature between the sheets. "While she is self-confident and knows her goals, she has little interest in sex. She likes conversation and partnerships."
Small breasted women, with assets that resemble cherries are "funny and very exciting. They are entertaining and intelligent. Make great partners both for everyday life and on holiday and are moderately interested in sex," says the researcher.
A woman with pear-shaped breasts "Loves love in all its variations. She can be very religious, but is known to have affairs." (/)
I'm not saying another word.
Until next time...
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posted by Rupert White at 12:31 pm
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